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Please help - torn between my family and boyfriend

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
!!! So I have a big relationship issue. I'm in a 13 year age difference relationship I'm 19 years old and currently going to school.

We've had so many issues. I live in my cousins house with her husband and their daughter. My mom also lives here. N my father got here in September from our country the first time we're all living together as a family since I was 7. I've brought him to the house to meet everyone before my dad got here. We have been together for about 8 months. Everything was going great. But my mom is very strict and I had a curfew. Then I slept over one day with her permission. And that got my cousin. The owner of the house mad. She said she didn't really feel comfortable. But I thought she was saying it because of my mom.and I said no I won't do it again. She didn't really emphasize. And then she got mad. Because I slept over again because my mom said ok to me. Ti sleep the weekend. But in the morning my mom changed her mind and said no. And she told my cousin. And my cousin told me not to. I'm too young , my mom is mad , i don't make my decisions. She's never done that. I have to respect my mom. So I came back home.

She said it was ok to come home at 5 in the morning or 3 but not sleepover. So I stopped sleeping over. My boyfriend also decided to not come to the house anymore because my mom threatened him. Saying he's going to deal with consequences and such. So now my family started really not liking him. But I didn't tell them why. So then I stopped sleeping over. But we would always try to have a reunion with them. N they would say no now is not the time.

Then he met my dad. It was a bit late. We were all supposed to go out. But a lot of stuff happened so it was just me n my bf. When he met my dad. My dad didn't look at him or talk to him. At all. He tried talking. And nothing before all this drama. We planned to move in together when I would finish school in beginning of December.

My family thinks he's with me because I'm naive and too trusting I'm very gullible. N he's using me. N just because he says two or three nice things to me. N buys me stuff. That he's eating my mind with that. They don't believe he loves me. That if he really loved me he wouldn't have allowed me to disrespect the house. N he would've done everything to make things better with the family. But my family can be difficult n my mother was acting fake. N he didn't want to be around that.

Also me and him argue a lot because of the family situation. And I have anxiety issues. So I go a little craxy. N they think he's controlling me. One day I was talking to him arguing him saying my mom won't let me. Please don't. It was an argument I forgot what about n my cousin heard. N she said I needed to leave him because he's controlling me. But he's not. They also said I've changed ever since I got with him I chose Him over the family. They said I hardly have had life experience because I got into an accident. N I had to be home schools for two years. It's true I did change I became very focused on him. I wouldn't spend any time with them really. And hardly anytime with my dad. Then I got mad because I felt I had to prove a point that I want to be happy and stuff. So I decided to sleepover again. N when I came to the house. My cousin went outside to talk to my boyfriend. N it wasn't a pleasebt talk. She told him not to come near the house. She told him that I wasn't smart enough to make decisions. And that if I was moving out. They would disown me. That he using me etc... Then she came inside the house. N told me she wanted to beat my ass for being selfish. For bringing problems into her house after she told me not to sleepover again. For not being respectful for being disgusting n acting like a whore. For not respecting that my dad got here. N my dad was going to go to the police. To put him in jail. N that my mom was suffering. Because she doesn't approve. That they deserve better. She said she didn't think I was so stupid and such a fucking idiot. For ruining my life with someone that's using me that's 13 years older. I felt very bad.

They said they were going to force me to breakup with him. So I didn't see him for like 3 weeks he lives in New Jersey I live in in New York. N there were fininacial issues. That's why we didn't see each other. We didn't spend thanksgiving because I had to spend it with my dad. His first thanksgiving here. N we didn't have the money to do two trips and I was going to over and come back late in the am but my mom said no because we weren't at our house. We were at my cousin the owner of the house mother in law house. . Then me n him had our issues with my school because it turned out I had to graduate later. And I'm scared to move in.

So we saw each other for Christmas. N he proposed on that day. It was the most beautiful day ever. N we announced it on the game. Where we met. My cousin ( the owner of the house ) her husband plays the game too and he saw it on there and told her. I didn't think it was going to bring these big problems. So when I got home in the night. My bad was very tired to drive back n was falling asleep behind the wheel so I had to keep him up on the phone. She called me asking me where I was n I told her home. N she came to my room n screamed at me for being a stupid idiot. N to not do the engagement the proper way with the family. But my boyfriend didn't do it like that. Because they were not going to approve. She said it was stupid of me. Why I couldn't wait for things to calm down. I said we were getting married in like two years. Then we got into n argument because I told her he's falling asleep behind the wheel n I have to keep him up. And she took the phone away n I couldn't call him back. N she Said I was a fucking idiot and very naive n selfish. She said we don't approve of him we don't agree. You have to move out. We will disown you. You will never be allowed here. Engaged. You have to move out. I can't watch you ruin your life. So then my bf got mad at me because I didn't fight for the phone enough because he almost killed someone. And then we cut off the engagement.

Then 2 days later my family had a reunion with me calling me a liar because two times I said I would leave I'll think about it n that I wasn't going to sleepover. N because I needed to cut off contact with him because he's using me n that they would disown me n never talk to me. That they wouldn't let me out the house. That I had to block him. That I was a slut n stupid. That they would get me at his house. N call the police. Put him in jail. Have a big fight. They called my mom stupid for allowing this they called me selfish because I was only thinking about my happiness n not everyone else. Because I was being disrespectful. So I blocked him n wrote him n email. Because I was so weak n I was scared of the violence. But then I couldn't stop talking to him. So we ended up talking. N he says that we always had the plan to move out. That I need to get out of here that if they loved me they wouldn't hurt me like this. N threatened to hurt me n break my phone. I would pay my phone n my bills. That we can't be happy. If I live here. That I have to move ASAP. But I'm scared because I didn't want to leave with all these problems.

I'm emotionally broken. I way to move out n be with him. But I have to be done with school. Unfortunately if I move out I won't be working as an esthetician. For awhile because I have to get my New Jersey license. And that's a process. And I'm not even done with the whole New York license process. But I'll sacrifice that. Also moving out helps us financially. Because he has a lot of debt and for him to come visit me is a lot of money he has to spend. N we will both get out of debt faster. N we won't have to deal with my family. But I'm scared because I never moved out. And I know my mom will be very sad. N my dad will go back to our country. N my family will disown me. N I wanted to at least fix things. But things have gotten so ugly. Idk when it will be fixed. I'm torn. Because it's like I have to choose between my family n him. N they say I'm stupid for choosing someone who I've only known for like a year over them. That I should never choose a man between my family. N that I will ruin my life with someone so much older than me.

But I'm ready to settle. I don't want to go out n party. I've had too many bad dating experiences. I'm comfortable being in a serious relationship. My mom n dad don't drive. N they live here so it would be hard to see each other. Idk what to do. I need help please. I'm torn. Because if I leave my mom would be depressed. My dad would leave unless she goes with him. My family here will hate me. I just don't know what to do.i love him with all my heart. But he's giving me two weeks until I finish school. Because he's been through so much with my family. And he's been waiting for awhile. I told him before it was easy. Things were great we had enough time to get things more ready. My family liked you. Now things are horrible. I love him n I know if I move in I will sacrifice these things. He said I don't love him like I do. Because his ex sacrificed so much money her parents had in her trust fund. And they said they wouldn't talk to her again. She was married before him. But she lived with her husband in one of her moms house. N she was there everyday. And she sacrificed. A lot of money. And that I don't love him. Because she had way more to sacrifice and she moved in with him. N I don't have as much to sacrifice. So my love is not as strong.

My thing is I love my mom very much and I don't want my dad to leave. I guess I'm to worried about what my family is going to think now I'm in the middle I want to move in. But idk if now is the right time. Like in two weeks. Idk because I doubt they will accept him. I'm all over the place. Advise please thank you so much I do want to move in I love him. But I've made mistakes and I was selfish. If I don't move in I won't be able to see him. His ex she moved in because she wanted to as well. He was just comparing how she sacrificed more. Her parents and the money they had for her. N house and stuff. She's about his age. N they broke up last year. I love him. But I guess it's just my family threatening me too. Also. We had this plans for awhile. The reason he is sad. It's because I've never really sacrificed. And he has sacrificed so much. With his job and debt. Friends do much. And I haven't really done the same. He thinks I don't care for the relationship for choosing my family feelings first. I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. And he's not a bad guy. He's a great boyfriend. But it's hard. I know I haven't made the best decisions. And this is the time to sacrifice. Because if I don't move in. We won't be able to see each other really. And traveling to see me is expensive n he needs to pay of his debt. He's been here for me. Helping me out with school and motivation. I love him. But this decision is hard. He says its me not having faith in God. That I'm not decided about moving in. He says things will work out with my family. They'll get over it. But idk 😔

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    AuroraAurora Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    Hello there Flower,

    A massive warm welcome to TheSite.org message boards :wave: - Just a heads up though, were a UK based support website, for young adults aged 16-25 - However, we welcome people from all over. Personally would love to go to New York again, its an absolutely beautiful city. I'm not sure how the school system works over there however, but 19 is University age, right? It sounds like there is an awful lot of tension between your parents and your boy friend, and I can only imagine how difficult that must be. However, you are a young adult now, and it sound as though your parents really should support you in making those decisions rather than using them against you.

    It sounds as though you've thought about moving out in great deal, again, your decision, do you feel ready to move out? Are you on stable grounds? Can you afford it? - I''m saddened to hear that you're parents have however thretened to disown you, do you know why they are dead set against your relationship? Is it the age differeance, how you met, or something else?

    I'm sorry to hear the engagement was cut off, it sounds like you've being pulled at all angles. Can you contact your boy friend any other ways, mobile, Facebook, etc?

    Okay, I don't really have a hella amount of say at all, but I wanted to reach out to you, but this has to be something that you decide, rather than bouncing back and forth with your thoughts as that isn't really going to get you anywhere.

    Do you love him enough to leave your parents?
    Do you have a place to stay if you guys do move in together?
    Will you be committeed to the relationship?

    I know you've mentioned that he thinks travelling to see you is expensive, have you thouht about the aspect of money? How it will affect you? - Are you currently working or have a secure stabe bank balance? Bearing in mind, you will also need to consider food costs, etc?

    But don't rush into he decisons, how about writing a list of pros and cons for both relationships? The positives and negatives with parents, and the positives negatives with boy friend? - Then compare them. Have you had a chance to talk about the situation to anyone else like a close frind, a teacher, etc? Might help getting another persons perspective on the whole situation.

    How many times have you guys actually met each other?

    And do keep reaching out to us on here, were here for you!

    Best wishes,
    WhispersOfTheHeart
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you. We've been together 7 months. I wrote it in the page why they don't like him. I want to move in with him but I'm scared. My family will turn on each other n mess up the family. And I know it will be a long time before they talk to me. He says I need to choose my happiness. He hates my family my aunt cousin n dad who have been very strict with this. Remember I live in my cousins house. He doesn't care if I talk to them again because he says I don't need them. I love him but I just feel bad about leaving my family like that
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    AuroraAurora Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    Flower14 wrote: »
    Thank you. We've been together 7 months. I wrote it in the page why they don't like him. I want to move in with him but I'm scared. My family will turn on each other n mess up the family. And I know it will be a long time before they talk to me. He says I need to choose my happiness. He hates my family my aunt cousin n dad who have been very strict with this. Remember I live in my cousins house. He doesn't care if I talk to them again because he says I don't need them. I love him but I just feel bad about leaving my family like that

    What makes them think he's using you?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    It sounds as though you've thought about moving out in great deal, again, your decision, do you feel ready to move out? Are you on stable grounds? Can you afford it? - I''m saddened to hear that you're parents have however thretened to disown you, do you know why they are dead set against your relationship? Is it the age differeance, how you met, or something else?

    I'm sorry to hear the engagement was cut off, it sounds like you've being pulled at all angles.

    Hi Flower14,

    As WhispersOfTheHeart said, it does seem like you're being pulled at all angles and it doesn't seem fair to have to choose between both of them! Must be so hard for you *hug*

    What do you think are the real reasons your family don't like your boyfriend? You mentioned him staying over and this creating problems, as well as them suggesting you've changed - however it seems like there might be something else bothering them. Do you think you could have a calm sit down chat with your family and all speak and share your feelings about this situation in a calm manner? It seems that all discussions you have together are happening after a big fight, so perhaps this never allows for a truthful heartfelt discussion.

    The most important thing to remember is how YOU feel. Not how much your boyfriend wants you to move in with him (or compares you to his ex and gives you a deadline to move, which seems unfair) or how much your family want you to leave him and stay with them. Following what your gut tells you will help you feel at ease and peace with your decision in the long run. Perhaps finding a few days away from everyone's opinions (perhaps a couple of days alone or with a close friend) can help you truly listen to your gut and decide on what is best for you.

    Also have a look at our article on moving in together when you can.

    Good luck and do let us know how you get on *hug*
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