Hello and confused advise needed!

Former Member

Hello!
Basically my life is messed up. Il try and put it in bullet points in a timeline type thing for you to make it easier-
-Ive just started a new job
-Moved out of my parents into my own place for the first time about a week ago (a week tomorrow)
-In a relationship for almost a year and a half with a guy who was completely and utterly in love with me (don't want to sound big headed!), would do anything for me, one of the nicest and gentlest guys I've met, tall, handsome, sometimes funny.. sensitive, self conscious, not particularly confident (when it came to me anyway), was very anxious about alot of things as am i, wants to be 'the little spoon' as do i. And we've had some amazing times together, he surprised me with a trip to paris and rome after only a few months of us being together, took me to the London eye VIP on my birthday etc etc. The problem was i didn't feel like we had a massive connection and that he wasn't confident enough and didn't set me straight. He is also in the airforce and is due to be posted soon and after being completely up for it i decided i wanted to stay around my home town. I was very back and forth.
-I have no idea what i want out of life and can't seem to make a decision
-The last few months i have been really really down, its been upsetting my family because I'm usually so bubbly and always smiling, but alot of the time i feel so down and spaced out and get quite irritated with my family
-Me and my boyfriend broke it off because i realised i didn't particularly want to be moving around all my life living in his shadow and not creating a life of my own, and then since realising this i started to notice how like i mentioned above, i needed someone more confident and who stood their ground.
- however because of the amazing times we've had i didn't want to throw it away so we started to see each other for a couple of dates but again i felt like i was dealing with so much and my dad actually shouted at me because i was getting other people down, so i thought i can't carry on seeing him because i need to focus on myself and get myself happy again
-Buuuuuuut he is now planning trips to go by himself and i sneakily saw him the other night and he seemed different, and i was alot more attracted to him. and keep thinking of us being back together and how much i don't want him to be with somebody else.
-I have broken his heart twice. And i will never forgive myself for that, even though i wasn't doing it intentionally and i was just trying to focus on myself. I don't want to screw things up again and i don't know if its the right time for us to get back together,
-He will be getting posted to a different RAF base soon, and then i will never see him again. and i just can't bare that thought.

And so you see lots of problems for me and i don't know what to do!!!
Please help?!
Thanks in advance xx

Former Member

Hi Sophie,

Welcome to the boards

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with all this. It sounds like you feel very conflicted about your relationship at the moment, and it’s dampening your spirits as well as affecting your relationship with your family.

There have been a few big changes – you mentioned starting a new job and moving out of your family home into your own place, as well as breaking it off with your boyfriend – so it’s understandable that you feel confused and unsure of what you want at the moment. It’s also fair that you feel you want to focus on yourself right now; albeit impacting on your relationships. Have you felt able to confide in your family about how you are feeling?

I wonder if you’ve had a serious conversation with your boyfriend about your relationship and how you and he are feeling about everything at the moment. When you say he seemed different, can you explain how? Could it be that you felt more drawn to him due to the nature of the meeting being sneaky and feeling a sense of excitement about it, or maybe because you know someone you were so close and intimate with is moving away soon and you may never see him again? You might consider thinking about whether or not you see a future with him, if you could accept him not being so confident, and manage the kind of lifestyle you might have with him.

Whatever it might be, a step forward would be to talk to each other about it and figure out what’s best for you both. It might be worth approaching this when you are both relaxed and have time :yes:

We have an article here on the site on making decisions about breaking up which may be of some use for you to have a read if you’d like to, as well as another on long-distance relationships should you choose to consider that as an option

Former Member

Sort your life out without your Ex. Let him move on. It is very unfair to him to be jerked around like that.

Former Member

Hiya sophiee234,

It seems like you have a lot of things going on in your life at the moment with various different emotions going on, which may cause you to feel a bit overwhelmed.

Firstly, it must be a bit scary moving into your first new home but on the other hand think about how exciting this can be, you can decorate it yourself; have more
personal time and maybe even start fresh for 2016.

Unfortunately we cannot (or at least I think) we don’t chose who we fall in love with. Personally I am a Royal Navy fiancé, so although the RAF and RN are slightly different, it may be looked at in a similar way. From my experience I have learnt that the time me and my partner do have together is a lot more special than most of my friend’s relationships, as we know we only have limited time. Also we do more exciting things and generally we’re quite a strong couple because we have to be apart. However it can be hard, you have to realise that his career will always come first (sucks to be dating military!) but it can also offer lots of exciting opportunities, for example you can meet people you would never meet before and you can become part of the “family”. Just because you have a relationship with a military man it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to move to the posting as there are lots of couples who don’t and see each other on the weekend. On the other hand, you have more personal time to create your own life without the silly worries of what to cook for dinner for both of us and having to cope with the “typical male behaviour”.

However if you don’t actually feel the connection, there is little point on trying to force something to work just because he can offer you a good life. At the end of the day, would you rather be with someone who can offer you a good life but you feel minimum connection towards or would you rather wait and meet the man of your dreams?

It can be hard on those around you, especially those who love you to deal with your emotions, as generally they would probably want to see you happy. However, there will be always be times in life where people have issues going on.
I think it’s important in your case to sit down alone and just think about what you really want, without thinking about other people (I know that sounds a bit selfish, but once you can make your own decisions, it may be easier). Either mentally or physically write a list with everything that your feeling and your ideal response to your problems.

Hope you feel better soon