Am I being abusive or being manipulated?

Former Member

Right, in short, my BF had a crush on a work colleague at uni. They used to do assignments with each other and help eachothr with answers etc. I told my BF when he told me he had a crush on her that this overstepped my boundaries, I don't want him to seek the company of someone he has a crush on. I did not put this in a threatening way, I said that it went past the boundaries which everybody is entitled to and I didn't want to be with him anymore. Consequently, he said that he would not see her or speak to her until his emotional feelings and strong attraction to her had gone away, although he probably wouldn't speak to her anyway. We both agreed that was good and what we both wanted.

Today, he said that he is struggling with work so much he wants to see her to do work. He said this is entirely professional and that his feelings have gone. He said it is an unlikely last resort. I think this is unhealthy to our relationship and is unhealthy for him to rely on her, he doesn;t go to many of his lectures because he has mental health problems, even then, I'm not sure how much is his illness and how much effort he is actually putting in. Either way, for me this is crossing a boundary, it's only been a few weeks and I don't like the idea of my partner seeing somebody they had a crush on and used to dream about every night.

I emphasise that I know he is free to do what he likes, I don't want to guilt trip him or anything. I want him to be happy. Yet, if he sees her this is crossing a boundary for me which I think means I need to be out of the relationship. Again, I want him to be happy, but it's harmful for me and I have my own exams and stuff to worry about. I told him this and he said it was emotionally abusive of me, that I was threatening him, trying to coerce him. Then again, I don't know if he is saying this to manipulate me into being ok with him seeing her.

What I'm asking is whether this is abusive, for me to leave a relationship because it oversteps my boundaries and what I feel safe and comfortable with, and how do I explain this to him but without it sounding like I'm trying to manipulate him? I'm trying to make us both safe and happy with our decisions, but I don't know whether to trust myself or him.

Former Member

I'm with you on that one. Tell him he can go see her however much he wants but you are not staying behind like a tool and watch him do that.

You stated your boundaries and he agreed to that. It's not like you bit his head off. Also what kind of mental issues don't allow you to go to lectures? He wants to monkey bar handle himself from you to her, but needs you as the safe backup.

Breaking up with someone is never emotionally abusive. Much less if he is injuring a boundary, a recently discussed and enforced boundary. He is trying to gaslight you (watch him claim next that you pushed him away). No need for an ultimatum. You don't need to force your bf to not spend time with people he has crushes on, he should do that by himself already out of respect to your relationship.

Former Member

I can't say I'd be happy either. I've got no issue with my partner seeing female friends in general. But when he fancies her, it, imo, gets a bit difficult for me.

If you're not happy in a relationship, (regardless of why) I don't think it's unreasonable for you to leave. He's overstepped a mark you're not happy with.

Former Member

Thanks for your help. He said that his feelings subsided, but I really don't believe this.

Now, whenever I mention this he starts sobbing very loudly, like howling and it's very distressing to me because of past experiences. I feel like whenever I disagree with him he just accuses me of being emotionally abusive and I feel like he is threatening me. I can't escape the growing feeling that he is trying to manipulate me and uses the 'abuse' thing to frighten me.

Btw, he's been loudly sobbing for over half an hour. I told him it would be better if he went for a walk or had some water so we could live together peacefully, that it was better for both of us. He said I had no self-awareness and was an inconsiderate bitch. I'm scared the neighbours will hear him wailing and be convinced I'm some terrible person.

I'm trying my best to be a good person and treat him fairly I swear.

Former Member

I'm really scared, he is phoning his friend saying I am abusive and I think someone is going to take me away. I haven't done anything wrong I don't know what to do and I have so much work to do.

Former Member

Hi Starry night,

This sounds like a really stressful situation for you and from what you have explained to us he's not currently able to talk to you as an adult about this. Do you have a friend or someone that you can also speak to for support? Being around the sobbing and wailing is a lot for you to take on, especially if that brings up personal difficulties for you.

As others have said, it's okay to not be okay with him spending time with someone he has/had a crush on. If you don't trust his reassurances then that might also be a sign to listen to. Without trust it's very difficult to feel safe and he doesn't seem to be respecting your boundaries.

When you say 'take me away'? Can you say a bit more about what you mean? This friend he is calling won't necessarily take him at his word and you should also have a chance to explain things from your point of view.

Is there an option for you to stay with someone or get out of the house for a while to work somewhere in peace - perhaps letting him know you'd like to talk things through calmly when he's ready. You seem to be doing a really good job of remaining calm yourself.

Let us know how you're getting on *hug*

Former Member

Starry night wrote: »

I'm really scared, he is phoning his friend saying I am abusive and I think someone is going to take me away. I haven't done anything wrong I don't know what to do and I have so much work to do.

Just get away with him asap. You are starting to doubt yourself. What he is doing is frequently called "gaslighting" from a movie with the same name where the culprit convinces the victim that she is crazy and imagining everything. You are being emotionally abused right now and you should get the hell away from this guy. You don't owe him any explanation or apology he will just twist it around. Just leave. Say it's not working for you anymore.

Former Member

I think you should decide what you find tolerable. Your objections seem reasonable and justified to me. Maybe he is just testing boundaries (as all kids do!) or maybe he has already moved on emotionally. Either he accepts and respects your objections or he forces the issue.

Former Member

Hi Starry Night,

Don't have much advice to give - but simply not being happy in the relationship would be enough to justify ending it, in my opinion!

How have things been since you last posted?

Former Member

He agreed to not speak to her again, the thing is, I have realised that I neither love nor respect him and haven't for a very long time, I felt guilty and scared. I am sorry for staying in that relationship now, and won't make the same mistake.

The good news is that I split up with him and I am very happy and relaxed about it. I can feel that I'm a stronger person for the experience, I'm far more calm and resilient I think. Sometimes I get niggly thoughts but think about all the crap and bad feeling in my life caused by him and it goes away. I deserve better, whether that's my own peace of mind or someone who is lovely.

Thank you so much guys