Hard times........does it get any better?

Former Member

My husband is an alcoholic and suffers from depression. Over the last few months this has escalated. The last few days have been a nightmare and hes barely been sober and has become abusive. The police have taken him to hospital today and im waiting to find out what next. Im feeling broken...........

Former Member

Hi kaymac

Welcome to TheSite. I'm sorry to hear that things have been so difficult with your husband's abusive behaviour and alcoholism. It sounds like you're in need of some support at this time. Are you in contact with any friends or family members who are able to offer some help?

If you need to speak to someone about what's been happening right now, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

Do let us know how things are going,

SarahR

Former Member

Hello there @kaymac

Warm welcomes to TheSite.org message boards, it sounds like what you're going through at the moment is really difficult, and I can only begin to imagine the battle you are going through. I wish I could be the one to tell you that it will get better, etc. But even I don't know that, but you can make the changes to protect yourself. Your husband sounds like he needs immediate support, if not anything else, and it sounds as though you could do with time to yourself. Sarah was asking about friends and family, is there someone you can go away and stay with a few days?

You shouldn't need to put up with any form of abuse, because what you're going through is not okay. I echo Sarah's comment again, if you did just need someone to offload to and talk about what's happening right now, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is a call away, and were always here to support you through this. What action is being taken for your husband now? Have you been told anything?

Keep reaching out to us, and do let us know how things get on,
Best wishes,
WhispersOfTheHeart

Former Member

Like a broken down car does not get better by itself, neither does a human if he does not change his behavior and avoids the things that brought him to this point in the first place and work hard to get away from where they are now. First, your husband needs to internalize that he is a detriment to himself, you and his family and marriage. If he does not do that and does not want to get better, which might very well be, enough people drink themselves to death, it will not get better.

If your husband is drinking because of issues (debt? health? loss?) he will have to learn to deal with them in a productive and healthy manner, but the first thing to do is to get your husband sober if you want to work him him on that. If he does not I can only suggest divorce. You don't have to bear witness to his self-destruction.

Former Member

Just an update...... he was assessed under the mental health act and released. On return home he bought yet more alcohol and has now left for another hotel. Guess I just have to accept he wants to drink himself to death, but im struggling so much. Its so difficult to watch someone you love freefall.

Former Member

I am sorry to hear that kaymac. Even though a dangerous tool, I would say it is time for a last ultimatum. Important with ultimatums is, however, that you absolutely must follow through. Tell him he is putting his family through misery and for the sake of your and your children's well-being you will divorce him if you ever as much as assume he had a drink. If he is receptive, draw up a plan with strict rules which result in divorce if breached. No second chances. Him going to rehab is a must. I doubt it's going to work, but at least you then have the closure that he chose the booze over his family.

It will be a tough road for you, but your husband is an anchor that drags you with him to the depths and if you ever want to experience happiness again it is inevitable that you cut yourself loose.

Former Member

Ultimatum has been issued, I like you dont hold out must hope. Ive drawn my line in the sand and the rest is up to him. I cannot go through the last few days again I feel wrung out. New Year new page............time will tell.

Former Member

Hi kaymac,

Sorry to hear what you have been going through - it sounds like a very difficult, scary and exhausting situation

It's very strong and brave of you to have given him an ultimatum - standing up for yourself and your safety is extremely important and necessary. Have you been able to open up about this to friends or family at all?

How have things been since your last post? Has your husband suffered from this addiction for a long time and if so, has he ever had any professional help?

Do have a look at our articles below that could help;
Addictions and Getting help
What drink does
Rehab

Do let us now how you're doing *hug*

Former Member

A similar situation 5 years ago with the circle of depression and drinking, over the last few years there has been a few binge drinking episodes but the last few months since the depression reoccurred have been the living hell. I thinks its difficult to know whether he drinks because of the depression or hes depressed because he drinks and I suspect they feed each other. He attended unity but unfortunately ddnt find it very successful. I think deep down he doesnt believe he is an alcoholic and thinks he can resume social drinking at some point in the future.

As for me the calm in the house has made me fall apart, I feel like I have suffered a trauma (sorry to seem melodramatic) and am just coming to terms with recent events. I am sure it will get better but ive frightened myself with how sad I actually feel.

Sadly to share this with my limited family would make the problems worse as they would feel the need to rescue me. I have shared a small amount of information with some friends but they already think im an idiot to stay. Perhaps I am and I wonder if the situations were reversed how long I would have been tolerated.

Former Member

Hey kaymac,

It's good to hear from you and it's totally understandable that the calm in the house is going to feel strange for you. What you say about trauma doesn't sound melodramatic to me at all - it can be easy to try and stay strong but don't underestimate what you have been through and the impact that is going to have on you.

You're not an idiot. Holding on to hope and trying your best to support someone shows strength and commitment and it can take time to realise our own limits and start to put boundaries in place to protect ourselves.

I wonder what you can do in the coming days to look after yourself - even small things like listening to calming music, having a bubble bath or eating some really tasty meals - whatever is going to nourish you. Any ideas?

It sounds like you could do with someone to talk to about all this as well and I can understand that reluctance to share with friends who might be keen to rescue you. Perhaps you could pre-empt this? Let them know exactly what you need - perhaps it's just plenty of hugs and a listening ear without anyone trying to 'fix' it all for you?

You can also speak to a helpline such as Supportline if you need some confidential emotional support, you can read more about them here and find out their opening times: http://www.supportline.org.uk/

There is also Samaritans 24/7 for a listening ear. You can email them too, this can sometimes be a good way of getting things off your chest: http://www.samaritans.org/

Adfam offer support to families of alcoholics and you may find a local support group for example that could be an option, you can find out more here:http://www.adfam.org.uk/families They also have info on helplines specifically for people in your situation: http://www.adfam.org.uk/families/find_a_local_support_group/call_a_helpline

We're here to listen whenever you need us too *hug*