Too much anxiety with breaking up

Former Member

Hi, so in my last thread in this topic, I mentioned that I got my first boyfriend about a week ago. However I've now learned that relationships are not for me and want to break up with him. I feel really guilty about breaking up with him as he always says that he is so happy that I said yes and keeps going on about it.

But its causing me too much anxiety. I planned to break up with him last week but I got myself so worked up, I had a panic attack and triggered myself to s/h. Now I'm in a situation where he wants to meet up etc. and I feel so guilty. Its not right for me to be in a relationship but its not fair on him either. He just constantly makes comments when I plan to break up with him and I feel so guilty, like I'm breaking his heart. We were friends beforehand and he asked me out a while ago in the past, I said no as I wasn't ready. Apparently he was saying to my best friend (who is his colleage) that he's going to try and get me to go out with him (this was months ago). And now he makes comments like oh guess why I'm so happy, I say why and he replies because you said yes.

Please I need advice, I don't like the clingness of relationships, I feel guilty breaking up, I feel bad that I'm dragging it out, last time I tried to I got triggered

Former Member

Would it help you to write it all down and hand him a letter?

Former Member

Melian wrote: »

Would it help you to write it all down and hand him a letter?

I've actually been trying to break up with him over Facebook messenger as I haven't seen him in person since he asked me out, only been chatting online. Even still I've been quiet as having a tough few days, yet he still always asks how I am and what I'm up to.

He wants to meet up but I feel that handing him a letter would be even more difficult. I wouldn't want to send it via the post and I don't know his address anyways.

I struggle to do it over messenger, think I'd find it so much harder face to face. Don't know what I'm going to do but should do it sooner rather than later I guess

Former Member

Just wanted to add its not him personally, it's more I don't want a relationship at all. I think he's a great, kind lovely guy and would be happy to be his friend, just don't want relationships at all. That makes it harder to end it.

Former Member

Hey apandav,

I can see you've been struggling with the prospect of breaking up with your boyfriend *hug*

It's a difficult thing to think about when you're struggling with anxiety and only appears to be adding to it. Openness and honesty is key here, including how you feel about him. Being transparent about this will help him to understand why a relationship isn't do-able for you right now :yes:

Melian mentioned writing things down - you've been really good at being honest and writing down things on here; I can imagine that whatever you've told us on here could be included in what you say to him. Would you consider taking some of that and writing a draft letter to him? Perhaps you could do a mix of face to face and a letter with how you feel - for example saying you have something you want to talk about but it's difficult for you face to face, and you'd like him to read the letter. This way you're not just handing it to him, and it gives you both time for it to sink in before you might discuss anything?

From what you've said he seems kind and really cares about you, and so would hope that he would be considerate and understanding. We do have some advice here too which might be of some help

Take your time *hug*

Former Member

Hey apandav, not sure what to say but wanted to see how your doing?

Former Member

*BananaMonkey* wrote: »

Hey apandav, not sure what to say but wanted to see how your doing?

Thanks for your reply
I'm okay but very conscious of the fact I still haven't broken up with him yet

Former Member

raich wrote: »

Hey apandav,

I can see you've been struggling with the prospect of breaking up with your boyfriend *hug*

It's a difficult thing to think about when you're struggling with anxiety and only appears to be adding to it. Openness and honesty is key here, including how you feel about him. Being transparent about this will help him to understand why a relationship isn't do-able for you right now :yes:

Melian mentioned writing things down - you've been really good at being honest and writing down things on here; I can imagine that whatever you've told us on here could be included in what you say to him. Would you consider taking some of that and writing a draft letter to him? Perhaps you could do a mix of face to face and a letter with how you feel - for example saying you have something you want to talk about but it's difficult for you face to face, and you'd like him to read the letter. This way you're not just handing it to him, and it gives you both time for it to sink in before you might discuss anything?

From what you've said he seems kind and really cares about you, and so would hope that he would be considerate and understanding. We do have some advice [URL="http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/how-to-break-up-with-someone-4497.html"]here[/URL] too which might be of some help

Take your time *hug*

Thank you Raich, still haven't broke up with him, but to be honest got a lot of stress from knowing I need to do it. Alternatively I could see how it goes but I just feel nows not a good time- too much other things on my plate Plus I know its not what I want

Former Member

apandav wrote: »

Thank you Raich, still haven't broke up with him, but to be honest got a lot of stress from knowing I need to do it. Alternatively I could see how it goes but I just feel nows not a good time- too much other things on my plate Plus I know its not what I want

If you feel that nows not a good time, I wouldn't wait around to see how it goes. I think doing that will just make you feel worse in the long run.*hug*

Former Member

I think just seeing how it goes will cause you to start resenting him because you're clearly not ready. It's okay to feel like that y'know, and it seems as though this guy cares about you a great deal. The quicker you're just honest with him, the better for the both of you. I understand it feels a difficult thing to do but I cannot stress how utterly relieved you'll feel. Good luck *hug*

Former Member

I am not gonna pretend that I understand how hard it is to make such a step for you as I don't suffer from anxiety, but simply from a pragmatic stand point these are the facts: The break-up must happen and the longer you wait the harder and messier it gets.

If you can't do it face to face, then give him a call and lay it out. It sounds like he is already overly invested by now, so yes, it will be difficult for him. Don't apologize for what you are about to do, tell him truthfully why you don't feel ready. Don't coddle him, don't say "You'll find someone bla bla." Keep it cordial, yet neutral. Don't let him argue about this.

Former Member

Hiccup wrote: »

If you feel that nows not a good time, I wouldn't wait around to see how it goes. I think doing that will just make you feel worse in the long run.*hug*

Thanks for your reply!

Now is definitely not a good time for me, I have to work on myself first before I can commit to anyone else (that's considering I decide to be in a relationship in the future, right now I don't want to be)

Former Member

butterfly123 wrote: »

I think just seeing how it goes will cause you to start resenting him because you're clearly not ready. It's okay to feel like that y'know, and it seems as though this guy cares about you a great deal. The quicker you're just honest with him, the better for the both of you. I understand it feels a difficult thing to do but I cannot stress how utterly relieved you'll feel. Good luck *hug*

Thank you Butterfky

I am going to do it soon, I feel like once it's done it's one less stress I have in life!

Former Member

StrubbleS wrote: »

I am not gonna pretend that I understand how hard it is to make such a step for you as I don't suffer from anxiety, but simply from a pragmatic stand point these are the facts: The break-up must happen and the longer you wait the harder and messier it gets.

If you can't do it face to face, then give him a call and lay it out. It sounds like he is already overly invested by now, so yes, it will be difficult for him. Don't apologize for what you are about to do, tell him truthfully why you don't feel ready. Don't coddle him, don't say "You'll find someone bla bla." Keep it cordial, yet neutral. Don't let him argue about this.

Thanks for your advice!

Former Member

Would it be bad to break up over Facebook messenger ? (I actually haven't saw him face to face since the day he asked me out)

Former Member

Hi Amanda - usually I would say break ups over something like messenger isn't good, it should be in person, but as you've not actually seen him anyway then perhaps it is more ok - especially as it might mean you do it sooner and can a) get the stress off yourself and b) let him start to get over it.

Do you speak on the phone? If so, that would be a better channel. But if not, I think messenger is probably ok as it might seem strange to have your first meetup as BF/GF and use it to break up with him.

When you do it, do have a read of the article Raich recommended about "How to break up with someone". Obviously, we're discussing the face to face part but other than that the points are all still valid, and you do want to make sure he comes out of this as well as possible as he obviously feels very strongly for you.

Look after yourself and let us know how it goes.

Former Member

I have to admit I'm in two minds about breaking up over messenger. I think in part, it depends how serious you are. There's a huge difference imo if you've been dating for years. I broke up with someone over text because I really didn't want to see him. We'd been dating for about 2 weeks. He then wouldn't stop pestering me to meet up. I dread to think what would have happened if I'd met up with him in person to tell him it was over.

Former Member

Thanks for your input @Cat88[/USER] and [USER="27078"]Melian , hoping to speak to him tonight!

Former Member

Hope it all goes ok

Former Member

Melian wrote: »

Hope it all goes ok

Thanks

Former Member

HES ONLINE AND NOT AT WORK .......so nervous! Telling myself I need to do this...here goes

Former Member

Well I chickened out and try to ask my friend for advice on how to do it........instead she quizzed me and said I should try it out

Former Member

I said it........I'm glad but I feel like a shit person, I can't even bare to wait for a reply

Former Member

I don't think he got the message....... He just said you know I can take it at your pace and I just said thank you, oh god I'm an idiot! Shit

Former Member

:crazyeyes You are not good at this.

Former Member

Could you try again? Maybe say it more directly?

Former Member

Hi apandav - has anything more happened? I'm keen that for both your sakes you get this sorted :yes:

Former Member

Cat88 wrote: »

Hi apandav - has anything more happened? I'm keen that for both your sakes you get this sorted :yes:

No nothing more has happened, I've just been putting it off..... I sometimes feel I should give it a go but meh....

Former Member

Hey apandav,

Sorry to hear you're still struggling with this. Being with someone when we don't feel into it 100% can be really unfair on the other person and it can also leave us feeling really uneasy and stressed. It's also hard when someone really likes us as we don't want to hurt their feelings or let them down, that's all normal.

However, your feelings matter, you are important too and so try not to be too hard on yourself. Learning to tune into your instincts is crucial in making sure that you make decisions that are right for you.

Being with people, breaking up and moving on is all part of life and something that we all have to learn at some point. Whilst I can see you really don't want to upset anyone, it's okay to do what you want and to stand strong in your decision, whatever that is.

Let us know how things are going

Former Member

Jo7 wrote: »

Hey apandav,

Sorry to hear you're still struggling with this. Being with someone when we don't feel into it 100% can be really unfair on the other person and it can also leave us feeling really uneasy and stressed. It's also hard when someone really likes us as we don't want to hurt their feelings or let them down, that's all normal.

However, your feelings matter, you are important too and so try not to be too hard on yourself. Learning to tune into your instincts is crucial in making sure that you make decisions that are right for you.

Being with people, breaking up and moving on is all part of life and something that we all have to learn at some point. Whilst I can see you really don't want to upset anyone, it's okay to do what you want and to stand strong in your decision, whatever that is.

Let us know how things are going

Thanks for your reply Jo!

To be honest I've been putting it off and still haven't broke up with him...... I haven't even seen him face to face since he asked me out. Was supposed to see him on Tuesday but need to stay in for mums delivery I feel kinda crap for dragging this out. When things stress me I normally get overwhelmed and if I can put it off.....I need to face up to this soon!

It's not him specifically, I just don't like the idea of relationships, gives me a lot of anxiety !

Former Member

Just say that to him - that it's not exactly him, it's the idea of a relationship that makes you anxious. Simply tell him that you're not ready right now. You need to put you first. If you continue to drag it out then you're only going to make it worse for the both of you. Once it's done, it's done and if you don't want to see his reply straight away then that's fine. Turn all gadgets off for a bit and go out somewhere - calm yourself down.