Anxiety & Relationships

Former Member

So I have a lot on my mind after today, and I felt there's no better place to talk than on TheSite.

Firstly I have news, as of today I have a boyfriend.

Some people will probably be confused , yes I have been changing my mind about my sexuality and yes I've been thinking I was asexual. I have a lot of anxiety around the idea of relationships (I've never been in one until today). Thing is, me and this guy have been friends for a year, he's so sweet and I wanted to say yes, like I don't even know what I am right now. I don't know how it feels to be in love or be in a relationship so I'm not entirely sure about anything.

I told him about my mental health struggles (before today) and he was so understanding and didn't make a deal of it. So he knows, my only worry is that I don't want to bring him down and I don't want to take on to much at once. He agreed though that we can take things slow, so I'm happy. For now it's just a title, but I have a lot of anxiety about relationships, and I still don't even know my sexuality.

Additionally my parents don't know him and don't know we have been meeting so how am I supposed to explain to them? (He's a colleage/ friend of my best friend).

Yeah so I'm just like confused with everything and pretty much need guidance?! Thanks.

Former Member

Stop asking yourself so many questions about your sexuality and how your mental health MIGHT affect him and your relationship. Just chill out and take it super slow. Just do fun things and ENJOY! the relationship instead of seeing it as a handicap/constriction of your life, time, freedom. Relationships should ENRICH your life, not take away from it.

I don't know since when you are together, but I don't know if there is any reason to tell your parents yet. I would not have if it's been just a week or two. That's also because my parents used to be noisy as fuck and would interrogate me. Just enjoy the nice early stages of the relationship. Do fun things together, bask in the happy feelings spending time with a loved one gives you and stop all the worrying and gloominess and deal with problems as they pop up. Once you are ready to tell your parents do simply that, "hey mum, I've been meeting up with this guy a lot, his name is X, I like him a lot. Can he come over for dinner some time?"

Don't make easy stuff complicated.

Former Member

StrubbleS wrote: »

Stop asking yourself so many questions about your sexuality and how your mental health MIGHT affect him and your relationship. Just chill out and take it super slow. Just do fun things and ENJOY! the relationship instead of seeing it as a handicap/constriction of your life, time, freedom. Relationships should ENRICH your life, not take away from it.

I don't know since when you are together, but I don't know if there is any reason to tell your parents yet. I would not have if it's been just a week or two. That's also because my parents used to be noisy as fuck and would interrogate me. Just enjoy the nice early stages of the relationship. Do fun things together, bask in the happy feelings spending time with a loved one gives you and stop all the worrying and gloominess and deal with problems as they pop up. Once you are ready to tell your parents do simply that, "hey mum, I've been meeting up with this guy a lot, his name is X, I like him a lot. Can he come over for dinner some time?"

Don't make easy stuff complicated.

I guess that's a good point. It's my first relationship ever, so I'm just very unsure of a lot. We both want to take it slow. I know it's only a title but this is a big thing for me.

Thing is that won't work in my situation, as I'm having issues with my parents letting go. They like to know where I go etc. and I'm not saying it's right, considering I'm almost 19 but I can't stand up for myself. They have a tracker on my phone too, and they say I'm too independent. I try to do things but they get annoyed with me when they found out I've hid stuff and they get more clingy . Plus I finally felt I was starting to get more independence, then they found out about my suicidal thoughts and I'm pretty much walking on eggshells. I constantly listen out for them coming upstairs if I feel I need to hide how I feel etc.

Please don't say it's easy, maybe for you and others which is great but it's not easy for me.

Former Member

Just to add it's only been a day. But as I said I live with my parents which can be challenging at times.

Former Member

Ok, well in regards to the relationship, don't think you just need to miraculously need to do something different to be a mature relationship person. Just keep doing what you've been doing as friends. If you feel like it you can lean on each other, hold hands, kiss, whatever you feel up to. Don't put pressure on you, because you feel it is expected of you to behave in a certain relationshippy manner.

About your parents. They sound rather intrusive, but I would not know how to feel if I knew about my daughter being suicidal. I guess I would be more up in her business too, because I care and feel like I HAVE to do something to help. With 19 you can - and should have - your own bank account where only you have access to it. Also if you don't want to have a tracker on your phone I'd get rid of it. I certainly would not want that. What would your parents do? Do they pay for the phone plan? Would they withdraw the phone from you? Maybe you should think about getting your own so you have control over it. What I am saying is, that I feel you have very little independence for a almost 19 year old.

Maybe you should tell them - in the manner I described - about your boyfriend anyway. Just as if you told them about a relaxing walk you had or a nice ice cream. Not making a big deal of it. Mentioning it in the passing. At 19 years they cannot forbid you to go see him. Of course if you live with them and don't have your own money they can make your life quite difficult.

I remember my sister, the eldest child of my parents had to fight for a lot of her freedoms. I only got a raise in pocket money after I told them I found mine wasn't sufficient, and friend X gets a higher amount. You can do that without fights and screams. Just tell them you want more independence. They don't need a tracker if you promise to call them at a certain time.

Also parental issues aside, are you getting help for your suicidal thoughts? Because you certainly should. Are you seeing some kind of mental health professional about this?

Former Member

StrubbleS wrote: »

Ok, well in regards to the relationship, don't think you just need to miraculously need to do something different to be a mature relationship person. Just keep doing what you've been doing as friends. If you feel like it you can lean on each other, hold hands, kiss, whatever you feel up to. Don't put pressure on you, because you feel it is expected of you to behave in a certain relationshippy manner.

About your parents. They sound rather intrusive, but I would not know how to feel if I knew about my daughter being suicidal. I guess I would be more up in her business too, because I care and feel like I HAVE to do something to help. With 19 you can - and should have - your own bank account where only you have access to it. Also if you don't want to have a tracker on your phone I'd get rid of it. I certainly would not want that. What would your parents do? Do they pay for the phone plan? Would they withdraw the phone from you? Maybe you should think about getting your own so you have control over it. What I am saying is, that I feel you have very little independence for a almost 19 year old.

Maybe you should tell them - in the manner I described - about your boyfriend anyway. Just as if you told them about a relaxing walk you had or a nice ice cream. Not making a big deal of it. Mentioning it in the passing. At 19 years they cannot forbid you to go see him. Of course if you live with them and don't have your own money they can make your life quite difficult.

I remember my sister, the eldest child of my parents had to fight for a lot of her freedoms. I only got a raise in pocket money after I told them I found mine wasn't sufficient, and friend X gets a higher amount. You can do that without fights and screams. Just tell them you want more independence. They don't need a tracker if you promise to call them at a certain time.

Also parental issues aside, are you getting help for your suicidal thoughts? Because you certainly should. Are you seeing some kind of mental health professional about this?

I have turned it off a few times and they never noticed, but I forgot to turn it on the other day and they were asking about it. I just made up an excuse. They said its for my safety and incase anything bad was to happen to me. However I never had this app on my phone in the past, yet all of a sudden they want me to use it!! Even though the don't constantly check it (I'm hoping and assuming that's the case) I feel it is intrusive. Yes I do have my own bank account, which only I have access to. My parents do pay for my contract and I know they wouldn't withdraw my phone for me, as they always like me to have it on me (so I can be contacted). I do have independence, like I can go out etc. and they wouldn't stop me, it's more they are over-protective I guess. They are very good at influencing my decisions (as I am a bit of a push-over). I struggle to be assertive, I've tried but they keep at it, until I "agree".

It's not so much that they would forbid me. They would just be constantly on my back with questions- I can't handle that- it stresses me out. Its not just with this, but other things. They hate it when I hide stuff but I just can't face "interrogation".

Yes I am getting help for my mental health. Currently getting a MH assessment with a clinical psychologist at the CMHT, which hopefully will finish soon and I can start "treatment" (don't like that word, but can think of no other). Additionally I am visiting my GP regularly for medication reviews. However I wont be seeing anyone until after the holidays now. I'm dreading the struggle!!!

Former Member

After counselling yesterday, I made the decision to break up with him. It's nothing personal, I just believe I'm more content not being in a relationship at the moment and obviously it's something less to worry about.

But I'm a bit freaked out as he sent me a text message saying "I love you" and it's only been 5 days now. We said we would take things slow.

Now I'm going to be honest I don't like this cling ness, all the soppy love heart messages etc. and I want more space. Like I don't want to talk every night, and the way I talk varies a lot depending on my mood e.g. Some nights I can talk obsessively and I'm very hyper and random and other nights I just don't want to talk to anyone (friends included) - now I could try to explain this to him but I just want to break up with him. I don't believe it's the right time for me, I don't love myself so how can I love someone else.

Additionally you may have seen my post - I realised I like to be alone, hence I just want my space.

However, my friend was all excited and chatting away about us (my bf is her colleage at work) - and then I decided for a moment to give it a shot but I think it was more out of peer pressure.

Help?!! I just can't handle this, it's too much anxiety and I don't like all this lovey dovey cling ness- I hate it!!!

Former Member

Just to clarify I haven't broken up with him, but I want to yet I'm conflicted. I feel I shouldn't judge as its my first boyfriend

Former Member

I seriously think I'm asexual. I thought it before but I just don't do romantic now I've realised.....

Former Member

Well, the belief to be asexual is not uncommon with depressed people. It puts a serious damper on the libido, more so with some classes of anti-depressive medications that make your desire for love as strong as your desire to contract the bubonic plague.

Like I said, a relationship should enrich your life, but if it does not do that it can be quite a lot to handle and therefor take away from your happiness. I think social contacts are important, but romantic relationships are more demanding. If you are in the mood to just not talk to someone for a couple days that's fine with friends, but (usually) unfair to the person you are in a relationship with.

I would just tell him the same thing you told us here, that you went into the relationship when you were in a bubbly, chatty, bouncy phase, but now you realize it would be too much on your plate. That you are in a tough spot with your mental well-being, feel no romantic feelings (you were just more excited about the prospect of having your first boyfriend) and that this would be unfair to him. Also I quite agree with you, that "I love you" after 5 days is way over the top. This relationship would be very demanding. Just tell him what's on your mind, DON'T lie to him to let him down softly. He will be persistent and if you leave a glimmer of hope for him by making an excuse, like being busy or whatever, you will not solve this issue.

Good luck.

Former Member

To be honest I've never felt connected to other people, so many occasions throughout my life my friends would comment saying they are hot and I would either say nothing or just agree to fit in!! I'm sick of trying to fit in, it just ain't going to happen!

Yeah, guess your right. I'm more preoccupied with having a first boyfriend to make myself feel normal. Just hoping I'd feel the same as other people, yeah it aint happening

Former Member

If you're feeling confused about your sexuality and have some anxieties about being in a relationship, then that's totally fine. You don't have to be with him if you're not totally comfortable with the idea, and he seems very understanding although clingy.

It sounds like you know how you feel and what you want, and you're just worried about what others will think and are trying to conform? It's such a standard way of thinking, but try and take a step back and focus on yourself. Maybe it's something to discuss with the professionals helping with your MH?

Former Member

hiyalouise wrote: »

If you're feeling confused about your sexuality and have some anxieties about being in a relationship, then that's totally fine. You don't have to be with him if you're not totally comfortable with the idea, and he seems very understanding although clingy.

It sounds like you know how you feel and what you want, and you're just worried about what others will think and are trying to conform? It's such a standard way of thinking, but try and take a step back and focus on yourself. Maybe it's something to discuss with the professionals helping with your MH?

Thanks for your reply hiyalouise,

Yeah I probably don't realise that I know what I want sometimes, due to being scared for the option that I want.

My psychologist knows that I feel like I don't fit in, but I plan to further discuss this when I go back (if i get the chance , 4th appointment and still being assessed for the right support)

Former Member

It can be such a long process getting your MH assessed, but do persevere. You'll get there. If you take control of the things you talk about, the things that are on your mind a lot, that may really help your assessment. It's good that you're already planning your discussions like that.

Being scared of the unknown, essentially, is so normal and common. We all get it, but it can affect some lives more than others. Hopefully with some help and time to really explore and understand yourself, you'll be making decisions left, right, and centre. :hyper:

Former Member

hiyalouise wrote: »

It can be such a long process getting your MH assessed, but do persevere. You'll get there. If you take control of the things you talk about, the things that are on your mind a lot, that may really help your assessment. It's good that you're already planning your discussions like that.

Being scared of the unknown, essentially, is so normal and common. We all get it, but it can affect some lives more than others. Hopefully with some help and time to really explore and understand yourself, you'll be making decisions left, right, and centre. :hyper:

Thanks, its looking like next appointment will be my last assessment then decisions will be made well my psychologists hoping for that but she needs to hear back from my GP first (long story, she seems interested to find out this stuff that happened as I was a kid, not quite sure why)

Former Member

Still haven't broke up with him..... I feel I'm letting down not only him but my friend