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Another chance?
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have no clue where to start with this... ugh. I am completely torn with which direction to go. I am a strong, independent woman and believe in giving one my full trust and respect. After dating a guy (lives an hour and half away) for a couple months we became intimate. It was more of a FWB relationship for me, I wasn't exactly looking for an everyday thing. Which with him being so far away I had only seen him like every other weekend or maybe a day or two during the week.
He is the one who said he didn't want to talk to any one else or be with anyone else. Throughout this process he always was on his phone, or always going to the bathroom which I didn't think much of at the time. I started noticing things at his place when I was there, hair ties, hairs, or even tampons. Of course I had questioned him about these things and he had said it was from his sister or sister-in-law. Okay, no reason not to believe him,right? This was when my intuition stepped in, started piecing things together... the constant going to the bathroom, not allowing me to come over every weekend, or they way he would ignore my calls/text on those weekends. Im not an insecure person, but I felt there was someone else. One night, I counted the condoms in his drawer and sure enough when I came back over, the number was off. This was months of dating, after him saying I love you.. saying I was the only one. I questioned him about it immediately, his responce.. his cat took it. He does have a Bengal cat, but she surely doesn't know how to open drawers. I felt betrayed, lied to .. and he just let me sit there and cry. I had no proof. What was I do to. One day on a weekend ( 6 months in) I wasn't aloud over, I decided to take a road trip. Sure enough there was an unknown vehicle in his drive. My heart pounding, racing I couldn't believe it. Well yes i could, but i didn't want to believe it. He had another chick in his place. A girl he had been talking to, seeing the whole time he was talking to me. I felt so used. I can't stand lies. However, I tried to be understanding of his situation. He had said he was confused that he had feelings for both of us.
After weeks of him begging and saying he was sorry that he would never hurt me again, or lie to me I decided to forgive him. Again my down fall of trying to be an understanding person. The next few months had seemed to be great. However about 9 months in, our sex life started to decline. There would be weekends that we wouldn't have sex at all. I even wore lingerie to try to get him roused, he just set me aside to continue to play his games on his phone or watch tv. I would get so upset and share this with him, constantly. His excuse was that he was depressed, stresses over his Dad passing a year and half ago and about his job. His job did have him working alone and long hours. One day when i was up there waiting for him to get home i turned on the tv to watch a show we recorded previously and noticed that there was a porn movie. Which hey, i know guys watch it. But with the current situation I was concerned. When asked about it, he said he recorded it so we could watch it together. Again, sound okay. So i told him it bothered me if he were to watch it without me and left it at that. Then again the next time I was up, there was another porn movie that was recorded but he had already watched. Again, same old excuse. I had asked him why he would watch it first then?? Didn't make sense to me. Here again, the doubt is starting to take over.... so finally one day on his computer I went to bring up the resort information i had saved earlier to inquire more and he had a site saved on there. Maybe i shouldn't have opened it, but he knew i was on his computer. Sure enough it was a porn site or should i say sites. He had made a profile, and was following so many girls on there liking all their videos. After researching this, I had found out he had been on there a lot and during our whole relationship. Again I was devastated. Pissed that he would do this to me Again!!
When he came home, i blasted him. He had no answers to why. After all I have given him. I left saying he destroyed our relationship.
Two weeks went by, I started to receive phone calls from his Family members about our relationship. Almost making me feel guilty. I caved. If you knew more about his past maybe it would help you understand why I again forgave him. I gave him another chance. a month later He decided to take me on a vacation to the Dominican to get away from everything and to try to rekindle our relationship. on this trip he tried to give me a ring, not an engagement ring but one to show me how much he wanted us and that he couldn't afford an engagement ring. It was right then that i had told him we were in no position to do such.
months had past, things seem to be better. I could see he was trying. He has given me his code for his phone and leaves it laying out. no more hiding. It seemed as if I was in an actual committed relationship, finally. one night on a weekend trip to a bike week, he surprised me on stage with giving me an engagement ring in front of thousands of people. I felt i had no option but to say yes... but i will tell you it was right when we got home that i had expressed my feelings about not being ready for such. he insisted that i still wore the ring. Ever since the engagement I struggle to battle the war in my mind. It has now put distance between him and I. Feeling as if he doesn't deserve me in such a way. The only foundation that he has given me is on lies and betrayal. I know my worth, and he is not worthy. Yet, i see him trying to do all he can to keep me in his life. It has been a year and 10 months that we have started this saga and im at the point now where i don't see him, hardly talk to him and surely am not having sex with him because of all my frustration with everything... Part of me wants to end it yet part of me knows what can be if only he grows up. i need help....
He is the one who said he didn't want to talk to any one else or be with anyone else. Throughout this process he always was on his phone, or always going to the bathroom which I didn't think much of at the time. I started noticing things at his place when I was there, hair ties, hairs, or even tampons. Of course I had questioned him about these things and he had said it was from his sister or sister-in-law. Okay, no reason not to believe him,right? This was when my intuition stepped in, started piecing things together... the constant going to the bathroom, not allowing me to come over every weekend, or they way he would ignore my calls/text on those weekends. Im not an insecure person, but I felt there was someone else. One night, I counted the condoms in his drawer and sure enough when I came back over, the number was off. This was months of dating, after him saying I love you.. saying I was the only one. I questioned him about it immediately, his responce.. his cat took it. He does have a Bengal cat, but she surely doesn't know how to open drawers. I felt betrayed, lied to .. and he just let me sit there and cry. I had no proof. What was I do to. One day on a weekend ( 6 months in) I wasn't aloud over, I decided to take a road trip. Sure enough there was an unknown vehicle in his drive. My heart pounding, racing I couldn't believe it. Well yes i could, but i didn't want to believe it. He had another chick in his place. A girl he had been talking to, seeing the whole time he was talking to me. I felt so used. I can't stand lies. However, I tried to be understanding of his situation. He had said he was confused that he had feelings for both of us.
After weeks of him begging and saying he was sorry that he would never hurt me again, or lie to me I decided to forgive him. Again my down fall of trying to be an understanding person. The next few months had seemed to be great. However about 9 months in, our sex life started to decline. There would be weekends that we wouldn't have sex at all. I even wore lingerie to try to get him roused, he just set me aside to continue to play his games on his phone or watch tv. I would get so upset and share this with him, constantly. His excuse was that he was depressed, stresses over his Dad passing a year and half ago and about his job. His job did have him working alone and long hours. One day when i was up there waiting for him to get home i turned on the tv to watch a show we recorded previously and noticed that there was a porn movie. Which hey, i know guys watch it. But with the current situation I was concerned. When asked about it, he said he recorded it so we could watch it together. Again, sound okay. So i told him it bothered me if he were to watch it without me and left it at that. Then again the next time I was up, there was another porn movie that was recorded but he had already watched. Again, same old excuse. I had asked him why he would watch it first then?? Didn't make sense to me. Here again, the doubt is starting to take over.... so finally one day on his computer I went to bring up the resort information i had saved earlier to inquire more and he had a site saved on there. Maybe i shouldn't have opened it, but he knew i was on his computer. Sure enough it was a porn site or should i say sites. He had made a profile, and was following so many girls on there liking all their videos. After researching this, I had found out he had been on there a lot and during our whole relationship. Again I was devastated. Pissed that he would do this to me Again!!
When he came home, i blasted him. He had no answers to why. After all I have given him. I left saying he destroyed our relationship.
Two weeks went by, I started to receive phone calls from his Family members about our relationship. Almost making me feel guilty. I caved. If you knew more about his past maybe it would help you understand why I again forgave him. I gave him another chance. a month later He decided to take me on a vacation to the Dominican to get away from everything and to try to rekindle our relationship. on this trip he tried to give me a ring, not an engagement ring but one to show me how much he wanted us and that he couldn't afford an engagement ring. It was right then that i had told him we were in no position to do such.
months had past, things seem to be better. I could see he was trying. He has given me his code for his phone and leaves it laying out. no more hiding. It seemed as if I was in an actual committed relationship, finally. one night on a weekend trip to a bike week, he surprised me on stage with giving me an engagement ring in front of thousands of people. I felt i had no option but to say yes... but i will tell you it was right when we got home that i had expressed my feelings about not being ready for such. he insisted that i still wore the ring. Ever since the engagement I struggle to battle the war in my mind. It has now put distance between him and I. Feeling as if he doesn't deserve me in such a way. The only foundation that he has given me is on lies and betrayal. I know my worth, and he is not worthy. Yet, i see him trying to do all he can to keep me in his life. It has been a year and 10 months that we have started this saga and im at the point now where i don't see him, hardly talk to him and surely am not having sex with him because of all my frustration with everything... Part of me wants to end it yet part of me knows what can be if only he grows up. i need help....
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Comments
It sounds like you're feeling very conflicted about your relationship at the moment and, despite getting engaged, you're not sure how much of a future you have with your partner. It's very difficult to feel comfortable and secure in a relationship when you can't trust that your partner is committed to you and, from the things you've seen on his computer and his phone in the past, you're not 100% sure that he is. It's worth remembering that trust is a two-way street and that going through his personal messages and web history is likely to only make him feel cornered and resentful. Open and honest communication with each other is a good start in helping to rebuild trust which has been damaged in the past.
It might be worth asking yourself overall if you're happy in the relationship before you think about walking down the aisle. You mentioned that you "know what he could be if only he grows up" - sadly, we can't change other people into who we want them to be no matter how hard we try! Telling your partner what you need from him is half the solution - the other half is him agreeing to those changes and there's a chance it might not make him happy.
As TheSite is for 16 - 25 year olds in the UK and it sounds like you are based in the US, I'll post a link to Reach Out which is a website for young people in the USA. This might help you get some more support as well as signposting to help available locally to you.
I hope this is helpful
SarahR