Getting Back Out There

Former Member

I got out of a 6 year relationship last June and I have tried online dating since then. I went out with a couple of guys, but they wound up being complete douchebags and brought me back to a place, emotionally and mentally, I haven't been at since high school. I have recently met a guy online that seems really nice and like the kind of guy I wouldn't mind being in a long-term relationship with. We have gone out a couple of times and I really like him and I think he likes me, or I did at least. He told me he did, but has since recently slowed on talking to me. He has told me has finals right now and he has been studying a lot and has been completely stressed. I understand that, especially since I am working on school as well. That being said, I am starting to feel like maybe I'm more into him than he is to me. This is a place I have found myself at for a while with guys in general and it is the same place I was at in high school. Am I over thinking things because of my past or should I just move on from this guy and not waste my time?? I feel like I'm not good enough for guys to actually want to be in a relationship with me which is in turn causing me to feel super self-conscious and doubt myself in my love life, or lack thereof.

Advice please???

Former Member

The thing with dating and love is, that if you are impatient it won't work. I know it sounds completely crazy to expect a starving person to eat with cutlery and in a orderly fashion instead of shoveling food with both hands (the starving person being an analogy for a love starved person and eating in orderly fashion is taking it slow and being patient).

So he is stressed right now. Your first thought is to move on, because he cannot entertain you all the time. What you should be doing is getting on with your own life and see the dating thing like a hobby, optional, you do it maybe daily for a little bit, or maybe just once every 3 days but not all day every day.

Going out with new people, getting to know them and grow together is a process that needs time. You cannot force-grow a plant. If you grab it at the stem and pull it long you will destroy it. The same holds true for getting to know people and developing feelings. It sounds like you wanna get to know a guy on day one, meet his parents on day 2, have a romantic getaway on day 3 and be married by day 4.

You won't click with every person. If you take every date that doesn't develop into more as a personal failure then you are doing it wrong. If you deal with dating and trying to develop a relationship with a guy as if it's something life-sustaining like breathing, not only will you rather push people away, but you will be devastated every time nothing more comes off a date.

"little" things like texting to often, always starting the conversation and not letting the other person initiate things, therefor being overbearing and needy kills the potential relationship in it's child bed. The solution is not pacing up and down and hitting yourself when you get the urge to text, the solution is leading a somewhat time-filling day to day life that keeps your thoughts occupied.

Believe me. I am myself in the early stages of dating with a girl I've met twice now. We get along well, but I could constantly see her. Shit, I'd inhale her so she lives in my lungs and is constantly around, but I did not put my life on hold. I spend days in the library studying, go work out, go play footie, go see friends, and then we text a bit and it feels so great and low pressure, because my live is steady and goes on anyway. My life's purpose has not become making her mine. I don't NEED her to be happy and to survive. People can pick up on that and - the mentally sound - at least don't fancy someone dependent and needy.