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Need some advice - in love with a girl who loves her ex

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So basically this girl is one of my closest friends. We met about a year ago now, and she had a boyfriend at the time. I had feelings for her right from the start pretty much, but I never actually told her because I thought it'd make things awkward, although I knew she was bisexual. So her boyfriend broke up with her about a month ago, and a few days ago she started messaging me with really flirty and sexual things, asking me what turns me on and stuff like that. I was a bit confused to be honest, because I thought she wasn't over him yet.

Anyway one thing led to another and basically she said she wants to sleep with me next time we meet up. She insists that she's over her ex and everything is fine, so me being the idiot I am, accept that. Then today she called me, saying that she saw her ex for the first time in a while, and it made her realise that she's still completely in love with him, really misses him etc. I just broke down crying on the phone but made an excuse that I was just worried about her being upset.

The truth is, it made me realise that I've completely fallen for her. At first it was just a crush, but now I think I'm genuinely in love with her. But she obviously still loves him, and the worst part about it is he's fucked her about non-stop. At first he said he just wanted to take a break, then it later turned out he wanted to end the relationship altogether. He's been ignoring all her messages and refuses to talk to her about the relationship or answer any questions, yet he'll still chat to her casually and even hug her. He's completely messing with her head and to be honest it pisses me off.

I can't tell her how I really feel because I don't want to mess up our friendship. I'm completely in love with her, but I know she doesn't feel the same way, even though she admitted to being attracted to me even when she was with her ex. I've just got no idea what to do because I feel so selfish because she's going through a really difficult time, but this is just tearing me apart. I haven't felt like this about anyone for years.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Really, in my personal experience, there is nothing you can do to help her get over him. In my teens I tried that countless times. Be the open ear, the shoulder to cry on, give faux impartial advice that was actually undermining the ex (or even current boyfriend who was an asshat). Don't do that. First, it does not get you anywhere, you cannot force her feelings about some matter. Second, it's kinda sleazy.

    If she offers you sex again, I would decline on the grounds that she is not over her ex and you don't fancy being a rebound, which you will be. Sure, having sex with the girl you are in love with sounds ace! You know what does not sound ace? Deepening your feelings for her after a very intimate moment and realizing she is not that into you and moving on to another guy.

    Also, please take not that you are currently not having a "friendship". A friendship consists of two people who are friends. Once one person is in love with the other person it is not friendship anymore. You have other goals and expectations and interests that a friend would have. So much about the "I don't wanna ruin the friendship."

    Here's what I do: Step back from this. This is a volatile situation you have little control over. Get on with your own life, stop getting in touch with her and let her figure out herself that she needs to cut the lifeline to her ex to get over him and find happiness. Once that happened and if she gets in touch with you, your head hopefully has cooled a bit and you can take stock of the situation then and there, maybe tell her about how you feel and what you like your relationship to each other want to evolve to.

    Your feelings about her do not obligate her to anything. Just because you feel for her what you have never felt before does not mean the universe decided that you are the modern Adam and Eve, if just means that her face triggers a reaction in the reward center of your brain, so don't overestimate that.

    In a sense she is making the same mistake that you do, she clings to an implausible idea that makes her unhappy. The solution is to let go.

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