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Unrequited love
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have fallen in love with my gay best friend/ roommate. I would do anything for him, but he does not feel the same way about me. I have no family left and he is really the only friend that I have. It is killing me to have to pretend that I am ok and supportive of his sleeping with other people. I always told myself that I could handle our arrangement as long as it was me that he came home to every night. But lately he has started lying to me about what he is doing.What should I do? I don't want to lose him from my life, but I don't know if i can keep loving this way the stress and anxiety are wearing me down. I have developed full-blown agoraphobia and his presence is the only thing that allows me to go out in public. I have spoken openly to him about my feelings for him and everything else, but he seems unconcerned and unsupportive. I cannot see any way out of this situation at the moment. (I am female btw if that changes things at all)
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At first you need to internalize that it's not gonna happen, and just because you love him so much does not obligate him to love you back. You should move out, find new friends, by joining some kind of club (sports maybe?) and relate to new people. Believe me when I say that these feelings won't resolve itself. You actively need to get your life back on the tracks by diversifying the people you meet, bringing distance between you both (moving out, not hanging out with him).
5 Years ago I was on holiday with a girl. I fell in love with her and we fooled around a couple times. On that trip was another dude who had a thing for her for way longer. He tried to get with her in the past, repeatedly, but she was never interested. I established no contact with the girl because I couldn't deal with her sleeping with other dudes and not requiting my feelings. She was mad and devastated that I would withdraw myself from her and I felt really guilty, but I knew I had to do this for my own well-being. 3 years later we reconnected and have an amicable relationship. We don't see each other often, but it's nice. Meanwhile, that dude never broke contact with her (and she does not see it as her obligation to do that for him). In the last decade he tried to get with her countless times. Going out drinking, trying it with alcohol induced weakness of the senses? Check, sober and heartfelt confessions? check. She complains constantly to me about what he did now (leave her long rambling messages when she did not get in touch with him for a few weeks, while she is busy). She says, "I cannot deal with this anymore. Either you accept there will never be anything between us or you leave me the hell alone." Then it's all back to same ol' and being "friends" (It's not friendship, don't kid yourself. Friendship is between two friends. If one person wants more from the other they have different interests at heart and are not a friend to this person). A few weeks later he will try again. I pity that fool and it makes me resent him. Don't be like him.
You need to make that drastic change or you are not going to solve this issue for yourself.
It sounds like a really hard situation to be in *hug*
StrubbleS's advice is important here - it seems like, for now, staying away/moving out/trying to build your own life could be the best way for your feelings towards him to change. Having him around every day will make it harder to move on.
You mention you have no family left - do you have other friends you could turn to instead of him? Being agoraphobic can also make people rely on others more than usual - hence creating this strong need for them to be around. Have you ever had treatment or seen your GP in relation to this? It could be worth visiting your GP if you haven't yet - they have experience in this and should be sympathetic. This feeling of stress and anxiety could possibly subside if help is available to you - and it can be.
Have a look at our articles if you can;
Agoraphobia
I love my best friend
Unrequited love
Do let us know how you get on :yes:
Sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time recently, it always hurts when the person you love doesn't share the same feelings, and you can't really choose who you develop feelings for.
You need to understand that your feelings may not be based on truth but instead an idealized situation of what you two could have been like together, or what you really want to him to be like, instead of who is really is.
In this situation, as with many others, you've let your feelings overshadow all other aspects of your life, and this has led you to feel frustrated, upset and agoraphobic. The good news is that you can use this situation to grow stronger for the future. The best way of dealing with this is by giving yourself distance, as StrubbleS states and maybe looking into seeing help from your GP, as Christele said. However it may also be helpful to talk to your family or other friends instead of suffering in silence, or talking to someone outside of the situation like contacting Supportline on (020) 8554 9004, who have confidential trained listeners. Alternatively, grab a glass of wine/ hot chocolate etc. and you're favourite film (I think The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Jack Black maybe an ultimate winner now!) but obviously everyone has a different film they turn to - and maybe escape the world for a little bit, in the comfort of your PJs and sofa?
I'm sorry but it probably is unlikely that you'll be over him tommorow, but by focusing on yourself more and giving it time, your emotions will feel less intense, until this is just "past" self-esteem building experience!