Trigger warning. Was I sexually assaulted

Former Member

Over the weekend I was visiting a friend in Wales. On Saturday night we went to one of her friends houses. He was an older guy. Very late 30s early 40s. I'm 24. There was myself, my friend and her partner, this older guy and his 2 teenage sons. We all had a bit of a chill out and a few drinks and all got pretty drunk. My friend and her partner then went up to bed. And I went up to the spare room as the older friend was going to sleep in the living room. 20 mins later he ended up stumbling in the bedroom as it was too cold he had nowhere else to sleep. ( I pretended to be asleep this whole time) he got into bed and rolled away from me. Sometime later he rolled over and put his arm over me. I squirmed a bit. He then started rubbing his hands all over me. He kept putting his hands on the top of my leggings so I would move away a little (still trying to pretend to be asleep) he moved closer and pulled my leggings all the way down to my knees and was rubbing me all over with his hands. He kept trying to move my legs apart. (I would pretend to stir and he would stop) he did this for I don't know ten mins or so before he mumbled something and rolled over going to sleep. I waited until he was definatly asleep and I got up pulled my leggings up bad went to sleep downstairs in the living room after drinking more by myself. The next day he acted like nothing happened. I didn't say anything. I didn't k one how to react as my friend was telling me what a nice guy he was and all this and his two teenage sons where in the house I felt I couldn't make a scene or confront him at any point. Was I sexually assaulted?
I feel like I had done something for him to do this. I now feel like I'm over reacting. I don't know what to do?
Please note that I have been raped and sexually assaulted before this.

Former Member

Hi Izziestars,
Welcome to TheSite, I'm glad you felt able to post today.

I can say without a shadow of doubt that you're not overreacting about this. What you experienced was sexual assault - this man was touching you intimately without your consent. I'm very happy to know that you were able to take yourself downstairs to sleep away from this man, but I recognize that even being touched by him at all was likely to be horrible and upsetting for you.

Given the awful experience you've had in the past, it sounds like you feel as though you somehow encouraged this behaviour? This isn't an unusual way to feel - although that doesn't make those thoughts true - it means that it's very possible that the negative experiences you've had have deeply affected your self esteem and sense of worth - perhaps you find it difficult to accept that you have the right to live in freedom from this kind of touching?

Talking to friends about this kind of thing can be really tough, particularly if you're experiencing feelings of shame - it can take a long, long time to accept that the people who commit these kinds of acts are the only ones who should feel ashamed. However, perhaps just being aware of this (even if it takes time to sink in) could give you the courage to eventually talk to your friends? It's also worth noting that many young women (sadly) do experience some level of sexual assault in their life time and so you might be surprised to discover that some of your friends can relate to your experience. Obviously though, only you know your friends best and can make the decision about whether you feel safe and comfortable to share with them.

When talking to people close to us is too difficult, which is understandable, it can help to seek support in impartial spaces. Coming here is an example of that, you may also find it helpful to speak to someone at an organisation who specializes in this area. You can use our Local Advice Finder to find support local to you - let us know if you need any help finding something suitable: http://www.thesite.org/apps-and-tools/find-local-services

Also please keep talking here if you find it helps - it's also likely that others in the community will be able to relate to your experience and will chip into this discussion too.

Take care *hug*