Angry. Hurt. Scared.

ShatteredSecrets

Hi guys..

I honestly just don't know how to feel right now. Angry. Hurt. Scared. Anxious. It's just way too much. I suppose I should give you all a little bit more.

Right now I am just feeling very angry. Not at anybody else. It's not even at the right person. I'm angry at myself. I've been thinking about my counselling session this week and I am just so bloody wound up. I am angry at that 5 year old little girl who did nothing. She did nothing to stop this from happening. You all must be reading this thinking "she's absolutely lost it. Who is she blaming" and before you guys say anything I am talking about myself.. just at 5 years old. I'm not angry at the people who hurt me. I'm angry at myself for not even doing anything about it. I'm just... I can't even find the words I am shaking with anger. It makes me really want to hurt myself.

I've also been struggling so much this week. It feels worse than it ever has been before. I felt like I was at the end of my rope and could not cope with this any longer. I ended up e-mailing my point of contact at my volunteering placement. I did this because I've known her for about 2-3 years and we get on really well. Originally it was just an e-mail to ask when she needs me next... but then she replied and asked how I was doing. I admitted to her I was struggling and when she asked me what was going on I just unravelled and crumbled. I fell apart. I told her most things and after it was sent I immediately regretted it. She came back to me and said she wants me to see my GP.. and even a mental health team if it got to that. She even offered to go with me. But I feel like it's all a waste of time. Like what would happen? They would want me to go into counselling? Well I already have that. They want me on medication? Well I can't afford to pay for prescriptions. I already pay for my counselling. I just feel at the end of my tether right now.

I'm also really anxious and worried for tomorrow. I'm supposed to be going to have an implant put it and im really worried about what will happen. Last time I was pretty much turned away for contraception. This time I will make sure I have it but.. I'm worried the nurse is going to say something about the state of my arms. I really don't need her getting involved. I'm just hoping she either sees it and ignores it or doesn't notice it. Thinking of just covering with make up and hope it will be enough to make it not so obvious.

I don't know guys.. Sorry I'm rambling on about so much. If you've read this far... here.. have a cookie!

-ShatteredSecrets

Former Member

Hey SS,

You can ramble on as much as you feel you need to – I hope it’s helping for you to come and write your feelings down here. I can see that you have been struggling a lot over the last few days, and it’s good that you feel able to open up to us

It sounds like your emotions were running high when you posted this, and in particular you were feeling very angry and anxious. You said that you’re angry at yourself for not having done anything to stop it – are you talking about people hurting you? It seems like it’s causing you a lot of anger and pain. Nobody should be having to go through this, including you. If things at home are getting tough it might be worth getting in touch with SupportLine. They can offer you some advice and support with whatever you might be going through.

It’s great that you were able to confide in your volunteer manager. It sounds like she really cares and that you trust her with what you told her. I know you feel that seeing your GP might be a waste of time, but if you feel you are able to have a go it’s worth discussing what your options are. Did you know that if you’re still a student you may be eligible for help with health costs?

It’s understandable why you were worried about the nurse seeing your arms, and not wanting her to bring it up. Remember you don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to – only if you feel ready and able to

Look after yourself SS, we are here for you *hug*

Former Member

I also just wanted to say it sounds like the 5 year old you could do with a hug *hug* Coping with things at that age when you don't really understand them is hard. It's okay to feel angry though and to wish things could have been different.

It's really good you have the counselling support - counselling is a real journey and it does sometimes become more painful before it gets easier. What you're experiencing is all part of the process to work through your thoughts and feelings about what happened and this will hopefully help you to cope better in the long term.

How did the appointment for the implant go?

Let us know how you're getting on

louisa982

Hey. its okay not be to be okay.its okay to feel this way. I know it might not seem like it, but i'm here for you!! I don't know what else to say as it's all been said by jo and raich . just stay strong. i love you! hugs *hug**hug**hug**hug**hug**hug* xx

ShatteredSecrets

Hi guys..

thank you..

I already have looked into health costs.. I can't really get anything which makes no sense to me whatsoever.. so now I just avoid the doctors because I really can't afford any meds or prescriptions.

The implant appointment was ok. But when I got home I just received a lot of trouble because my parents found out. They went off on one at me because people at home are really putting pressure on me to get pregnant at the moment and I just really don't want to. I couldn't do that now.

Counselling is just really really really difficult right now. Yesterday I finally disclosed absolutely everything and I just don't know how to feel about it. I don't feel happy or relieved. I just feel bad and guilty and ashamed. I feel like I shouldn't have done it, but I just couldn't control myself. It just happened and I really hate myself for everything. It was supposed to be a huge secret and now I've messed it all up.

and Thanks Louisa... you're a babe.. I love yoooooou xxx