Who do you think makes the most effort in your relationship?

Former Member

Relationships generally take a lot of effort and compromise, some more than others, whether it be “practical” or “emotional”.

Maybe you’re the one who cooks all the time or the one who always does the dishes? Maybe you’re the one who always makes the journey and takes the time to see your partner’s friend? Or maybe you always make sure the other gets their emotional needs met, but you don’t?

Who do you think makes the most effort in your relationship? Is it balanced and are you happy with the arrangement? It would also be interesting to explore whether your partner would perceive this balance in the same way! :chin:

Former Member

Interesting to differentiate between the practical and emotional in this way - some people feel much more at home with practical 'affection' and some people feel way more at ease being emotionally supportive. There's been quite a lot of research about the languages of love and so I wonder if any of you feel able to identify your preferred language of love - and do you feel that's something your partner is aware of? Or perhaps boyfriends/girlfriends have or haven't been aware of?

1. Saying nice things about you - compliments and appreciation for you

2. Doing nice things for you - helping out with chores, helping you with your course work or revision, going to a family thing with you

3. Giving you gifts - speaks for itself! It might be that you feel more loved if your other half gives you a big birthday present than if they write you a love poem

4. Spending lots of quality time with you - making the effort to have special time that's just for the two of you

5. Physical touch - hand holding, kissing, cuddles and sex

Former Member

I definitely make more of the effort, and we both know it. It's awkward though because to redress that balance she would have to give up something huge in her life and I most certainly wouldn't want that to happen. I'm not entirely happy with it, but it's hard to get this balance when there are so many circumstances conspiring against that!

Former Member

I would say I am polyglot in the love languages. I appreciate them all a lot. I think I can mostly forgo with the gift giving, because I am bad at that and therefor also don't expect gifts. With my last 2 partners it was usually me who initiated the communication to meet and also who initiated the sex. I should mention though that those were not serious long-term relationships

I recently read an article by a women who was on the receiving end of her husband not initiating sex anymore. She was devastated and already entertained the worst case scenarios, like cheating, losing attraction and god knows what. Asking herself questions of divorce etc. People she asked for advice urged her to speak to her husband about it and it turned out that there were perfectly valid and satisfactory reasons for this (can't remember). Anyway, the conclusion was, that she got comfortable in the status quo that her husband initiates and since he does so in a frequency that is OK with her, never thought to initiate herself, but just go along with it and never thought how her husband feels about this until the moment she was on the receiving end of not getting reassurance and a display of desirability and suddenly it was the worst thing ever.

Point of that is, that I really enjoy physical touch and doing nice things for one, because having your partner not say "No" to your advances is NOT the same as the feeling of being desired when your partner takes the reigns into their hand. Of course verbal reassurance is nice too, but words come easy and I already get a lot of those from non-romantic people in my life.

Ideally I like to be everything split right through the middle. Alternate with cooking, etc. Of course if one is not as good or does not like it that much one can take over for that. I for example don't mind laundry one bit, but I detest dishes/kitchen cleaning, so a compromise can maybe be found

Former Member

plugitin wrote: »

I definitely make more of the effort, and we both know it. It's awkward though because to redress that balance she would have to give up something huge in her life and I most certainly wouldn't want that to happen. I'm not entirely happy with it, but it's hard to get this balance when there are so many circumstances conspiring against that!

It's true that sometimes there can be too many compromises to be made that there comes a point when it's clear someone makes the most effort. Its good you both know this and it seems perhaps no matter how "unbalanced" certain relationships are, talking and acknowledging this unbalance could be the key?

StrubbleS wrote: »

having your partner not say "No" to your advances is NOT the same as the feeling of being desired when your partner takes the reigns into their hand

Ideally I like to be everything split right through the middle.

Interesting point about the difference between being the one who initiates all the time - getting a positive response feels good but perhaps not as good as having the other initiate from time to time. Perhaps the extra efforts made at the dating stage, in order to impress, stay the same (and perhaps this is what had attracted you to the person) when in fact it wasn't an effort they had planned to keep up for so long, but now the expectation is there?