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Broken.

ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets NoobPosts: 186 Boards Initiate
Hi guys..

I need help. I don't know what to do. I am really struggling to cope. I've relapsed back into SH as well as my disordered eating.

Today has just made it so much worse. Spent all night in an argument. I had an appointment to see a youth worker which really backfired bc she is pretty much telling me everything is my fault. She is done with me. I then come home to an absolute war zone. Everyone is shouting and arguing and fighting. Yet I am to blame for everything. All the anger here is scaring me. I am done with myself. I can't cope with life anymore. I have nobody to talk to and nowhere to go. I just want to disappear.

- ShatteredSecrets

I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey SS,

    I see you posted this on Friday, I'm sorry that we didn't pick it up earlier as it sounds like you were really struggling. When I read this I feel sad and concerned and I hope that by at least being able to be honest here you got some small relief in the moment.

    I'm so sorry to hear about the anger that surrounded you on Friday. Arguments can be extremely draining and can leave us feeling wired, full of adrenalin and emotion and then we can sort of crash afterwards into feel despairing and powerless. What's your current living situation?

    You also mention you've relapsed recently so I would urge you to speak to your GP to let them know so that they can help make sure that you're getting the support you need from your youth worker. Do you feel able to share what the youth worker said to you? It sounds like she may not be aware just how much you're struggling and is expecting a lot of you?

    Well done for opening up to us here, if it's helping then please do continue and let us know how you're feeling today.

    WomensAid are always there for you too - you can call their helpling if you're feeling afraid. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

    *hug*
  • ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets Noob Posts: 186 Boards Initiate
    It's ok. Thanks for replying anyways.

    I currently live with my parents and sister.. but I'm a carer for one of them.

    tbh I don't want to see my youth worker anymore. She doesn't want to see me either so that suits me just fine. She said we're making no progress at all and that I'm not even trying to take the help I'm given so there's not much she can do anymore. I have told her I'm struggling but in her mind I'm just clearly not worth it.. Really I should be used to people giving up on me by now.

    My GP's (I have two) aren't even aware of my eating problems or self harm.. I'm too scared to tell them. I don't think I could handle anyone knowing. It's such a personal and private thing and I feel like even if they knew I wouldn't be able to stop. It help with my confusion and anger at the moment. I always figured it's safer hurting myself rather than someone else when I get angry.

    If I did ring WA - Would they do anything? Or just listen?

    Today I'm just feeling quite on edge and watchful. I've hurt myself and I want to do it again but I know I can't. I'm worried because tomorrow I'm supposed to have blood tests and BP monitor fitted and I'm scared I'm going to get found out. I'm trying to figure out how to hide it.

    Thanks Jo *hug*

    - ShatteredSecrets

    I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi SS,

    Sorry to hear about all of this and sorry for the late reply so I am not sure whether any of this would be of any use to you still, I am new here but my advice would probably be to ring up the WA if you feel as though you need to. They will listen but could also give you some great advice.

    Would you ever feel as though you could tell your GP? As they are someone who could help you and keep it confidential. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to hurt others and hurting yourself instead as I have felt that many times, but, you shouldn't have to feel that way.

    May I ask how you have hurt yourself and if it is cleaned or bandaged? If anything the blood test could be a good way for you to tell your GP about it as they could do the most to help out of anyone really, but only if you feel ready to do so.

    Take it from someone who knows, you cannot hide it forever. One day you have to let people in and let the help you.

    Hope some of this helps.

    Ash.
  • ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets Noob Posts: 186 Boards Initiate
    I'm not sure if I could call WA... I feel like my situation isn't bad enough to.....

    I don't know if I can.. I barely know them... it's not something I feel I could just open up about so easily.

    If you must know, I ended up cutting myself several times on both arms. I didn't really feel the need to clean it. I just stopped the bleeding and I didn't have any bandages so I just left them. I just used a tonne of foundation to cover them up.. it took me over an hour but I did it. The result is just very orange looking arms. Luckily nobody asked about my weird coloured arms or the marks that were still quite faint. I suppose it was because they were really busy too it just did not occur or even notice.

    I don't know if I will ever be ready to tell someone about my self harming. I feel too guilty and ashamed.

    Thanks for taking the time to reply.

    - ShatteredSecrets

    I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can if you want to, I personally think it is a situation worth talking about.

    No problem, you don't have to, fair enough.

    Thank you, you didn't need to tell me but thank you. Right okay. I know what you mean about feeling guilty and ashamed, but you shouldn't. Nothing is your fault. When the time comes you will feel ready to talk to someone about it. But until the feel free to keep talking on here especially on the general chats in the evenings, I find those particularly useful as a relaxing thing.

    No worries, here to help :)

    - Ash.
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