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no way can this be normal right?

One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million NoobPosts: 538 Incredible Poster
So I've been talking to this guy for about 6 month (aprox)
I wouldn't really say that was a long time and I still feel I don't really know him as this is via the internet even though a friend of mine does know him.

Anyway we have talked about meeting. However there is a lot of red flags for me regardless of what my friend says about him

He keeps saying I could go his to chill instead of spending money on going a coffee shop as I suggested. He also is persistent that be could pick me up in his car and no matter how many times Ive said no (politely) he keeps asking why even though I have told him I don't get into cars with people I'm not very familiar with.


He keeps inviting me on minni weekends and holidays regardless of the amount of times Ive said I don't know him enough for that.


I'm not just being over protective of myself am I? At least I don't think I am lol just doesn't feel right to get in his car, go his house with just us two, go on day trip or even leave the country.

Comments

  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hello One-In-A-Million,

    6 Months for online dating is a difficult one, as some would say that would be the 'right meet up time' and others would say it was far to early. But it's really down to what you feel comfortable with. Baring in mind, you need to take your own needs into consideration, before this person you met online. You said you met him via a friend, correct? - Have you been able to talk to your friend about meeting him and stuff? Like hosting an informal meeting, so you can add a proper face to them and all that m'larky, again, this is your choice.

    I can see where all the red flags are flagging up, with what your saying, I would be quite causious too. And wary about meeting an individual whose quite reluctant to meet in a Public cafe, and so forth. You could express that you don't mind spending money, and see if there is a middle ground and sometimes you do kind of have to be strict, and say 'I'm not getting in the car with someone I''ve never met, nor going to your house" as if he truely did love you, and you loved him and so forth, or you're on the skirts m'larky of making a relationship then he really should understand.

    I completely see where you're coming from though, like I wouldn't say you were being over protective at all, but sometimes, you do need that chracteristic, to be protective and so forth, so I think it's a great trait to have, How would you feel about a informal gathering? A friends house party or something?

    Let us know what you think, and keep us updated and remember in this situation always remember to put yourself first :heart:

    Best wishes,
    WhispersOfTheHeart
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't say I'd feel comfortable meeting someone for the first tme at theirs. I'd much rather go somewhere public. It's generally advised that you do meet in public just in case something does go wrong. Hopefully it won't.

    I think if he did care, he would take your feelings into consideration. I've met people online before (as friends) and one said that we need to meet in public. I was happy with that. We'd known each other for some years and I wouldn't have been comfortable turning up to his.

    Meeting in public doesn't mean you have to spend money. We just went for a walk. I was happy with that.

    Have you done things like speak on the phone or skype, etc?
  • SarahRSarahR Mod Posts: 213 Settling in
    Hi One-in-a-million

    It sounds like you're feeling you still want to meet this guy but you're a bit uncomfortable at how insistent he's being about doing things his way. When it comes to meeting someone you've been talking to online, safety is key. Your suggestion of meeting in public and wariness about being in a car with him is spot on. It's been common advice ever since people started talking to each other over the internet, so don't feel that you're being too sensitive :) We even have this advice in our own article about making friends online: "Make sure you meet in a public place during daylight hours, e.g. afternoon coffee or a quick lunchtime drink and try to take someone with you, arrange a signal beforehand so that if you don’t want to stay, you can make your excuses and leave safely. Be careful of dangers like date rape, and don’t leave your stuff unattended."

    It sounds as though you've been very clear with him about what you'd like to do but he's not really taken what you've said on board. It's ultimately your decision whether you'd still like to go ahead and meet him, however it might be worth considering whether you want to meet with someone who doesn't seem to be respecting your boundaries. Your feelings are important and valid here - you've given him clear reasons why you don't want to do the things he's suggested and, even if you hadn't given those reasons, that's fine! Saying "No thank you" to something is always OK if that's how you feel.

    How would you feel about saying something like, "I'd really like to meet with you still, but I would like it to be at the coffee shop rather than your house. Is that OK?" If he doesn't agree or tries to make you feel guilty, it might be worth considering whether it's a good idea to meet at all. There will be plenty of other guys who will be more than happy to respect what you want :)

    Let us know how you get on,

    SarahR
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 538 Incredible Poster
    Thank you guys, I have spoken to my friend but not really getting much from her. To be honest I was feeling ready to meet him (publicly) but he seems so fixed on being alone with me I'm not so sure anymore. Just the other day he invited me on a day trip and when I said no he seemed to be a bit off about it as if he couldn't see a problem. I explained to him that I would need to get to know him a lot more before I could make that decision, he didn't seem to like that really as he said "But you could get to know me on this trip"

    I'm glad you guys dont think I'm being over sensitive and protective as I had a bad experience at school with sexual harassment and it's taken time to gain my confidence again. This was like 5 years ago mind and I'm doing a lot better now. I like the idea of getting a friend to come with me and if we do decide to meet that is something I am going to think about.


    Thatnk you

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This would ring alarm bells for me tbh. I wouldn't feel comfortable meeting someone alone for the first time. I was lucky - in the situation I mentioned above, he said "we have to meet in public" suggested a place, we talked for a few hours and then went our separate ways. Ok, we were alone; but if something did happen, I would have quite easily just walked away and gone home. Neither of us were too far from where we lived.

    You're being sensible here, which is good.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm wary of anyone whose that persistent and doesn't get "no" too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Let me put it like this: I have met people for the first time in private settings (at either our homes) and never murdered anyone nor got murdered/raped. It is COMPLETELY ok and probably more sensible to not want that and I get that. So his suggestion should not have rung alarm bells the first (or second) time imho, BUT since you explained that you don't like that and would like to get to know him first in a carefree setting like a coffee shop he should be all over that suggestion to accommodate you and have you be comfortable. After all, getting to know someone like this is the stepping stone to chill at home or make a day long trip.

    The fact that he does not understand this and suggests weekend trips (with a person you never met *shudder*. Imagine you find out 30 minutes into the road trip you have jack all to talk about and now you meet hours upon hours of nightmarish awkwardness) etc. means he kind of does not get your "No". Yes, these are indeed red flags.

    The only advice I have for you is: Stop talking to him. The last time I got talking with a person I met her the very next day, I am also ok with talking a week or two, but everything over 3-4 weeks becomes ridiculous. I wanna put a face to the talk and see a smile and not just an emoticon. If you cannot set up a simple date after 6 months and you are constantly talking past each other (he is not hearing your suggestions and suggests things you clearly declined before) this is nothing more than a waste of your time.
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 538 Incredible Poster
    Hi guys, thank for your replies. Ive been talking to him a bit more and we have agreed to meet a few times but usually an hour before we meet he will say he can't come because he has been called out to work . No big deal except be will invite me to come to his work (his family own building thing or something to that) which again I have said no to. He also asks me questions before we meet like "will I get a kiss when we meet" again I usually reply with "lets just take it one step at a time and see how it goes"

    I think it's getting to the point where I no longer want to meet him as his suggestions make me feel a little unsecured.

    Thank you guys
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Random question, but is your friend a "real life" friend and have they met him?

    I have to say that I'd be running a mile away from someone like that. It sounds very dodgy indeed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds dodgy to me. I wouldn't want to meet him if I'm honest.
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