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lonely and confused

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
For the past few months I have felt lonely and isolated, even when I'm not alone. My friends, family and boyfriend just don't understand. I think it might have to do with me and my boyfriend drifting apart, although I'm not sure if that is the trigger or just a consequence. It has just been so much drama going on with us and I try to limit how much I vent to friends and family because I don't want them to judge me, him or our situation. And when I try to talk to him about it he just dismisses it and tells me I'm being emotional and starting arguments. He and his baby mama have been talking more recently, and he has been seeing her (in public places) and lying to me about it when I ask so as not to start a fight and she has been insisting that he break up with me and get back with her for the kids sake even though we have been together for 3yrs. I found out that the1st year of our relationship they were still messing around until she got pregnant by a man she never told him she was involved with. He constantly complains about her to me but then most of the time he does whatever she says and reasons that it is to help her get her life together and for his kids sake. She is 25 with 3 kids and no high school diploma and she cant hold down a job for longer than a few months. Whenever she is involved with someone she leaves my boyfriend alone but when she is single then she is throwing herself at him and whenever I try to talk about it, he says its none of my business and that it doesn't involve me. Even though we have been together for 3yrs we don't live together although I spend 6 days a week with him until about 3 months ago when this situation popped back up and now I see him maybe once a week because he says he is tired of arguing about the situation. I don't try to argue I just try o talk about how I feel but he feels I am over exaggerating about it all. But when I checked him phone to see if maybe I was, she was texting begging him to come pick her up from work so she could come over and lay up with him even though she had a ride there already. He told her no because the kids were sleep and he didn't want to wake them to pick her up but that was the only reason he gave. He didn't say no because it wouldn't be right he said no because the kids were sleep. I feel so lonely because the one person I want to talk to is the one person I can't because he doesn't take me seriously.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there missbhaven,

    Welcome to the boards :wave:

    Sounds like a really hard situation. Sometimes it's normal to doubt whether your feelings are justified or whether you might be over sensitive etc - but it seems like you only really doubt yourself when he says you're in the wrong or when he dismisses you. What you feel is important and at the end of the day it's making you unhappy at the moment - so these feelings are real.

    You mention you have spoken about this to him on many occasions, but how do these conversations take place? Have you tried to open the subject when you're both relaxed and can speak about it calmly? If these chats only occur as a result of a revelation or a fight, it might not be as productive. If you feel like he dismisses every time you open up about your feelings, then it could be worth considering how he makes you feel and if it's fair on you. You mention you prefer not talking to friends or family, but do you think perhaps speaking to a close friend could still be possible? One that you know wouldnt judge you?

    People say it's better to be lonely when you're alone then lonely in a relationship - re-evaluating what you want could help. Maybe making a list of qualities that you would like in a partner and then see how much of this list you have in your current relationship - and whether that's enough for you.

    Follow your instinct and do let us know how you get on *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sounds like a really tough situation, and I think what is going on with your boyfriend is definitely a big trigger in feeling like you do. It sounds like he is being pretty careless of your feelings, and I'm surprised that you mention so casually that he was cheating on you with his ex for the first year of your relationship. What are his good points? Does he make you feel safe, happy, secure, confident? Even if he has in the past, how long have you been feeling so low about everything?

    It's difficult as of course he needs to maintain a relationship with his ex for the sake of their child, but he can do this without showing the disrespect to you that he has been. It sounds like he is being dismissive when you try to talk about this, and accusing you of starting an argument is a very callous way of shooting you down and making you be quiet and question your own feelings.

    You're doing the right thing by seeking help. Don't let this man leave you doubting yourself - you matter and your feelings matter and nobody should be able to make you feel like that isn't the case. If you can't talk about your feelings to your boyfriend, or if he doesn't care to listen, perhaps it's time to have a think about what you are getting out of this relationship.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We took a trip two weeks ago. Just the weekend to take a break from everything and relax and it was amazing. Everything was great and we got along better than we have in months. As soon as we got back everything went back to hell. I have only seen him once since we have gotten back and we argued. He accused me of having an argument because I saw a receipt on his floor for a box of condoms. He said the condoms were for us but he hasn't bought condoms in months, I usually buy them, but since we had been getting along I didn't even make a big deal out of it and pretended I didn't even see it but he still accused me of having an attitude which in turn gave him an attitude. We were supposed to go to the movies last weekend but he had an attitude them saying he changed his mind because I didn't text him early enough even though we had discussed it the night before. I went over to talk it out and we went back in forth with this same old argument about me making excuses and never accepting when I'm wrong and always wanting to be right.

    With him there is always right and wrong and I feel like he has a script in his head of what i'm supposed to say and do and when I don't follow it there is a problem and I just should admit I'm wrong. He tells me I'm not submissive enough and I need to act like a woman and let him be the man and let him be right even if I don't agree. This mentality is new and also recent just like the attitude and baby mama drama. And him cheating the first year hurt but we I understood. He wanted to keep his family together. She left him a month after she had their second child and started dating someone else and he kept trying and begging her to come back and she would tell him no and that she wasn't interested but at the same time she was sleeping with both him and the new guy, so when she was starting to give in a while later and they started up again after we started dating I can see why he di it. I understand the family aspect of it.

    But I have just been pulling away from him because I'm tired of fighting to keep us together, I'm tired of fighting about her, and I'm tired of not feeling good enough because everything I do is wrong. I just want to be happy and every time I try to pull way he starts acting all sweet and pulls me back in. H e came over today and was hugging and kissing on me telling me how much he loves me and misses me and left 5min later with only a kiss goodbye, no talking or fighting just a quick stop by and go. And what is worse is that we work together so I see him 4 days a week 10hrs a day whether we get along or not, at first we were in different departments but a year ago I was transferred to his and there is no going back, at least not without a significant income lose. So there is no such thing as never seeing him again lol.

    He put on facebook the other day after our argument that he was feeling incomplete and "that he needs a better half instead of a half ass". Sometimes I feel likeh e is trying to manipulate me because when he is mad he gets verbally abusive and he throws thing at me although he has Never put his hands on me but he always makes me feel at fault and I can't decide if he is manipulating me or if my people pleasing personality is to blame. Am I over thinking it or am I letting him lead me along. If it were somebody else telling me this I would look at them like they're crazy but since its me and my feelings are involved its hard to let go and do what I would tell someone else to do.

    Sometime I wonder if its because I'm not loving enough and yes I have been told that before by ex's, friends, family because I keep my feeling to myself and hidden its hard expressing them. I keep to myself but he is the first person that I have ever been emotional about and my best friend told me that he was disappointed in how emotional I had become because I usually keep a clear head and my feeling detached. I thought you were supposed to love and be loved in return. I used to keep a diary and that was how I expressed myself but I grew out of it. Idk I just want him to love me like he used to or instantly get over him. If you have a instant cure because death or dismemberment it would be appreciated...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like things get worse when you get back to reality :( do you have any idea why this is the case? Of course being on holiday makes everyone more relaxed, but perhaps its worth noticing what made everything better when you were away, in comparison with what makes things "hell" when you got back?

    It doesnt seem fair that he expects you to always agree with him or listen to him and be "submissive" because you're a woman. You are allowed to say what you feel and what you want, not be expected to always say what you're "supposed to say".

    I just wanted to highlight this part of what you said;
    missbhaven wrote: »
    But I have just been pulling away from him because I'm tired of fighting to keep us together, I'm tired of fighting about her, and I'm tired of not feeling good enough because everything I do is wrong. I just want to be happy and every time I try to pull way he starts acting all sweet and pulls me back in.

    If this relationship is making you feel all the above and you say you simply want to be "happy" it's worth exploring what happiness is for you, what you want and what this relationship is giving you. You mention later on that you used to write a diary which helped you express how you feel - could you perhaps try to get back to writing?

    Do let us know how you get on *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im sorry to hear youre having problems..
    it seems his ex is causing is alot of the issues here and maybe its making him angry what she is doing. Maybe it bothers him that she is contacting him but feels he has to be polite for his childs sake which isnt fair on anyone especially you.

    Maybe ask if him but then again if you get told youre starting arguments maybe he needs to know how bad hes making you feel.

    Im glad you had a good weekend away with him
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