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Getting a heartache for a younger woman.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am new to this site, I have lurked some in the past, but only now just signed up.

I just started a relationship with a younger woman that I don't know where it is going, but it has started to effect my daily routines and life.

A little about me before I get into the relationship.I am 44 years of age, own a very small business, and spend most of my time taking care of my elderly parents.I have one sister who I am extremely close to and no one else really.I normally talk to her with issues but this I cannot, you will see why below.I have never been married and only been with two women ever, I have never excelled or wanted to excel at being social.I have only ever been seriously in love once and it didn't turn out good.So I kinda bottle it all up and never really attempted to go out with anyone new since then.The last nine years of my life I have been very content with my life even though I know I will never have a family of my own.I was not looking for a relationship at all.

Anyway, I have started having a relationship with my nieces best friend who is 22 years of age.She is almost like family, her and my niece spend tons of time together for as long as I can remember.My sister treats her like her own child and they to have a great relationship.Even though I knew about her for many years I have only met her in person this year, she is very attractive and very much a sweet young woman who almost anyone would like.It started about a two months ago, when I got a text from her saying she liked me a lot and she wanted to spend time with me alone.At first I was thinking this is maybe a joke and told her I liked her to and her feelings may pass once she gets to know me better.I know at 22 years old I barely knew what I wanted in life and was thinking she will change her mind really quick about me.Then she started coming over with my niece to help do things for my parents and we got along great just talking and sharing funny stories, I could tell her feelings wasn't going away.After about two week of this I confessed and told her I would like to see her to.The first two weeks of seeing her was just pure talking and joking around, until 5 days ago I kissed her passionately for some time, she accepted and we kissed more.I did push a little to get her in the back seat of my car and I think I may of sacred her some.At the end of the night she kissed me good night and later I sent her an email telling her I would never push things on her and never wanted to hurt or disrespect her ever.She replied saying she was flustered and very turned on by it, but also didn't expect me to ever kiss her.
It was very scary for me because I haven't wanted to kiss anyone for so long.I suck with my emotions and it took me so long to even attempt to try to do this.

I am old enough to know that there is a good chance this will never last other than sex a few times or until she finds someone her age or my sister finds out and gives me the third degree for messing with her daughter friends.I don't know what to think, I know age has nothing to do with relationship sometimes but I still feel like maybe I am taken advantage of her.But there is a huge part of me who wants more time with her.I have only seen her once briefly since I kissed her, while I haven't asked her out since, I don't wanna be over eager.I want to to see her again and share some of my heart, but I feel maybe she isn't ready for something serious and maybe she never wanted to be other than just friends by her response in her email.So the last few days I can't get this off my mind and my heart is aching.I can't focus, I am not listening to people when they are talking in my face.My imagination is insane with scenarios of different things and all are bad.I know I will crawl back into my safe hole if she tell me she no longer wishes to see me and that is fine, but I'm very afraid of crying around her and showing weakness.I have no clue what to do other than wait for her to tell me what she wants.With all this happening I understand I have been lonely for years now and ever since she has gave me her attention it has brought me out of a shell I have been hiding in for so long, but the hard part is I don't want to go back in it.My heart has so much to give, but I have no clue how to share it.

I'm sorry this has became such a long post.I know this should be a good thing meeting someone and liking them, but I don't know how to handle it because I haven't been in many relationships.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello! Welcome to TheSite

    I think you have a chance if she really loves you. It all depends what she wants. Some women want an older man to love and look up to and if they are a decent sort of chap which you sound like, then there is every chance of that happening, so good lucvk to the both of you.

    I'm 25 and been married though the relationship was very different (can you read my background in the forum's Introduction page) inasmuch that I thought I was secure, but my husband had a roving eye and acted on his fantasies. He was 20 years older than me. Anyway, in the runup to our marriage we were very happy and it those memories that I hold onto because they were incredibly happy times, so very meaningful.

    I don't feel age has a lot to do with it when two people fall in love. But as you said, there is every chance she will leave you and you must be prepared for that. In the meantime, have a good life together. I sincerely wish you all the very best. :)

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    AccessDenied - Thank you for the kind words.

    That sucks about your marriage.When I was younger I much more jealous and your experience would have drove me crazy.At least you had some great memories.

    Yeah I am not to sure what my relationship is really.I don't want to force some kind of choice on her and I wouldn't be mad if she didn't want to see me anymore.I would be happy if she was happy, but I would love to know if I could be that person to make her happy long term.Its funny in my line of work I make important decisions all the time, and I have power of attorney over both my parents so I make the tough decisions regarding their well being.But something so simple like sharing my feelings with someone I have the hardest time with.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Like a sickness emerges from a weekend immune system, this relationship emerges from your inner turmoil. I doubt you have been content the last decade, and I doubt that you are OK with your assessment that you will never have a family of your own.

    This will come out to the surface and then your relationship with your sister and niece will be nuked. I know 22 year olds have a tight body and tits are a hard currency, but pull yourself together and look at this situation objectively. What can come out of this? True and eternal love? Well you realized at least that part. You go through the emotional tides like a 16 year old, even though you could be her father and probably should represent more than a father figure to her if she is so close with your sister/niece.

    The thing is, young women often want older, mature, powerful men, to falsely bolster their own value, yet I cannot think of a mature and powerful middle-aged man that is intrigued of the inner workings of a 22 year old girl.

    I think this is a mistake. Go and rejuvenate your life differently and don't look for volatile, fleeting romances that can go only skin deep.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    22 year olds have a tight body and tits are a hard currency

    LAWL I'll remember that next time I go to gym for a work out sesh! :p

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A few worrying generalisations about young women in this thread :(

    engine - the main thing to let you know is that this forum is a youth site aimed at 16-25s so you may be better off talking about this in a space that is more suited to your age. Here are a few links that you could try:

    CALM - provide support on a range of issues including relationships: https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get...8eYntIuIo5Evr9 h0vOIYBP16Fjj4MqvAaAin18P8HAQ

    Peoplesproblems - a forum and live chat service: http://www.peoplesproblems.org/

    Samaritans - you can talk to a trained listener on the phone or via email: http://www.samaritans.org/

    Saying that, I wanted to add a few suggestions and things to think about that might help.

    When it comes to any relationship, open communication is a really important building block and right now it seems there are a great deal of unknowns here. You describe a situation whereby you don't know what she thinks or feels and are waiting for some sort of signal from her. Being able to have an open and honest conversation is important. You're both adults after all. Being able to show your weakness and vulnerability can actually be a strength in relationships as it's about being real and authentic rather than hiding your true feelings. It's also important that you feel safe doing this however and whilst things are so uncertain you're unlikely to feel confident in baring your soul.

    Whilst age gaps such as the one you describe aren't uncommon, it sounds like you do have some reservations and unease around it - you mention your own state of mind at 22 and how different that feels for example. It's also worth considering your relationship with your niece should things not go to plan.

    As Strubbles mentioned, it sounds as though this situation could feel that much heightened due to your wider history of relationships. You may want to consider working things through with a counsellor so that you can find some clarity and confidence in yourself - the counselling directory is a great starting point to find a counsellor near you: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ It's worrying to hear you talk about 'crawling back into your safe hole' and it sounds like investing some time in yourself could really be of benefit in terms of you nurturing healthy relationships in the future. You mention this experience has brought you out of your shell and you don't want to go back in - perhaps this is the first thing for you to look at and work out how you can find more happiness and motivation generally, relationships aside?

    Relate also offer relationships support and counselling and there may be one near you:

    You're welcome to keep posting here but do be aware that the vast majority of members here are 16-25.

    Thanks and all the best :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jo7 - Ah yeah I didn't see an age thing.I must have had this site and another one similar mixed up, my apologizes.Thank you for honesty and reply's.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No problem engine, all the best :)
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