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Beautiful Disaster - self-harm struggle
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
I self-harmed for years when I was a teenager, I struggle to live with the 100 odd scars I have, I hate them. I've been struggling with the impulse to self-harm for a few weeks now. Not doing it because I can't handle the self hate, the disgust I feel, the guilt... But right now I'm really struggling to see those things as important. I don't want to harm myself, the thought makes me feel sick. So what do I do?!
The pain I feel inside makes me want to die and I've always felt like the pain has been numbed, like it's two steps away from the surface and it irritates me, makes me angry. So i used to cut, bring that pain to the surface. I wanted to feel it instead of it just sitting there. I knew it wouldn't make the pain go away, I knew it wouldn't make me feel any better in the long term. The relief would last 5 minutes and then the disgust and self hatred would kick in. But the pain I feel right now demands to be felt. It's not something I can run away from, something I can forget is there while I watch a film.
I want to hurt myself but the thought makes me feel sick. So what do I do aye? Scream, punch something, talk to someone? If the words self harm are mentioned to my family they all take a deep breath, remembering the pain of me slowly killing myself. Friends? What friends? Therapist, yeah, he left ages ago because I clearly wasn't a priority. That happens a lot to me.. People always leave. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either way I feel crappy and alone, either way I feel hurt and suicidal...
The pain I feel inside makes me want to die and I've always felt like the pain has been numbed, like it's two steps away from the surface and it irritates me, makes me angry. So i used to cut, bring that pain to the surface. I wanted to feel it instead of it just sitting there. I knew it wouldn't make the pain go away, I knew it wouldn't make me feel any better in the long term. The relief would last 5 minutes and then the disgust and self hatred would kick in. But the pain I feel right now demands to be felt. It's not something I can run away from, something I can forget is there while I watch a film.
I want to hurt myself but the thought makes me feel sick. So what do I do aye? Scream, punch something, talk to someone? If the words self harm are mentioned to my family they all take a deep breath, remembering the pain of me slowly killing myself. Friends? What friends? Therapist, yeah, he left ages ago because I clearly wasn't a priority. That happens a lot to me.. People always leave. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either way I feel crappy and alone, either way I feel hurt and suicidal...
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Comments
The pain you're experiencing at the moment sounds really overwhelming and it's understandable you're looking for some kind of release. I'm really sorry to hear you feel so crappy and alone. I'm also glad you've posted this weekend and have felt able to post before when you just need to get something out.
Reading back on where you were last year, it sounds like you've had a realisation that while self-harm might at points help you to feel better in the moment - longer-term the impact it has on your self-esteem isn't good and so you sound keen to find other ways to manage difficult thoughts and feelings.
So in answer to your question - do I scream/punch/talk to someone? It can help to think about what kind of emotion it is you're trying to manage - are you feeling angry? Are you looking for something to soothe you? There are lots of different ways that people cope, but the right thing for you will often depend on your mood at the time. We have a list of them on TheSite - would be good to hear if there's anything particular that feels more appealing to you based on how you're feeling at the moment or if there's things you've tried before that make sense to you. Talking to family can be really difficult at the best of times so I can't see how that doesn't feel like an easy option or even an option at all right now. It would be good to hear a bit more what happened with your therapist though - it's understandable you feel let down by this experience.
There are some options that are perhaps a bit easier to turn to when you're feeling particularly low - I'm not sure if you've ever tried TESS? It's a text and email support service which runs Monday to Friday from 7pm to 9pm for girls and women aged under 25. You can text them on 0780 047 2908. In terms of your suicidal thoughts and feelings, Papyrus is a service we tend to recommend because again it's specifically for young people.
I'm also not sure if you've ever been to any of our live chats? We have general chats to give people a chance to get to know other like-minded folks if they're struggling to connect in your local neighbourhood - it's a good chance to talk about things you enjoy and remember that you're not defined by the difficult things that are going on. Equally, if you're looking for emotional support then our support sessions run 4 nights a week.
I'll leave it there for now, but do keep talking to us if you find it helps.
Sorry to hear your going through a tough time, sending *hug* s!
I'm just wondering, is there another way you could channel your emotions eg. By writing your emotions down and ripping the paper up. Or maybe something you enjoy, as a nice distraction?..... personally walks help me when I'm feeling low.
I'm here if you need to talk
sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment but be proud of how far you've come. do you like being creative? throwing,spilling,flicking or using paint can really be a good release. you can use bright colours for distraction or the colours to display your feelings and emotions. hugs x