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Living with sadness and self-hate

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I hate titles and do not have the energy or patience to try and come up with one at this moment in time, but I'm sure y'all know by now what the majority of my threads seem to be about.

Y'know what's up there with things that really hurt? Realising that nobody *really* cares about me. I can't blame them obviously. I used to go through this phase of actually trying to make people hate me but I never truly succeeded, except now it's happened without me trying to make it happen and honestly, it's fucking crap.

I would do all I can to get alcohol. I don't care how wasted I've got before, I don't care that I've put myself in risky situations or that I've nearly died. I think my love of alcohol is what has made everyone dislike me though.

I often think about the time I last went to hospital. I nearly choked on my own vomit, but I don't remember that bit because apparently I lost consciousness, but if people had left me to it then I would have died without realising in that moment. Sometimes it fills me with sadness that people didn't just leave me to it, because it sounds like it would have been simple.

I don't know what to do. It's like I've sank right to the bottom of a dark hole and I'm stuck there. It's hard living a life with such desperate sadness and extreme self-hate.

My workers try hard but I'm adamant that the majority of them are just sick to death of me because I haven't made any progress, despite how much they try their hardest to help me. I don't think my support worker hates me but she's probably not far off because she basically has to sort my life out for me at the moment. I don't want to keep putting that kind of pressure on people.

I just don't really want to try right now. Everything has gone to shit and I can't stand the feeling it leaves me with.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hear a real sense of exhaustion in your post butterfly... you sound tired. I hope you don't mind but I have added a title to your thread for you which I took from your words.

    Living with this sadness and self-hate really does sound hard work for you. You're getting support but you're starting to worry that these people don't really care and that they dislike you. That sounds stressful and upsetting for you, so it's understandable that you've reached this place of darkness where things feel really really hard.

    I wonder what might help you to find your way out of the dark hole? Can you imagine yourself living in a brighter place one day?

    It can take time to find kindness for ourselves and to shift the patterns we have become used to but as notgain says, we're right behind you and all the professionals working with you ultimately have your best interests at heart even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

    *hug*

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't reply to you guys because I had no idea what to say other than thank you. I'd like to follow on from this bit right now though.
    Jo7 wrote: »
    the professionals working with you ultimately have your best interests at heart even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

    This is bullshit. I feel so let down. I've no idea if I can trust any of them at all now so what's the point?

    My support workers colleague told my social worker something yesterday, and my social worker decided to inform a few people including the police, which I didn't even know until this morning! I didn't know she went as far as the police.

    Whilst part of me understands her concern, a bigger part of me feels seriously let down. Firstly, I'm upset because nobody spoke to me first. The rules are you inform your client before doing anything like that and not one person fucking told me anything.

    Another thing that has really gotten to me about this is that the worker who actually specialises in the thing that this is about, she straight up said I'm old enough to make my own choices - as long as I let her do safety plans with me etc. then whatever choice I make is fine.

    We did a safety plan on Monday. This worker was fine with my decision. I told my social worker nothing, but still all of this shit kicks off.

    They don't even understand it either. Whatever control any of my workers take from me, whatever decision they make for me - it effects me and nobody else. But it's like they don't even consider that.

    I feel so fucking alone. I'm so done with this shit people call support. It's difficult as hell and every time something like this happens, it knocks me quite far down. I didn't sign up for this shit. I did not engage with support to build trust that gets shattered.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Another thing - it makes me sad that I'm saying stuff like the above because I like my social worker and she's done a lot which I'm grateful for of course. I just never expected something like this to happen. I get that people have to tell someone if I've done something bad to myself or whatever but I don't like that I had one person actually telling me stuff, but then another not talking to me and going behind my back. It's mixed messages, and either way it's not fair.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I cannot fucking be bothered with anything. I want to cry. And I don't even know who I'm meant to contact now. Everyone teams up against me.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Big *hug* s butterfly

    I can sense that you are feeling rather let down by your workers at the moment! It must be very frustrating for them to not inform you before disclosing. Have you discussed this with any of your workers since - I don't think it's fair that they didn't inform you, even if they had to disclose for your safety.

    Can I ask, what support do you want from your workers? Perhaps discussing this with them, would help you make the most of the support available to you?

    Wishing you all the best!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I haven't discussed it. I'm really dreading my appointment with social worker this week because I know I'm not happy about it but at the same time I don't want to be too much of a bitch. I don't want to be a bitch at all, I'm just angry this happened.

    I want to cry but I've built up this block when it comes to crying because I hate it - so the only thing that will make me cry is if I read the letters from camhs where she talks about the abuse. But when I read them to cry, I tend to be unable to stop for hours. I don't want to cry for hours. I'm having a day where all of the negative behaviours are just pulling me in without hesitation.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Good luck for your appointment with your social worker! :)

    I think it's important that you are honest with them, but perhaps writing it down beforehand might make it easier (to word what you wish to say)?

    Sorry to hear your having a bad day, *hug* s. It's understandable that reading the letter was upsetting for you- sounds like a horrible experience!

    Hope things start to get better soon :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you've misunderstood. But there's no reason to reply anyway. I'm sick of moaning.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Sorry about misunderstanding! Good luck for the appointment :)
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