As some of you may know I had an operation last Friday. Obviously it was a planned procedure. Turns out it didn't go so well and I am so lost. I was admitted as planned at the hospital. I arrived at 7am. I went for my surgery at around 10:30am. As far as I was concerned it went well. However this wasn't the case. I had a significant bleed in my surgery and reacted badly to the anaesthetic. What should have been a simple day surgery procedure resulted in me being kept in overnight. To say that it was not a very pleasant experience is an understatement. I collapsed the next day from the pain and dizzness and regardless of this was discharged. I spent the next few days from Saturday to Thursday in a lot of pain and discomfort. I was being assured this was normal. Until on Thursday I was re-admitted to a different hospital. I have only been discharged a few hours ago. After thorough investigations, being poked and prodded with IV cannulas, and needles for many blood tests and failed attempts, (which have left me very battered and bruised) and lots of breakdowns and tears, it turns out that I was not ok at all and I have a haematoma, Following this hospital admission I also collapsed a further 2 times. During my stay I lost half a stone in weight. I just don't know what's happening.
I just don't know what is wrong with me. I really do not feel like myself anymore. Since this surgery I feel so dissociated. I don't feel right. I have lost all joy and motivation is absolutely anything that once peaked my interest. I don't want to eat, or go to the gym, or even bother with learning to drive or working or uni. I just want to disappear. Every aspect of my life is failing. I'm not happy. But I'm not allowed to complain because everyone else has it so much worse than me. I am being ungreatful for being alive. I hate myself so much. I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems like I can't talk to anyone because they think I'm making a fuss and just want attention. I just can't keep going on like this anymore but it seems like I have nowhere else to turn. I just don't want to be around anymore.
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.