Is this a bad idea?

Former Member

So about 6 months ago, my friend started encouraging me to go on a date. I've never been on a date or in a relationship. Then she asked if she could set me and a guy from her work up. She was talking about me in her work to this guy, and she thought we seemed alike.

I was very hesitant at first but I agreed to let her add us in a chat on Facebook. So I got on really well with this guy, he seemed really nice. Then he asked me out on a date, I said sorry can we just be friends as I'm not ready for dating yet. Which wasn't a lie. But to be honest I know I'd like him as a friend but I am/ wasn't sure if I liked him more, plus the thought of meeting him scared me. Plus as I had never met him, I was worried about meeting him alone.

He was really nice about it but continued to message me (and still does) every day. At first, I thought maybe he doesn't get the message but I didn't want to be rude so I replied (but tried to drag out time between replies). But I did actually like chatting to him (in a friendly way).

My friend says apparently he talked and still talks about me a lot in her work.

Then last month, my friend invited us both out (and her boyfriend) just to meet up and go to the cinema. I was reluctant at first but said yes. It was a great day out. And I think the guy is really friendly and I definitely want to be friends with him.

Thing is I'm not sure whether I like him as more than a friend or not, plus I don't feel ready for dating.

Anyways on the day out he kept on insisting on buying me things. He also insisted on waiting with me at the bus station until my bus arrived (missing his own next bus). He is a lovely, genuine guy and we got on really well (not stop talking). Plus I ended up chatting to him more than my friend (partly as she went of in conversations with her boyfriend). After this date, my friend said he was chatting about me nicely in work again.

Now he's asked me to meet up with him on Saturday. I said yes, as I'd like to be friends with him and plus I'm trying to stay busy with plans. Then my friend messages me (shortly after) saying "omg, you said yes?". She made a big fuss over it, but I was thinking so? it's just a friendly meet up.

Thing is I'm not sure, am I leading him on the wrong way. Apparently he told my friend a few months ago he's going to convince me to go on a date with him. Although in my mind it's a friendly meet up, I'm just a bit weary now. Is this a bad idea meeting up with him? I'm very confused over what I should think. I'm not sure if he's trying to get me to go on a date with him.

I need to lie to my parents as my dad probably wouldn't be comfortable with me meeting up with an almost 22 year old guy (I'm 18) that he doesn't know. My parents know nothing about him. I told them that me and my friend were meeting up with her work friend but that's it.

Former Member

Firstly, (and without trying to be rude) you need to disregard your parents' mollycoddling at this stage. At 18 you need to make up your own mind, find your own paths and boundaries in life, and you're well within your rights to stand up to them and say "actually, no" when it comes to your personal life. Listen to their opinions, yes. Let them dictate what you do and who you see, no. They might show resistance at first but they'll adjust.

Secondly, I notice you mentioned that you like him as a friend quite a lot. As okay as it is not to be ready for dating, I want to say don't be afraid to try the date because there's nothing to say it has to lead anywhere. I think part of the point of a date is that you're not committing yourself to anything and there's no obligation to do anything afterwards. You could go on a date, decide you're better off as friends, leave it there and resume friend-ness. As long as you're both on the same page with a situation like that then there's not much chance of any backlash (if you're both reasonable people). The only thing I could think of is if he finds it difficult just being friends if he wants more, but even then he might decide you're better off as friends too. You really don't know until you've explored it a tiny bit more. Furthermore, don't worry about leading him on just yet. Leading someone on is knowing full well they feel more and deliberately dragging that out knowing you're not interested (it really doesn't sound like this is the case with you), which tends not to happen early on, period.

Lastly, have you talked to him about this at all? Maybe a nice, open conversation to clear the air and get some worries etc off your chests would do you good. Sorry to pull on the cliché chord, but communication is key. It would mean you wouldn't need to be second guessing what he thinks and feels (and vice versa) and end up going down rabbit holes that you needn't. The conversation might feel a bit awkward (and even then it's only awkward if you make it so) but it would be worth it. Think of it as clearing the fog.

I don't think it is a bad idea. My advice would be to go and see what happens and make your decisions once you've had time to think about the situation and how you feel a bit more. Besides, if it's not a date to you then it isn't a date at the end of the day. Even if he wants it to be a date, that's nothing to say it is. Unless he's under the impression you think it is, of course. But that's where the usefulness of the chat comes in. Ultimately, do what you're comfortable with, but don't be afraid to explore things. You might surprise yourself!

Former Member

Dating is just hanging out with the agreed upon label to see if you click romantically. It does not mean anyone owes the other something. If you are ready to hang out with him, (because you want to be his friend), you are ready to go on a date with him and get to know him. This is the normal way of getting to know people and see if they shall remain friends or if there is more that piques your interest.

If you know from the start that you DO NOT want anything romantic with him, then I'd tell him again with more emphasis. That you like him a lot, but you don't see anything more past friendship between you both and that he should not regard your meet up as a date.

Also, trying to have a friendship with a person who has a crush on you goes awry in a lot of the cases.

Former Member

I agree with the other two.

You need to make it clear what you want from this. it's unfair on both of you for you (even if it's unintentional) to lead him on.

Former Member

I'll be honest I've had a sheltered up-bringing. And although I'm 18, independent, do what I want, parents still insist on knowing where I'm going. Especially my dad- he finds it hard to let go. Yet I still get easily influenced by my parents opinions as I don't like disappointing them and to be honest I'm get too nervous to stand up for my views with my mum. For example, tonight I gave my opinion about something simple, my mum was quick to react (they aren't used to seeing me voice my opinion, yet I still struggle a lot with this in general(for everyone, not just parents)).

Yeah I agree there's no harm in trying. I was thinking about me going on a date in general - the thought made me feel sick. In all fairness I'm a bit of a wimp! It does worry me as I don't want to be alone my full life, yet I just can't see myself ever dating or being in a relationship. This just scares me. I'm not commitment phobic but I guess I'm just a bit immature for my age in that respect.

Also I really don't know what I want these days. I only agreed to chat to this guy in the first place as my friend was pressuring me. I was really anxious straight after though. Then I though no I can do this. I just keep changing my mind. Plus I don't even know what I am these days, I went through phases of thinking I was gay,bi, straight. Currently I think I'm straight but I wouldn't be surprised if I changed my mind again. I think i could be bi, but I don't feel that way at the moment. But I also think maybe I'm asexual. I know it's contradictory, I'm just very confused.

sorry I went off from my original topic.

Anyways thanks for all the replies everyone , some good points!

It's not a date, thankfully. But I'm still convinced that he wants a date. Think it's too early to say something as I've only met him in person once, but good tips for the future!

Former Member

You know, recently I've been questioning "who am I?". Not just relationship/ dating wise but in general. I feel the need to have my whole life mapped out right now. I don't like not knowing what will happen. As I said on my other thread, the future scares me!

Former Member

Dare yourself more and try to be more independent. You will never find out what you want and where you're going if you don't try stuff out. "Sheltered" sounds like an euphemism for your upbringing. It sounds like you were belittled and not taken seriously by your parents, that your opinions and wants did not matter. I fully understand how all these new things give you anxiety and I can tell you that I - too - get anxiety when going on a first date. Probably far less that you do, but I'd never cancel a presentation in uni or a date or a job interview, just because it makes me super nervous. Facing your demons and doing what needs to be done is part of being an adult.

Go out and dare yourself more. It will help you grow.

Former Member

To be honest StrubbleS , I sometimes feel that way still. I do have a lot of independence now and my parents do give me freedom. But sometimes I feel like they can still tell me what to do eg. They say make me a coffee (When I'd much prefer they say "could you make me a coffee please?", I'm not a child anymore so I feel that's a fair request).

Also I feel like sometimes they dismiss my opinion eg. Last night, I mentioned something about not taking on extra shifts at work and my mum was quick to jump on me. Think it's cause they aren't used to me giving my opinion (I'm quite a passive person in that way but I am slowly improving).

I'm trying to gradually give myself more independence from parents eg. Not saying in going out when they are working. As my dad in particular likes to know what I'm up to (they won't stop me but still). Like last year, I was 17 and my dad panicked as I never text him "I'm on bus" (on way to school) , I did it on purpose cause I though I'm old enough now. Still I can think of a recent incident where I felt belittled by my parents, it was very deamining, basically I got treated like a child infront of others (I was mortified).

In some ways though, I'm not daring due to me being an anxious person. I tend to overthink things a lot. Guess that's something that will improve with time and experience though.

That last phrase you use "go out and dare yourself more." that gave me goosebumps. I know I don't need to take on board anyone's advice, I just wanted to say thinking about that made me feel nervous. I do agree with you though.

Former Member

Ask them, "whatever happened to please and thank you?" When they order you around. Don't let this slide. I am sure they expect the same courtesy of you. I bet they'd throw a hissy fit if you ordered them to do something for you. Quite frankly, your parents suck and sound a bit narcissistic. People are generally anxious if they are doing something for the first time (like the examples I gave, public speech, dating, etc.), but you are anxious by things that should be considered "normal" or not a big deal at your age. Idk, how old you are, but if you are in your twenties maybe thinking about moving together with a friend could help you speed up your becoming an adult, getting independence.

Your parents parenting style definitely contributed in large to your anxiety and damsel-in-distress-iness.

Good luck!

Former Member

StrubbleS wrote: »

Ask them, "whatever happened to please and thank you?" When they order you around. Don't let this slide. I am sure they expect the same courtesy of you. I bet they'd throw a hissy fit if you ordered them to do something for you. Quite frankly, your parents suck and sound a bit narcissistic. People are generally anxious if they are doing something for the first time (like the examples I gave, public speech, dating, etc.), but you are anxious by things that should be considered "normal" or not a big deal at your age. Idk, how old you are, but if you are in your twenties maybe thinking about moving together with a friend could help you speed up your becoming an adult, getting independence.

Your parents parenting style definitely contributed in large to your anxiety and damsel-in-distress-iness.

Good luck!

Don't get me wrong, my parents aren't bad people! To be honest, I'd rather they care, just sometimes they get on my nerves that way. I know that they are just being overprotective as they care, they probably find it hard as I'm their only child. Also it's probably partly my fault they do that as I said before, I'm a very passive person. I'm still discovering the real me!

Also, I didn't know it was abnormal to be anxious about dating/ relationships for the first time. Maybe it's not that common these days for people my age. I'm not sure. One of my cousins didn't have her first boyfriend until she was about 21. I just wanted to add, I do have anxiety issues (I'm working on it with CBT though).

Im 18 by the way. Maybe I'm a bit immature for my age but I do feel that I have gained a lot of independence in the past year. I got my first job just after my 17th birthday. Been working since then. I left school last year, so I'm pretty much on my own as parents work during the week.

Most of my friends (who are a similar age) still live with their parents, except those who need to live in student accommodation. Also I don't think I'm ready to move out yet, plus I've got financial security living with my parents. As although I have a job, they pay all the bills and food (parents don't charge me dig money. They say they'd rather I save up and as they didn't have to pay it when they lived with their parents). But I do pay for my additional extras with the money I earn. So I think it's better that I stay with my parents. Especially as when I start university in September I will no longer have a full time job.

Thanks for your reply!

Former Member

Right my friend (who works with the guy) is acting really weird.

She's asking me questions like what are you wearing?, are you nervous and stuff. Then I reply and she's just like I was asking in general. I think she knows something I don't know. She keeps making it a big deal, in my mind it's just a friendly meet up.

I'm confused? I don't get why she's being so strange

Former Member

I kinda can't be bothered going out tomorrow to be honest, I've just been working and want to stay in all day! I need to sort my room, and I'd like to have some alone time. Not meeting him until about lunch time but I'm up late tonight.

Former Member

Sounds like you are doing just fine then. Also university is a big change. You'll most likely love the change it brings into your life.

The only thing I can advise you with the guy thing is being as honest as possible. If you are not interested, say so, if you don't know what you want yet, say so. Tell him you are not sure what you're looking for and you'd like to keep it casual to get a feel for him/the situation. People cannot alter their expectation or behavior if they do not what you want. I found the best way is being open with what and how you are feeling about this date thingy and if the other person acknowledges what you say, but still have different expectations (e.g. you say you are just looking for a friend and he says sure and still tries to make moves on you), then you can distance yourself comfortably without having a bad feeling of leading someone on, or giving someone mixed signals. Just communicate what's on your mind.

At least this works for me well, I know some girls who prefer to leave things unsaid and want the other person to instinctively know. This way of doing things is just disadvantageous imho.

Former Member

Had a great day! We chatted a lot, went for a walk around town and had lunch.

Thing is he insisted on buying me lunch, I felt really bad! But I eventually agreed on the terms that I will buy it next time.

He's a lovely guy, overall I'm glad I went as it was a fun day out!

Former Member

apandav wrote: »

Had a great day! We chatted a lot, went for a walk around town and had lunch.

Thing is he insisted on buying me lunch, I felt really bad! But I eventually agreed on the terms that I will buy it next time.

He's a lovely guy, overall I'm glad I went as it was a fun day out!

This is great to hear. This is exactly what I meant with my explanation with what dating is. If it would have been boring, then you at least found out you are not interested and that it's ok! Dating is not the start of a relationship, it's like pre-stage, where you find out if you even WANT something to evolve out of this.

Sometimes you just have to dare yourself and be relieved in the end, than avoiding the situation all together and brooding over it afterwards.

Also the offer to buy lunch next time is great and gives you the chance to plan the next date and show him a great place you like.

Former Member

Thanks StrubbleS!

Former Member

Despite this I just worry about the future. Just don't think I can cope with being in a relationship, although I don't want to be alone my full life. It's complicated. In some ways I want to but there's stuff I don't feel I will be able to cope with in the future. This worries me. How will I ever be able to live with someone else's.... I need my space!

Former Member

Sorry I went off in a rant, but I'm in a weird mood right now!