Struggling with suicidal thoughts *could be triggering*

Former Member

Well it's been awhile since I've been on here and it hasn't been all good either. I had to take a break from this site, mainly to try to protect others from my self destruction.

My moods are up and down like a yoyo but more down of late, which is making the basic things like looking after myself, work and leaving my apartment in general very difficult.

I've been seeing somebody from the 'harm reduction team ' about my 'substance misuse' I guess I'm having a hard time admitting I have an additiction... Keep saying I have it under control, but in fact I struggle to go a day without having at least a spliff.
Must admit it has helped me a little bit as I'm no longer having my mid week binges.

I've tried to end my life several more times via od's, and you guessed it I've failed. Every time I've been in hospital I've been petrified about being sectioned that I've lied about them, saying they were accidental etc.

The last time I felt this dead inside, it was before I started abusing substances. I'm merely an empty vessel of my former self. A silhouette hiding in the deepest darkest corners of my mind and there is no escape.

It is in here I keep replaying my suicidal ideations and how not to be a failure this time.

I'm too petrified to get in contact with samaritans or papyrus.

My MH Dr is on holiday for 2 weeks and my key worker from the harm reduction team is a nightmare to get in contact with.

I can see no escape that let's the body or mind survive.

Former Member

Hi K-Dwagg,

Well done for taking a break, it's not always easy to have that awareness but it's always good to think about the limits of what a peer support community like this can offer. What we can absolutely be here for is to listen, to offer suggestions and to be there with you as you go through this really tough time.

I'm sure you're not alone in finding it hard to admit addiction, I imagine it's one of the biggest hurdles in starting to overcome it. It's good to hear you're seeing someone though, do you get on okay? What sorts of things do they help you with?

I'm really sorry to hear about your overdosing and experience of being in hospital too - it's understandable to feel afraid of being sectioned. I guess hiding the truth is a way of keeping yourself in your safety zone, where you feel in control? Opening up with complete honesty can feel risky and frightening but ultimately it can also open up doors to support that you may need. It's a hard balance.

Would you consider seeing a different doctor whilst yours is away?

Can I ask what scares you about contacting Samaritans or Papyrus? Perhaps we can use the space to work through some of those fears?

*hug*

Former Member

In regards to my key worker from the harm reduction team, I get on well with her. Open and honest. I've been keeping a journal of my day, which includes my moods, and triggers for drop in mood, my usage of drugs and also when under the influence I write how it's affecting me mentally and physically and also when I have ideations or sh urges and how I coped or didn't cope with them.
My key worker sets me targets, though I'm slow to achieve them. I also do work sheets on ways of thinking etc and reflect on how this can contribute to my decisions or rationales.
I've got a feeling she doesn't think I'm trying hard enough as she mentioned she's for referring me to other services on top with continuing with our 1:1 sessions.

I am content with waiting till my MH Dr returns, can't bear the thought of talking to even more or different people.

Due to my marked reduced performance and presence at work, I have been referred to occupational health. I had an initial telephone consultation with an OH nurse yesterday and been referred to see the oh Dr next Friday so I might even be able to get formal diagnosis on what is actually going on in my head even though I've had PTSD and ADHD branded about a few times.
I'm anxious about this as I have been telling work I've been out Ill with severe acid reflux, stomach bugs etc. But oh is writing a letter to my line manager to inform them of my complex mental health issues.
Don't exactly want work to know given the amount of stigma there is attached.

Don't want to contact samaritans again as the last few times I found their responses patronising and although papyrus have been brilliant and sent me an ambulance on my last attempt, I have a fear that I have let people down by continuing being like this. I'm also going back into denial about my mental health or its seriousness at times.

I just wish it would just go away

Former Member

Hey, I just wanted to say that I can understand that it's easy to feel like you're putting a stress on other people, but we all do sometimes. Organisations like Papyrus are there to help out. We're here to help out too It sounds like you're doing a lot of work on yourself, which is really impressive. I know it's a cliche, but try and be patient with yourself. The worksheets, 1:1 sessions, all the thought you put into things and conversations you have - all those things can take time to settle in