My partner of 8 years says there isn't a spark yet, please help

Former Member

Hi guys,

My girlfriend of 8 years has recently said she is unsure at the moment about us because there doesn't seem to be much spark left and we don't have much to talk about. We have been living together for about 5 years and both in out late twenties, she broke this news to me on Monday.

I will be the first to admit that in the past I have taken her for granted, perhaps when the realationship was a bit more one sided as she was very much in love with me and would do anything to make me happy.We have had our ups and downs over the years but always thought we would stay together. One of the lines she said was is it going to be like this for the next 20 years? I didnt know what to say.

I have said to her that obviously in a relationship over time these things can happen and we can try to work through it. She seems to want to "maybe" try but hasn;t given me clear indications.

I havn't really slept much in the past few days and really realised how much I would miss her and how much I love her.

Can you offer any advice? The thought of being without her and being alone at the moment is absolutely heartbreaking for me, I am trying to put in an effort with her at home but don't want to be too keen or over zealous as I know that can be off putting.

We are schedueled to go away this weekend to see a gig in anthother ity so I am hoping we can maybe rekindle things a bit there .

This is really stressing me out and I am struggling to concentrate at work aswell.

Thanks

YWR

SarahR

Hi Youwantromance?

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling stressed about your relationship at the moment. It sounds like what your girlfriend has said has startled you and you've been feeling scared about your future together. It could be that your girlfriend has been thinking a lot about the future as well which has led her to start questioning things and expressing her feelings to you in a way which has felt upsetting. You say she asked you about how things would be in twenty years - obviously, nobody can predict the future in this way, so it's not surprising you didn't know what to say, but it's unlikely things will stay exactly the same. It can be scary thinking about what might change, because what you both want at this point in your life won't be the same as when you got together and is likely to change again over the coming years.

There can be all kinds of reasons why someone might start questioning a relationship. Have there been any big changes in your lives recently? Sometimes moving house or changing jobs can jog things in someone's mind so that they begin to start questioning other things too, even if there previously weren't any problems. Your late twenties can be a time when people start to get married and start families together - do you think she might have started thinking along these lines? These might be things to discuss with her to try and find out how she's feeling.

Ultimately we can't change how other people feel, even when we're so close to them. If your girlfriend does decide she wants to move on, it's not likely you'll be able to change her mind which is very hard. That said, asking her how she feels and what she'd like from the relationship could be key to bringing you closer together at this time.

Good luck and let us know how things go

SarahR

Former Member

It seems whenever a physical interaction or play by any sort by myself is initiated she does not seem to welcome it at the moment. Its so weird, it has never been like this before, we have had our ups and downs but she never has give me the cold shoulder like this. Its honestly like she has completely closed herself off physically.

Here is the biggie though, I know I shouldnt have but I read through her phone when she was in the shower. . No guys seem to be involved but I did find a message trail to one of her friends.
She basically said to her friend that:

She never seems to be 100% sure anymore about us
Keeps thinking a lot recently about spllitting up/ not sure what she wants
Not sure if her heart is in it anymore
Mentioned the fact that I gave her a back rub and that im obviously "making an effort"

During this conversion, she said at the end that we will keep on trying and see what happens .

I know it was a total scumbag move, but I know where she is it. It seems that I definitely need to work on my masculinity judging by the making an effort line?

She is actually on a night out tonight with her friend so I'm sure she will be looking to get back into the single scene.


My head says tomorrow I should just tell her its over and that if she isn't 100 percent we should be apart, my heart says otherwise because I am an idiot.

I think the thing that intrigues me the most is that there were several phases in the relationship where I wanted to split from her but didnt want to hurt her, it seems maybe like the shoe is on the other foot now. I find her more attractive than ever now, I know this is because potentially I may lose her but its bugging me.

I just turned 30 years and head ideals of settling down, getting married and having kids. I'm sure she did too, infact it was only a few months ago she was all over me ( sending me texts all the time) and initiating a lot of contact