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Coincidence or Curse?
ShatteredSecrets
Posts: 186 Helping Hand
Hi guys..
I know this may sound absolutely crazy to a lot of you. I suppose I have been struggling so much these past few weeks. To be brutally honest I would say that it's mainly down to the commencing of counselling. I seemed to have gelled well with my counsellor and opened up a lot of painful issues for me, past and present. However this is not what this thread is about.
I am starting to genuinely believe that I am cursed. Within the past two weeks I have lost two people. I had spoken to these two people before they'd died. I had to find out about one of their deaths on Facebook, and the other when I woke up to find my street swarmed with Police officers. I just don't know how to feel. I know in any part of my sound mind (what's left of it) that I could not have prevented their deaths and they were just victims of tragic accidents but... I don't feel that way. I feel like because they had contact with me, they died. I feel like all I do is cause pain and misery to anybody which comes into contact with me. I have counselling tomorrow afternoon and I am seriously considering not going because I don't want anybody else to hurt because of me. I don't want these already bad things worsening even more. I'm scared that I am the reason people around me are so unhappy.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am the cause of pain and suffering in this world. I can't cope. It feels like they're hurt bc of me so I feel like I should hurt myself. I don't know. I know this may sound absolutely crazy and insane. I just want somebody to understand me
- ShatteredSecrets
I know this may sound absolutely crazy to a lot of you. I suppose I have been struggling so much these past few weeks. To be brutally honest I would say that it's mainly down to the commencing of counselling. I seemed to have gelled well with my counsellor and opened up a lot of painful issues for me, past and present. However this is not what this thread is about.
I am starting to genuinely believe that I am cursed. Within the past two weeks I have lost two people. I had spoken to these two people before they'd died. I had to find out about one of their deaths on Facebook, and the other when I woke up to find my street swarmed with Police officers. I just don't know how to feel. I know in any part of my sound mind (what's left of it) that I could not have prevented their deaths and they were just victims of tragic accidents but... I don't feel that way. I feel like because they had contact with me, they died. I feel like all I do is cause pain and misery to anybody which comes into contact with me. I have counselling tomorrow afternoon and I am seriously considering not going because I don't want anybody else to hurt because of me. I don't want these already bad things worsening even more. I'm scared that I am the reason people around me are so unhappy.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am the cause of pain and suffering in this world. I can't cope. It feels like they're hurt bc of me so I feel like I should hurt myself. I don't know. I know this may sound absolutely crazy and insane. I just want somebody to understand me
- ShatteredSecrets
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
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Comments
I'm really sorry to hear that you've lost two people in the last week. That's a massive thing to deal with, and it's not surprising that you're feeling a lot of strong feelings right now.
I thought it might be helpful for you to know that what you're feeling is more common than you might think, and that I understand. When we lose people, there are a great range of emotions which we can feel, many of which aren't rational. So, you knowing that you couldn't have done anything but also feeling that you might have been able to prevent their deaths in some way is not something you're alone in. I wonder if sometimes when things are too big and too sad to make any sense, our minds do whatever they can to find some reasons.
Please be reassured that you're not responsible for those tragic accidents, and that you can keep reaching out and asking for support without being a risk to anyone. Keep talking here, and if you want to talk to a trained bereavement volunteer, you could get in touch with Cruse Bereavement Care - they have a helpline on 0844 477 9400. They're open open Monday-Friday 9.30-5pm (excluding bank holidays), with late opening until 8pm on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings.
Very best wishes
Danny