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Change again

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Similar to my last thread, I know, but that seems to be a venting space for me nowadays and I need people.

Went to a meeting with quite a few people today and managed to stick it our for a bit even though it was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life but then when one of my workers was talking about having another similar meeting in three months time, everyone got their diaries out to plan it, and when worker said the date, my GP was like "I will have left that surgery by then".

I walked out of the meeting and told them to carry on without me, and as soon as I got out I just flopped and sobbed, and that stupid thing happened where I just couldn't stop shivering, even though it's absolutely boiling outside today. And I didn't stop sobbing until a bit after I got back to my home town. So I must have been crying for at least an hour.

My GP is someone who I trust and get along with really well, and he's leaving :( what am I supposed to do now? It took me absolutely ages to find a GP that I actually wanted to engage with.

I know I'm probably being extremely stupid and should get a grip - that's life, people leave every now and then. But I've had this GP the whole time. I had him before I got referred to crisis team, I had him when they left, I had him when all of my other workers started working with me. He's been there literally through EVERYTHING. How the hell am I supposed to cope with this? The crisis team stopping was hard enough, this is just way worse. He knows everything there is to know.

I feel so alone. It's one GP but it's like the world has just come to an awful stop. What's going to happen? And because I walked out of the meeting, support worker came out to see if I was okay, then social worker came out for a bit, then support worker came out and took me home. So I've not seen anyone else since I left the meeting, and I'm supposed to see GP tomorrow for the usual weekly appointment but what's the point? I'm bound to be a sobbing mess again so that's one issue, and then there's the fact that I feel it's totally pointless. Isn't going to all of the appointments before he does leave for good just going to make it harder when that time actually comes?

I can't deal with this. I can't. I feel like I've been completely knocked down again. And it's not fucking normal to want to get so wasted and hurt myself just because of this. I'm such a mental, stupid cow.

Comments

  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    I've been there. I know how it feels - you aren't the first person to feel like this. *hug* It truly is so hard when a care professional you trust and open up to moves on.

    Is your doctor moving to another surgery nearby? Could you move with him?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not sure where he's going, I guess I'll find out tomorrow. It makes me feel sick, and I feel like I'm massively overreacting but it really hurts :(
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey lovely :heart:

    I wish I had something helpful to say right now. I guess I just wanted to drop in, and offer you *hug*s and let you know I am here :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Please stay strong butterfly :heart: , it sounds like a difficult change but remember tomorrow is another day!

    I really hope things work out for you *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not strong. I don't understand why people keep saying I am because I know it's bullshit, and I'm not looking for reassurance there. I know I'm not strong and I accept that. I'm going to be a mess tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that because that's who I am nowadays. How can anyone think that things could ever change when I just keep getting knocked right back down again. Trying to actually recover is the most exhausting thing in the world and it seems absolutely impossible right now because slowly, people just keep leaving one by one. Everyone should just accept I'm a fuck up and stop wasting their time on me. I just wish I hadn't gone today. I wish I hadn't gone to the stupid meeting.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everything you're feeling is okay butterfly. In the last few months you have made huge strides and built relationships with professionals that you may not have been able to imagine earlier in the year - perhaps that's why people see you as strong? What you have achieved takes courage. They see someone who has really been motivated and made progress. I know that is what I see :)

    It sounds hard to find out suddenly that one of these key people in your journey is going to be leaving and that's totally understandable. It sounds like they have played a really important role in your life lately and sometimes people leaving in general can trigger difficult feelings.

    I hope the appointment goes okay and perhaps your GP can recommend a replacement, or as plugitin says, if they are moving nearby there may be a chance to continue with them. You've also shown how important it is to find a GP that you feel you connect with and can talk to - it will take some time and yes, it's tiring but you can do that again, you've shown now that you're capable of it.

    Be gentle on yourself, it's okay to feel upset about this *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just ignore me, I know I'm being pathetic. Just got back from docs appt and I'm a sobbing fucking mess again. I did so well. As soon as I went in the tears started but I kept breathing deeply and I kept them all in, then after we'd spoken about everything else and the outcome of yesterdays meeting, he said "I know you were quite upset yesterday because I'm leaving", and I just burst into tears. I'm such an idiot. I should get a fucking grip but I can't seem to. He's even there for another month so I shouldn't even be upset yet, but I am, so I fucking dread to think how I'll feel when the time actually comes. And I'm already this upset now, when the weekend is fast approaching, fuck the weekend. They're proper shit. They're like the hardest things ever. Everything can fuck off. I don't trust GP's, I don't, so I doubt I'll engage with the person who's taking over from him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jo7 wrote: »
    Everything you're feeling is okay butterfly. In the last few months you have made huge strides and built relationships with professionals that you may not have been able to imagine earlier in the year - perhaps that's why people see you as strong? What you have achieved takes courage. They see someone who has really been motivated and made progress. I know that is what I see :)

    It sounds hard to find out suddenly that one of these key people in your journey is going to be leaving and that's totally understandable. It sounds like they have played a really important role in your life lately and sometimes people leaving in general can trigger difficult feelings.

    I hope the appointment goes okay and perhaps your GP can recommend a replacement, or as plugitin says, if they are moving nearby there may be a chance to continue with them. You've also shown how important it is to find a GP that you feel you connect with and can talk to - it will take some time and yes, it's tiring but you can do that again, you've shown now that you're capable of it.

    Be gentle on yourself, it's okay to feel upset about this *hug*

    I didn't see your reply, must have been typing whilst you replied. GP said when the time comes, a woman is taking over from him and they're going to work together for a few weeks in early august to do layovers, so he said he'll be there when I meet her and he'll fill her in etc. I'm just scared because I know what I need now, and what if she is no way near the same? He knows how to deal with me, he knows what to say and when. But yeah, thanks Jojo.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not sure where he's going, I guess I'll find out tomorrow. It makes me feel sick, and I feel like I'm massively overreacting but it really hurts :(

    You're not overreacting at all. Change is scary and is so dealing with new people.

    Are there any other GPs you sometimes see who you feel comfortable with?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nope, just the GP I currently have. Left a message with someone and they're going to ask my social worker to give me a call back when she's out of meeting - so I'm going to tell her I feel like stopping with everyone. I can't keep going through massive changes like this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everyone is busy and I don't know what to do - and I'm hesitant to ring GP because I know he's leaving soon. I want to cry. Everything is just piling onto each other.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Deep breath. . .

    As Melian says, change can be really hard and it sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed. Let yourself have a cry if you need to. It's okay.

    There's no rush to make any decisions so take your time - have a good old cup of tea and allow yourself some space to think things through or take a walk to help clear your mind?

    From what you have said you have a good relationship with your GP, if you need to, do call them.

    *hug*

    P.s - it's great to hear the GP is doing handovers with the new woman, fingers crossed for that!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah okay, I'll go for a walk and sit in the torrs or something - some gorgeous views down there so it's a pretty calm place to be. I can't wait for today to be over with.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just saw my GP and discovered that he's off all of next week so I can't even ring him at all if I need to, and then the Monday after is my last appointment with him alone and then on Wednesday the woman who is taking over from him is joining so it'll be both him and her, then he leaves on that Friday. So I just rang my support worker and sobbed. I cannot cope with this. So basically I only have one more appointment with him and that's it, because I'm not going to talk when that women is there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The thought of this week is actually terrifying - and then the week after will be worse. I seriously don't think I can do this recovery thing anymore. It's like I'm giving myself reason to be upset.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm scared. I'm scared enough to need my GP and he isn't in.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tomorrow :( my appointment is at 9.20 so it's literally just going to make all day awful because I know I'll feel rubbish. My support worker is coming with me so it'll be okay to be a mess in front of her, but later on I know I'll find it difficult to update another of my workers on something because I'll just be too upset about GP leaving. It'll be another one of those days where I'll cry non-stop. I'm so scared. I don't want this coming week to happen.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    *hug* will be thinking of you tomorrow :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think I can do this. I'm not at all strong enough to deal with such a massive change on top of everything else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel sick. I actually feel sick over this. Talk about pathetic. Freaking out.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    *hug* s butterfly

    It's understandable that you feel that way butterfly, it's okay to feel the way you do. The GP that you have gained trust in is leaving- that's a big change!

    If it helps you can always post on here! I really hope things work out well for you butterfly! :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks.

    I am a sobbing mess. Social worker isn't in, support worker has an emergency where she is so can't answer, GP doesn't work on Tuesday's, other worker doesn't really deal with stuff like this. She has been amazing, literally amazing, but I feel so awful putting this shit on her. Met with alcohol worker and literally just sobbed. Cringe. I rang the doctors and said I refuse to talk to anyone else other than my GP or the specific nurse I see sometimes. Because I was sobbing, the receptionist waited on the phone with me and managed to put me through to said nurse. She spoke to me for a bit and then asked if I could go in and see her at half one. So that's good, I guess, but I literally cannot stop crying. I feel so alone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't even know why I feel alone because that's three people that have just let me moan at them. But I just feel like such a fucking let down and it hurts so, so much :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my other worker (don't wan to specify) rang me and asked if I want her to go with me to the docs. I can't understand why I'm so lucky to have someone so amazing. I'm not worth it. I'm the most horrible person alive and I have someone like that who I feel actually really does care about me. I want to die. I feel like I deserve to die,
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shit i thingk i drank too much guys. im so sotry
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I understand that it's hard to think positively when we are feeling low :heart:
    Hopefully with time you will adjust to this massive change, but as I said before it's okay to feel the way you do!

    It's good that your other worker offered to support you at your GP appointment.

    Best of luck for meeting your new GP on Wednesday(correct me if I'm wrong).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there butterfly :wave:

    It's always a bit of a hard one to deal with when we get used to someone, and they move on. I know change can be very difficult - it is for lots of people. :yes:

    Perhaps your GP could recommend who you could speak to while he is away? That might make you feel a little bit more reassured.

    It sounds like you're not too keen on his replacement, can you tell us a little bit more about that?
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