I feel like my life is just falling apart at the moment

Former Member

Hello everyone,

My name is Jessica and i literally dont know how to start off but here goes,i have recently lost two very close friends to suicide and they both were such amazing friends of mine and they both took there own lives within 2 weeks of each other, i literally dont know what to feel anymore,i just feel numb and the things i used to love like going to concerts doesn't make me happy anymore. I have started having self harm thoughts and they are really scary and i have got more and more anxious and i dont go out with friends anymore because im sort of jealous of how happy they are and in a way i feel guilty for their deaths even though i shouldn't be,i dont know if i should post it on here as it might be too sensitive to post but one of my friends shot himself and the other one took an overdose.

I have started having panic attacks and i have on average around 3 a week and also i have at least one panic attack when im trying to sleep,sort of when half awake and they are horrible and when i have them it feels like my heart is beating out of my chest,i cant breath properly and i just cry loads for around 10 minutes. i actually cant remember the last time when i got over 4 hours of sleep at night time,i just think about what could of been all the time and i just feel so incredibly un motivated,tired and miserable all the time and my friends tell me to just snap out of it but it just makes me angry,its not that easy and when i sleep i have nightmares about really bad things like a family member dying or falling really ill and i am just so wary of people around me because im just worried of getting hurt even though i know those are only stupid thoughts in my head.

Former Member

Hey Jessica, welcome to TheSite. :wave:

Really good to see you posting.

I hope it has helped you in some way getting all your thought's/feelings out.

I am so sorry to hear about your friends, that sounds very difficult for you to go through, do you have anybody you trust to get some support from, somebody you can chat to about your feelings. Could visiting your GP be helpful to you, maybe to get some extra support. You shouldn't have to go through this on your own, and there is support out there for you.

Sorry to hear about your panic attacks, TheSite have some very helpful articles on panic attacks I will link some below, hopefully they help you :thumb:

Getting to know your panic attack monster

This article just explains a bit more about how to deal with panic attacks and learning about what triggers them.

Help, I'm having a panic attack

This one is more about how you cope with a panic attack, step by step.

I hope these help.

Do you have any support in place already? to help you deal with all these things that you are going through.

Well done for posting.

We are here for you.

Former Member

Hey Jessica,

Some really good advice from BananaMonkey there - just thought I'd check in too and see how you're doing?

Former Member

I have just got back from a 1 week holiday in Cornwall and that helped me to forget for a while about everything, i haven't told my parents about how im feeling and i haven't got any kind of support either apart from calling up or talking to Childline online on a weekly basis, i just feel like i still haven't got over my two friends passing away, i like to just think it was just a dream and not reality at all but in a way i dont want to enjoy myself and be really happy because whenever i feel that way i feel guilty for feeling like that.

I would go and see my GP but i would have to tell someone else eg.my parents first because the doctors is really far away so they would have to drive me to my appointment but i am so worried about telling my parents,it feels like im stuck behind a brick wall that i will never get over because of my confidence and just nerves and not knowing how they would react.

Also, around 4 months ago i used to walk home from college after getting the bus home but the bus wouldn't reach as far as my house so i used to get off the bus around 1/4 mile from where i live in the next village and this man that got on the bus used to do the same thing and he was acting really suspiciously,like he used to offer to walk us home and he tried to hold my sisters hand and he actually gave my sister a necklace which i think she still has and after even 3 days it clicked in my head that this man is more than friendly but thank god my next door neighbour is the local community officer so i told him and he offered to meet me at the bus stop and drive me home which was very nice of him and he also had a word with the man and after 3 months he stopped acting suspiciously but to this day my next door neighbour always keeps an eye on me but now i feel incredibly anxious,nervous and worried if there is any man walking behind me who isnt my dad, i actually dont feel very safe anymore,its like that has sort of scarred me for life.

Sorry for the really long post

Former Member

Hi Jessica :wave:

It's great that this holiday helped you a bit :yes: sometimes its ok to feel happy even when sad things have happened - and its also ok to feel sad and still be grieving. Feeling guilty is a normal reaction, it's as if you're not allowed to have fun because you're supposed to be sad - but try to remember none of this is your fault and that surely your friends would want you to be happy too. If you can, have a look at our article on grieving.

Is there a particular reason you are not telling your parents about your anxiety? In my experience, opening up about this can really help calm the panics and the anxiety - as they can sometimes feel bigger when you are trying to hide them - and perhaps it would help this "stuck" feeling you described. You say your friends tell you to snap out it, which must be quite hurtful...sometimes people struggle to understand and therefore don't know how to behave in these circumstances. Telling them how you truly feel could perhaps help them understand better.

So sorry to hear about what happened with that man following you, it must've been so scary and of course it will take some time to feel safe again - but making sure your neighbour is keeping an eye on you is really good and well done for being so strong and protecting you and your sister by telling someone about it.

Do keep posting and let us know how you're doing *hug*