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GF - Finding 'evidence' to 'prove' I'm cheating...!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Having to dust off my username here..!

Hi everyone,

I have been with my gf for 3.5 years now and we live together, started a business together and I work from home, and from September we will be both home working on the business.

We used to work at the same place. My previous relationship ended and one of the other staff started going out of their way to help me 'recover' i.e. going out partying and drinking away my failed relationship, as well as introducing me to the idea of being in a same-sex something. This woman introduced me to my partner. I actually, at first, liked the woman at work and we had a flirtatious thing, but then as that developed, she turned out to have her own long-term girlfriend and my partner and I developed feelings for each other etc...

The one thing I kept from her was a text I sent to the woman I was initially seeing and we were still getting along at this time, wishing her a happy birthday. It was actually from my department at work but I didn't tell my partner and she found out after seeing a reply that appeared on my phone and this caused a whole 'You've been lying' thing. This was just under 3.5 years ago.

However, my world revolves around my partner and in recent years I've developed debilitating intermittent health issue; I don't have the time, energy or inclination to cheat.

However every 3-4 weeks, she will start coming out with things. To me, these things are insane. It's like 'A Beautiful Mind'; she'll see something, then fabricate a whole, elaborate backstory and it will eat away at her for weeks. She adds to the story too, picks up new details and incorporates them. Then 3-4 weeks in, I find out about it, although I already know the signs.

The things she notices are things like when I shave body hair, for example. She notices when I shave anything, then starts to wonder 'Why today?' then it goes from there. She even touches my body, or looks at me with a certain expression when she's assessing me and looking for clues to suggest I'm cheating on her.

She also has an unhealthy habit of tracking the movements of the woman I was briefly seeing nearly 4 years ago. As we worked in the same environment, my partner believed we were meeting in store cupboards in secret. Leaving that environment hasn't helped because she now tracks when this woman's car isn't there and I'm no longer there to track down and confirm I'm not with this woman. She's told me how she believes she comes to our home when my partner is at work. She'll then link this to me shaving my legs, and have all the evidence she needs to say it's a full-blown affair.

I'm not always the most calm person. I get frustrated and my hurt can sometimes come out angrily and she's quite sensitive so she then says I'm insensitive and she can't talk about it with me because I just get angry. But I've tread every path in my eyes; I've been calm. We even sat and talked it all out last month and said we'll work together to try and move past it and make her feel more secure...but she's not holding up her end because nothing has changed and the behaviour repeats every few weeks. It's hard to maintain my cool when I've never cheated on anyone and it's just not in my nature...but apparently she thinks it is and that I can sink to those depths.

I just feel like she doesn't trust me at all. I can't convince her of what I'm doing whilst she is not there and the constant asking 'Who has just text you?', etc... I worry for her mind, but also worry that in September when we're home together, I will have no mobility as she will question everything i.e. where I am going. I don't want to feel controlled by her insecurity. I want the right to some privacy i.e. texting my family shouldn't have to be declared.

I reassure her, comfort her, try to explain why something is the way it is but actually I'm tired of justifying the smallest things. I don't want anyone else. I've been here, at her side, every day for 3.5 years and she still doesn't trust me.

I would really like guidance as I've said that we need to get her professional help and whilst she says 'yes' she doesn't do anything. I just feel hurt all the time that she doesn't trust me, and frustrated by the answer 'I do trust you but...' because we have this repetitive cycle to prove that she evidently does not trust me at all.

Apologies for the size of the post! Advice would be great!

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tell your girlfriend in no uncertain terms that she is tanking the relationship with her insecurity issues. You tried helping but this has inflated itself reaching paranoia levels and nothing you ever do or say will be reassuring to her. She either goes counselling to deal with her insecurities or she can keep setting sail for fail in this relationship until she has ruined it beyond repair. It is not your job to cater to your GF's insecurities and the more you do the more police state this relationship will become.

    Also, not to give you wrong ideas of suggesting anything, but it is quite a common trope that people who cheat become insanely suspicious of their partner's activities. Maybe you should consider taking little peek in your GF's communications with other people and see if there's dirt.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You say you can spot the signs, it might be worth responding to the signs early on - and find out what's up at that stage. It does sound like she's insecure, and worried - but as others have said, it's not a healthy way to have a relationship. You said you'd talked about it, which is a good start. You then say she's not holding up her end because nothing has changed. If she's that insecure, then nothing will change overnight just because you talked about it - it'll take some effort from both of you.
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