Taking no for an answer?

Former Member

Hi..

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We don't have the "usual" relationship you see normally. But skipping all the waffle, it has got to the point where he wants to have sex. I've been putting it off for as long as I can, and have tried to satisfy him with everything except full intercourse. I suppose I'm writing this because I'm worried that when the time comes, I won't want to do it but will be unable to say no. I'm not scared of him, just afraid of making him mad or upset. I have tried to discuss it with him before, but he gets kinda mad and upset with me, and we end up arguing.

I guess I'm wondering if anybody had any advice on how I should approach this? or how I can make myself ready for it sooner?

- ShatteredSecrets

Former Member

If you're not ready to have sex then that's absolutely okay - it's your body and it's your choice entirely. You shouldn't have to feel pressured and you don't need to make yourself "ready sooner". I just want to make that extremely clear. If you are not ready then that is one hundred percent okay.

In terms of approaching this with your boyfriend - how have you gone about it in the past? You said you've tried to discuss it with him before so how far did that get before he got mad?

I think the best thing to do is be completely honest and as your boyfriend of three years, which is a fair bit of time, he should respect your decision. I'd also mention that you feel a bit pressured when he gets mad or upset with you about it because it might be the case that he doesn't realise the amount of stress he is putting on you.

Also, I'm not sure if you've got a specific date planned to have sex (I'm assuming that just because you said when the time comes) - but if so, it might be worth mentioning that planning it knowing you might not go through with it will most likely end up getting your boyfriend more mad or upset than usual regarding this subject. So if you're not ready, you shouldn't feel like you need to pretend to be at all.

Big hug *hug*

Former Member

If you are not ready to have sex after three years I am doubtful you'll ever be. I think you'll need to look inside yourself, either by some soul searching or by working on it with a therapist what your issue with sexual intercourse is. A few questions to consider: have you been sexually assaulted and suffer from feelings of dread when it comes to getting frisky? Do you have a physical problem with inserting things into your vagina (pain? or do you cramp and tense up?), is the thought of pregnancy scare you so much? Have you had consensual sex before or are you a virgin?

There is not much information to work with here, but if the only info I get is "I haven't been ready for sex in three years" then I would assume the problem is a bit more grave than the occasional pep talk is going to solve.

Former Member

Hey ShatteredSecrets,

Good to see you on the boards, we've met in chat

Can I ask how old you are too?

As butterfly says, not being ready for sex is absolutely okay, it's your body and you shouldn't feel pressured to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with. I wanted to drop in some links to our articles on How to say no to sex and Am I ready for sex?

If you haven't already seen them, they're worth reading. This part from the second article stood out:

Sex is a choice. It is not a compulsory subject. Whoever you’re with, it means any kind of sexual activity has to be a joint agreement – something you both consent to rather than something you are doing just because you feel you should

Let us know how you're getting on *hug*

Former Member

Hi guys, thanks for replying so quickly,

Well I'm 20, and I was sexually assaulted when I was younger. I didn't have the courage to tell anybody about it until 6 months ago. (ish). My boyfriend kinda knew about it. I told him something had happened to me as a child but he never pushed for details, he just kinda told me to forget about it and just move on. The thing is I just felt that I couldn't do that. Like I felt like I needed to talk to someone about it but it didn't seem to be an option with him. He had always been against me seeking any specialist help for any of my issues. He always wanted himself to be the person who helped me. He said that if I got help from professionals then it was me saying that he's not good enough to help me which wasn't the case at all. However, eventually when my college found out about the assault they referred me over to my local Rape Crisis centre and I had a bit of counselling through them, however I was never able to open up and explain what happened. So that ended up being a dead end. However, whilst with them I did manage to explore whether to report or not. I managed to get my boyfriend to agree to counselling because he managed to realise how bad the assault was.

On the other hand, I mean when we are together we've had the chance to do other things and I've managed to get a bit more comfortable with everything else. We met online so we don't get the chance to be physically together too often. Which in a way is good because then I don't need to worry and be on edge constantly about whether it will happen or not. I hate the way I am. I just wish I could be normal and just do it so it doesn't bother him anymore. I know it upsets him how we can't have a "normal" relationship. When we don't do things he ends up feeling like I'm not attracted to him anymore, which I am, I just don't know how to deal with intimacy sometimes. I suppose another issue with it is that I am always made to feel bad about wanting to be intimate with him. I have a lot of labels thrown on me which I don't even understand. It's like I go from sometimes thinking I'm ready and then when it comes down to it I have a complete breakdown and feel like I can't breathe and just cry. I know he would never not stop if I asked him to. I suppose it's the fear of flashing back to the assault and if somethings were to go wrong I don't think I would have the confidence to talk to him about it and would feel entirely on my own.

Thanks for the links to articles, I will take a look at them.

Sorry for my ramblings and I'm sorry if none of this makes sense.. Thanks guys..

- ShatteredSecrets

Former Member

He has to understand that sexual assault isn't the sort of thing you can't just get over.

Former Member

he just kinda told me to forget about it and just move on. The thing is I just felt that I couldn't do that. Like I felt like I needed to talk to someone about it but it didn't seem to be an option with him. He had always been against me seeking any specialist help for any of my issues. He always wanted himself to be the person who helped me.

Maybe his motives were noble, but often times a person cannot be friend and therapist all in one. A therapist is a bit like a mechanic. He opens your hood and begins his work and does so best by remaining emotionally detached from you. Like Melian said, sexual assault is not something you just gulp down and be done with it.

If it has been three years in the relationship and over a decade since the sexual assault it seems that the "waiting it out"-strategy is not working well and just sucking it up and going for it (sex) can tear up wounds and destroy a lot of the (modest) progress you made over the years. Especially if you cannot even talk about it, I simply would not recommend trying to condition yourself to have sex soon. You should go back to counselling. Simply laying it all out to your counselor may undo a knot inside you that you did not even feel anymore, because it became so normal to your identity.

Your boyfriend might have meant well, but he is not equipped to help you, as a matter of fact I think he is slightly making the problem worse. Tell him that you need to confront and work through your abuse with a specialist and then do so. I am not saying it is easy, because admitting you have a problem and attacking it is simply so much scarier than just pretending it's like the flu and will eventually blow over. Sex opens up a whole slew of new and powerful emotions inside you and I have my doubts that you can just "try and see" and not experience negative effects from it.