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Can't take it anymore

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm plummeting to rock bottom again.
I'm stressed out with work and the fact my order of recreational pills haven't arrived.
I'm anxious as I'm seeing MH Dr tomorrow.
I can't get the motivation to live another day.
I don't see the point. I'm drowning in the sea of nothingness.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm scared but tranquil and mildly excited to see the rivers of red. I feel no pain or restraint. Maybe this will be the last fight.. Who will win jekyll or Hyde.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey K-Dwagg :)

    It sounds like you are going through such a hard time of things - I wonder if you tried anything to distract you from harm at all?

    How are you doing this morning? You've got your appointment today, and I just wanted to say, I hope it goes well for you *hug*

    You mentioned you were stressed out with work, is there an option of taking steps to reduce this - maybe by letting someone know, that you are finding it a bit too much to cope with? If it's adding to your list of worries, then you should open up about it. :yes:

    I'm thinking of you - let us know how things are going x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I couldn't distract myself, I'm a mess.

    Seen the MH Dr today, I actually don't remember most of it. Barring he doesn't want to give me medication as there is a risk I'll missuse it.

    Ive been assigned a case worker from the harm reduction team (of the drugs team team I guess)! See her for the first time on Friday if I make it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your doctor and MH Adviser both came to an agreement for you to get help for the harm reduction team? Will this be able to cater for your needs then before?

    I'm sure you will be fine and this service sounds better then the last one as this is something I think you need.

    I hope it goes well and good luck.

    I'm here if you wanna talk x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If they won't give you any medication, are they offering you any talking therapy, etc?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi K-Dwagg, I just wanted to see if your feeling better today?

    I know things are hard at the moment but it will get better. Your doing really well so you should be proud of yourself.

    Remember if you ever need to talk I'm here.


    Crazy Cat x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well police and paramedics arrived at my place shortly after the first post on Wednesday as I had been on the phone to papyrus helpline.
    I'm currently spending my second night in hospital as I had cut myself and O/D.
    I have the urges to harm again but I'm not in my 'safe place', don't have any 'tools' and I don't have any spice to smoke.
    I'm feeling very wound up, even the clock ticking on the wall is passing me off.
    I'm meant to be meeting my case worker from the harm reduction team in 6 hours, looks like I'm going to miss that as I'm getting a camera stuffed down my throat later this afternoon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that's the best place for you to stay the moment as you wont be in any harm or danger. When are you going back?

    It's more important that you get better first and I'm sure when you are your case worker will be able to see you again.

    You seen the doctor yet? What have they said?

    Please keep strong and positive.

    Remember you got us x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've just got home from hospital today.

    The reality of things have just kicked in, the bloody t-shirt I got changed out of before going to A&E on the floor, the empty rum bottle and pill packets beside my bed plus stuff left behind by the paramedics like the empty casing for the infusion set etc.

    I'm surprised they let me go home tbh...I refused to eat or drink the whole time I was in.
    The duty nurse on Friday night threatened to call pysch team as I found a way to harm myself. I had to hand over the 'tool' to prevent that call being made.

    I was visited the hospitals MHLT several times, I immediately didn't like them so just told them things they wanted to hear and put on the smiley faces they wanted to see.
    I've rearranged my first meeting with the case worker when I was in, well the MHLT made me rearrange it.

    I'm such a screw up, why did I have to get in contact with papyrus.
    I'm trying to hold on to some positivity, but it's so darn difficult but also making that choice on Wednesday was also a difficult one.

    The only danger now is my knowledge that last time wasn't enough. It's difficult cleaning up after, it's not doing my mood any good.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's been a week since I OD.
    My head is still a mess.
    I met my caseworker today, it was just a general chat to work out what sort of help I need or what my aims are. I met her again next Tuesday to go through the harm reduction support.
    I felt like shit all day. I didn't even make it into work.
    Got home from seeing caseworker and spent of the day crying. I don't know why.
    I was thinking of ODing again, still have the thoughts.
    My head has been scaring me alot lately
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi K-Dwagg,

    It's good to know that your ok now and that your home. I know it must be difficult that you find it hard to concentrate when things get on top of you.

    Does sound like you still have that support system in place which is good so that if things do get bad then you got someone to turn to but you always got us.

    You just have to remember to try and be honest and open for them to try and help you. I know you dont like talking about your feelings though if you try to then you might find it will help.

    You said you haven't been at work. It's more important that you get yourself better first and I'm sure your manager will understand. Do you think it would be a good idea to get signed off from work? It's sounds like things are on top of you at the moment and it will be better for you.

    What's happened at the moment? Your ok now right?

    Please keep reaching out x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Crazy Cat x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know if it's a good thing about being home.
    I've been feeling highly suicidal this week still.
    My only stopping factor being that it was too early to go back into southmead and risk being sectioned.
    I'm sure if I was honest with the hospital MHLT last time I would have been sectioned.
    No haven't been able to go back to work yet. They think I've been having severe acid reflux which has caused bleeding in the stomach.
    Can't tell them about the depression, PTSD, legal highs or attempted suicides.

    Right now I've been drinking and taking substances, but I feel happy, mellow and safe.
    I have got the mix and ratios right the past two nights.

    Love you all.

    Thanks @CrazyCat for being here... Hugs xxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi K-Dwagg,

    I know things are hard at the moment and can't imagine what your going through.

    As you just said, you dont want to be back where you were. It shows how much you have grown and that your more aware what's going on around you.

    You wanna use this before your put in that situation again. You need to look at all the postive things what you have achieved because you have.

    Its important you keep moving forward so your improving bit by bit. Once you start making little improvements the better the situation will be.

    Do you think you maybe writing down any negative thoughts and turning it into a postive thought can help you look at those thoughts you are feeling? Would that help?

    Have you spoken to your caseworker recently? What has she suggested for you? It's good that to try and speak to her again if you can as she might help you.

    As long as your honest with her then that's all what matters. With work I suppose you don't need to tell them all the facts but it maybe telling your manager can help you not to worry about what they think. Would writing a letter to him be a good idea?

    You know it's not a good idea to do that. You may feel happy and relaxed now but it wont last. This won't help you at all and if you could speak to your caseworker and help you find ways of not jumping off the wagon again then you will see that you dont need that to make you happy.

    Im not saying everything what you know is bad is something you should avoid but you know it's not good. Maybe you could start challenging those thoughts as I said and putting into practice.

    Remember I'm here if you ever wanna talk x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi lovely, sorry you are feeling so low, I suffer with depression and sometimes feel suicidal, for me the big turning point came when I started to recognise the 'early warning signs' start, it meant I got help sooner. Before I never asked for help til I was severely depressed & wanted to end it all. I asked for help then, but the system works slow, my doctor said wait for an appointment and I said how does that help me right now from doing something? He just shrugged& that pushed me over the edge, I went home feeling helpless & toons load of tablets, thankfully I was sick as a dog after. Att the time I felt like a failure, like I couldn't even get that right.

    Now I still have bad times, but I'm on antidepressant, they take time to take affect, but they are helping - don't get me wrong, I'm still messing up my life with drink & drugs, I keep falling off the wagon, but I'm not suicidal even though my life is spiralling out of control right now.

    Please, please hang in there. You are doing so well, asking for help, I hope you get the support you need from your tram, but if you aren't, well this site seems to have some genuinely friendly, helpful, catering people on it so just keep posting, we'll all help each other through it!

    P.s. When you do feel brighter, try and find some time to do some volunteer work, even if only once, it gives you a brilliant feeling helping others in need! And you kinda feel better about yourself - well it did for me, so fingers crossed it will for you xx

    One day at a time, and if that feels to much, one hour at a time, or even one minuet! Set a small easily achievable goal of something you want to do, then do it, you may feel calmer & relaxed once you complete it.

    For me it was small things like post that letter I'd been ignoring as I didn't want to leave the house, I did it then chilled, I'd archived my goal for the day so could stop being a cow to myself and pulling myself apart mentally. I know it may sound small but you'll get through this slowly and surely,

    Loads of love and best wishes x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry I haven't been here for a while the past few weeks have been very turbulent my mood has been one heck of an emotional rollercoaster ride with more plummets than anything.

    Struggling at work. I have lost all drive.
    Struggling with cadets as I don't want to be around them when I feel so blue.
    Struggling with the skydiving as I can't get in the right head space to be safe.

    Starting to think my visits to the MH Dr is point less as I haven't had any assessments for the PTSD or diagnosis etc I want to know what's the heck is going on in my head and get the support I need when I go into crisis.

    But then I think what the heck, I've thought of an end date, got a rough plan of action in place. Just need to formalise things. If I can't get it to be near perfect I will have to abort and change the date. I really don't want to change the date.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi K-Dwagg - it's good to see you back again. Sorry to hear that things have been really tough emotionally and that your mood is plummeting. You say the word struggling a few times and it sounds like your mood is really impacting all areas of your life right now.

    Given what you have said about having a plan, I feel really concerned about you and would urge you to make an emergency appointment with your MH doctor asap and to let them know just how low you are feeling. You are a worthwhile person, you deserve to get support for these intense emotions and whilst it may be hard to imagine that they could pass and you could feel differently, that is possible with the right support.

    The hard part is that it will take a huge effort from you to stand up and ask for what you need. That can be really hard but you are entitled to it and I get the sense that you do have some drive around this when you say:
    K-Dwagg wrote:
    I want to know what's the heck is going on in my head and get the support I need when I go into crisis.

    This sounds like a reasonable and absolutely valid need to have and we're all behind you here *hug* You may have to persist and it may take time for you to find the right treatment whether that's medication, therapy or something else. You might want to say that again to yourself out loud ^^

    I also just wanted to ask if you have you ever called Papyrus before? They offer support for anyone experiencing suicidal feelings and they will listen and support you to find a way forward that is right for you. You can call, email or text their helpline: https://www.papyrus-uk.org/help-advice/about-hopelineuk

    I'm sure you know that Samaritans are also there for you - it might be worth seeing if there is a drop in near you just to have a bit of contact with someone that isn't going to judge you and where you can feel safe.

    Making contact with someone and telling them what's going on for you can be daunting but it's often our biggest fears that can lead us to the most growth in ourselves and your mental health is something that deserves attention, just as much as your physical health.

    Let us know how you'e doing and if you feel able to make an appointment with your GP.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Jo7.
    I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my MH Dr, I've been honest with him. Heck the time before last I told him I was feeling suicidal and when I was leaving all he said was try to keep safe. Needless to say I intentionally overdosed that day.
    I had been in contact with papyrus and they called the paramedics on me, hence me still being on this godforsaken planet.
    Again the last time I saw him I told him I was having more ideations and showed him sketches in my journal which I started the last time I came out of hospital.
    He's insisting I get help for the legal highs...I only do the legal highs when I want to overdose now. Barring smoking spice but even then I've been replacing that with real weed and only smoke it when really super stressed and agitated (the only thing my MH Dr has agreed with me doing).

    I'm seeing him again next week, not filled with any optimistic feelings about it.
    I get the feeling he's not interested.
    I tell him about my ideations and SH.
    I tell him I've lost all appetite and in the past 4 weeks I've only been able to force myself to eat something small on 3 separate occasions.
    I tell I'm I've lost all energy and drive to do anything, which is affected my work, ability to care for the flat and myself and keeping any social ties.

    Sorry for the whinge, but I didn't ever envisage things getting this bad despite asking for help before I got here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for sharing what's been going on - it sounds incredibly disheartening for you to be sharing so much with this GP and still not getting the support you deserve. I can understand why you're starting to question how worthwhile these appointments are. Finding a GP that you really connect with and that you feel understood by can make a real difference, I wonder, would you consider seeing a different GP? Or, is there anything you could do to prepare for this next appointment that you think might help you to get a better outcome?

    Mind infoline can help to advise you on how to get the support you need and what options you should be being offered: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

    Have you been able to confide in a close friend or family member at all of are you suffering on your own a lot of the time?

    We're here for you and whilst things feel really bleak at the moment, it is possible for things to change and for you to find that drive to enjoy life and feel motivated again. Keep talking to us *hug*

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