Worried I've Fucked Up

Former Member

I am an incredibly open and honest person, and sometimes this can be seen as a good thing and others... it's really quite bad. In the current situation I'm thinking it's a bad thing since I may have landed my partner in the shit. I was talking to my partner's mum on the phone about him, and talking about how proud I am of him that he's wanting to turn his life around considering everything that has gone on in his past. During the course of this discussion I had mentioned that my partner used to be a heroin user (he has been clean for a couple of years), thinking that his mum knew about this... Well it turns out she and her partner didn't know... And now, her partner is... very unhappy to say the least. I'm worried I've completely gone and fucked up my partner's relationship with his mum and her partner even more and am now terrified about having to tell him about this. His mum asked me not to let him know that she knew, but I felt that keeping this from him would end up hurting him even more when it all finally came out. I'm worried he's going to feel like I betrayed him, and that he won't trust me with any of his problems any more. How do I tell him my mistake and reassure him that he can trust me? I'm seriously freaking out over this as I don't want to hurt him, but it's probably going to be inevitable...

Former Member

Hi Nietzsche,
Sounds like a difficult situation. As they say, s...t happens and sometimes in spite of our best intentions we say something and it all turns out really badly. It was obviously a mistake, you didn't know that his mum was not aware of his past addiction. People make mistakes. He did, and now you made one too, he was forgiven and surely you should be too. It might be better to talk to him about this honestly - even if his mum asked you not to let him know. It's better if he hears it from you first. He may not receive it well at first but hopefully he will get to understand that it was an honest mistake.
Good luck and let us know how it went *hug*

Former Member

So I told my partner when he called me earlier, and though he's not exactly happy, it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be. He was actually more annoyed at the fact I thought he wouldn't want to see me after screwing up, and I ended up getting really emotional over it. I still have massive anxiety issues when it comes to relationships and they always resurface when I feel like I've "fucked up" and I assume everyone will abandon me. Now I just really want a hug and I can't get one until tomorrow.

Former Member

Hi Nietzsche,

Its really good that you managed to speak to your partner straight away before he heard it from anyone else.

I'm glad to hear that your partner wasn't really mad with you even though he was still annoyed. At least you told him and was honest and that's all what matters.

You might find talking about your anxiety with him can only help your relationship to be more of an a open one so if you feel like this again then your partner will know how he can help.

Also it's about helping him two and know your there for him. You know he has a problem but just making him aware that your there for him and will help him with this can make you deal with anxiety from time to time.

You might find the website anxiety uk can give you tips and advice on how to deal with your anxiety in a more controled way and with your other relationships and there's a lot on the site about communication on relationships two.

Maybe for your bf he could have a look at the website drug awarness uk for further support and have a look at anxiety uk two.

I hope that helps x

Former Member

It's largely related to my abandonment issues, I get incredibly anxious and erratic when I feel like I've upset/disappointed someone and become terrified they'll leave. It's something I still haven't quite gotten over yet, but reassurance does help massively.

Former Member

This makes sense Nietzsche - it seems like if you make a "mistake" or "fuck up" you feel like you will be abandoned - which must be really hard to feel. It's really good that you are aware of this though and also good that the person you are with now at the moment is understanding

Of course it takes time to get over these issues, and reassurance will help for sure. But it's also important to eventually be able to reassure yourself.
I saw a quote once that said "be happy for no reason, otherwise if you're happy for a reason, you're in trouble because that reason can be taken away". Don't get me wrong, Its not to say that we can't rely on people we love and trust for certain things and of course people can add many wonderful things to our lives - but being able to fullfil what we need OURSELVES is a great gift and powerful too, as no one can truly take that away :yes: