Boyfriend Won't Stick Up For Himself

Former Member

Throughout our relationship my boyfriend has repeatedly refused to stick up for himself.

Just one of numerous examples that happened a while ago... His friend James called him to tell him that he as coming to live with him. This was completely unexpected and had never been planned or even discussed. James told my bf that he was at the train station and he wanted my bf to come to him and pay for a taxi so he could get all his stuff to my bf's house. And my bf agreed, even though he was in a housing association property and having someone else staying there could have been considered a breach of his tenancy agreement. From the day that he arrived James was nothing but trouble. He would stay at my bf's house all day, smoking weed and drinking alcohol, but refused to contribute any money to rent, electricity, or even for food. We later found out that he had become homeless because he spent all his benefits on alcohol instead of rent on his own place. I lived about an hour away from my bf and he would stay at my house twice a week leaving James at his. Whilst he was out James would eat every last item of food in the house and then tell my bf to go buy more. When my bf had an early morning job interview, James came back from a night of drinking at 3am hammering on the door to wake my bf up. I couldn't understand why my bf accepted it so I talked to him about it. After this I started receiving abusive messages from James that quickly escalated into death threats. My bf responded by telling me to stay away from his house because James doesn't like me. James stayed at my bfs several months more and continued to use him. He even got into debt with drug dealers and gave them my bfs name, address and telephone number to contact for the money he owed.

Yet, even to this day, my bf says he can't understand why I think he should be angry with James.
And this is just one of numerous examples with various people.

My boyfriend is currently being used by someone he considers a friend, but it becomes an argument every time I try to talk to him about it. He tells me that I am paranoid and its all in my head, its none of my business, or that I am trying to stop him having friends. I am worried that he will get hurt or end up doing something stupid just because one of his friend has told him to. I am also worried that if he can't stick up for himself that he can't stick up for us as a couple.

I just don't understand why he lets people treat him this way, and I can't make him understand why I am concerned.
Any advice?

Former Member

James isn't a friend; he's a parasite who's nothing but trouble; he'll likely end up in prison. Does your bf have any genuine friends? If he does, point out to him what a real friend is like. If, as I suspect, he's never had any real friends, he doesn't understand what an actual friendship is like. One person constantly taking from the other is exploitation, not friendship. Your bf sounds like he's a doormat with low self-esteem who's used to being exploited and doesn't know any different.

Former Member

Perhaps your boyfriend knows something about James that you do not - possibly massive alcoholism or drug addiction problems? Just to preface, I'm not saying this justifies his behavior in any way. James, however, sounds like he is in dire need of professional support. Assuming this was the case, perhaps your boyfriend feels he cannot tell you the real details because he can't break James' trust? He may also feel too guilty to simply boot James out on the streets or give him a hard time if he is struggling so severely.

This is mostly speculation, really. I could be totally wrong! All the best, though.

Former Member

James clearly has problems with drink and drugs and is likely addicted to them. Such people can be helped it they want to quit. However, it sounds like he doesn't care about anyone and doesn't want to change - hence he's not going to go into rehab/treatment unless he's forced to by the courts.

Former Member

I am also worried that if he can't stick up for himself that he can't stick up for us as a couple.

Yes, this is something to worry and it is already happening. James is making death threats to you and your boyfriend does not kick him out a millisecond later? You are no priority to your boyfriend. Look I can accept a bit of a pushover, as in, someone whose goodwill let others take a little bit more out of his basket as they are putting back in, it is frustrating and something that definitely needs work on, but letting James leech off him, not setting any boundaries (no drinking or drugs in my home, actively looking for work, contributing with rent and utilities) and frankly putting you and him in danger (death threats, giving drug dealers your boyfriends name and address) is so incredibly wrong that I would actually strongly consider breaking up with him. Your boyfriend is playing with fire here and you shouldn't be around when the house burns down.

Former Member

Talk to your bf without anyone else around and try to make him see sense. Help him to understand that James is exploiting him and putting your lives in danger. If he won't, then you'll have to split up with him for your own safety. James' appalling behaviour will continue and worsen. He probably doesn't feel bad about the harm he's doing, so he has no incentive to improve. James is very destructive and it's likely he'll use violence against you and your bf. James knows that he can walk all over your bf and continuously take from him. James dislikes you because you can see that he's nothing but trouble. Even if your bf removes James from his life, the fact that he allows himself to be exploited means that he will likely attract more parasites like him. Your bf is probably naive and has low self-esteem - problems for which he needs help to conquer.

I knew someone who was exploited for years by a parasite like James. The parasite cost my acquaintance thousands of pounds and caused physical damage to my acquaintance's house. He also used violence against him - before he finally removed the predator from his life. Don't let such people enter your life - they will gladly bleed you dry.

Your bf prioritises James over you. He cares more about James than he does about you.