Feel unsafe and low

Former Member

Things are really bad right now, Horrible. I don't want to be alive and I'm spending everyday thinking of how I can end my life without hurting people, I have almost 9 weeks left until the clients at work leave and I have a new bunch of people, I keep telling myself hold on for them 9 more weeks then you can take your life without it affecting too many people. I wouldn't want my death to affect the clients, they've already got too much to handle and that's why they come to us.

Ellie would be 16 tomorrow, and I'm trying to pretend I'm not devastated because the truth is why should I be upset, Its my fault she ended her life, She'd be here today if I was there for her, if i didn't abandon her, if i was a proper sister and if I hadn't shown her from an early age ways to harm yourself.

I'm meeting with Anna tomorrow, I think this purely is the main reason I've somehow "become ill again" he's gotten back into my life, crept his way in and is poisoning my mind, I can't stop it, i try so hard...I'm scared he knows where I live, Where i am, where i work.....I won't tell people where i work in case he turns up...

I need to self-harm, I need to loose weight. but whats the point....I won't be around...in 9 weeks time. if not sooner.

Former Member

Hi Em,
I'm glad you've posted, it's good to get really difficult thoughts out. I also love that you care so much about your clients, you're a genuinely caring and loving person.

You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself with the mention of these nine weeks. Sometimes if life feels unmanageable perhaps the idea of a plan feels oddly relieving. Yet in reality it can actually feel easier and more manageable to take things just a day at a time rather than looking too far ahead, and if there are plans to be made, then perhaps they can be self care plans - e.g. in one week I'm going to treat myself spending some special time with y? I think in another thread I saw a mention of engagement party, is that still on the cards?

Milestones related to the people we've loved and lost are often incredibly painful. I know there's nothing I can say to take that pain away, but I did want to say something because it really sounds like you're in a lonely place and I wanted to let you know you are very much noticed.

Here's some words on grief that I often return to when I'm worried about it, thinking about just how intense it can be.

You have the power to withstand this sorrow. Any of us do, though when we are in the middle of such intense sorry - we all claim not to. We say, I couldn't go on, instead of saying we hope we won't have to.

From what you've said here, I can see how much you're suffering without your sister and the memories of your past with her - and you can?t take it anymore. But you can. And we believe in you.

As well as posting here are you in touch with any other organisations? Just a reminder about Papyrus, I know that K-dwagg mentioned calling them recently and felt it helped. Here are the details:

How can I get in touch?
Call: 0800 068 41 41
Email: pat@papyrus-uk.org
Text: 07786 209 697

When can I get in contact?
You can speak in confidence with a HOPELineUK advisor:
Weekdays: 10am -10pm
Weekends & Bank Holidays: 2pm- 5pm

Take care and let us know how it goes with Anna

Former Member

Hi Emmalee, I know things can't be easy at the moment and with everything else going on must be hard for you to.

It's ok to reach out and say how you feel.

I know there's been a lot going for you which has been said in your previous threads so it's no wonder you feel like this. You have had to do this all on your own which you should never have to be doing because someone could of been there if you think it or not. Im amazed that you have been so strong, brave and tried to stay postive in all of this. Just shows your inspirational to others who are going through the same.

There maybe something which you may find useful or willing to do but it depends what you think will help you. Thinking about keeping a realistic goals down on paper for example I can't go into work today because I feel that I'm gonna let my clients down should be instead I am going into work despite how I feel and will be there for my clients. Just making these little changes can make the difference if you arefeeling really negative at the moment. Do you think that would be a good idea? What about setting yourself realistic goals in the week and see how that turns out.

Have you ever heard of The Together Trust? They do courses once a month on self-esteem, confidence building, anxiety and depression. It's a group course and a support teacher is there to help those who are going through these issues and give them practical help and support on what they can do. Its a 12 week course I think. I did it. That something you could think about?

You could try and see your doctor about how your feeling. Maybe they can help and support as well two. Could mention this to them

Please keep reaching out x

Former Member

I have nothing helpful to say but I just want to offer you a *hug* and to let you know I'm incredibly proud of you.

It's not your fault she ended her life, I know you won't believe me and I know it's really to blame yourself during situations like this, but it really wasn't your fault.

Did you have your meeting with Anna today? How did it go?