Is he taking me for granted or am I being over-sensitive?

Former Member

Been dating my boyfriend just over a year. He has his own business and Works really hard, so is often under a lot of stress, but I also believe, he could créate some limits and control it a Little better as he finds it hard to stop (Works six days a week as a builder-landscaper) He is sucessful and although I dont know the ins and outs, I am very sure that money is not a problem. Í´ve been super understanding about this, supportive, patient about his problems with stress and physical and mental tiredness, but now, feel that I am being taken for granted. Most nights he falls asleep on the sofá early, he often calls me once a day to see how things are and will pop in to see me at home if hes free, for a cuppa, and if I´m not working, but there is very Little, if any, sexual contact. Hes good at cuddling me, holding my hand when we are on the sofá togther, but hes only twice in two years, made the initiative. I, in the beginning did it all, and that was fine, until his desire seemed to drop drastically. I tried to bring the subject up and he was very defensive and it was a very uncomfortable conversation and I know know not to bring it up because its like hitting a brick Wall. Is he depressed? I dont know? I´ve suggested going to the doctors with him in case its a physical thing, he blatantly refuses. I´ve even taken to help him out with cleaning his house for him, to help him out (as I cant help with his work) to help lower his stress levels, but now am starting to feel that he takes it for granted. Some nights I go round to see him and he´s in such an odd mood he doesnt even say hello, its hard to break the ice with him. I know he has had a hard time over his parents divorce, and is still affected by it, even though it was over 30 years ago. I am at a loss of what to do. Yesterday he was in such a bad mood i couldnt not say anything. He hurt my feelings and I calmly told him this, he replied "you do my head in" - I had done nothing wrong, if anything, i often feel i am treading on egg shells to try and keep things nice and calm for him. What should I do? We are in our early forties. live separately. Other times, he is great, its just these huge mood swings, and lack of sex. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and reply. i must add that I am a very sensitive person so pick up on small things and can take things to heart when I should ignore them? x

Former Member

I don't think he takes you for granted and yet you are not necessarily overly sensitive. He is just an very hard worker (understandably that you are not much in the mood for sex if you do tough manual labor 6 days a week) and you seem to have a lot of free time on your hands. You are just incompatible. Your complaints and demands are relatively reasonable for your normal everyday relationship, but not for someone who is in his forties and works himself crookbacked. I can sympathize with both of you. You feel neglected and he feels like you are hounding him.

What do you for your job and how many hours do you work?

Former Member

Hi Meowmix,

It sounds as if you're having a hard time with your partner. Sometimes it's really difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has a different working pattern. And of course, as you said he is overly exhausted and frustrated due to his workload.

You don't seem over-sensitive, your needs are understandable. From what you said, you're trying to support him and make him feel better but so far he didn't really want to face the problem - that the two of you does not have as much as intimacy as you would like to have.

It might be a good idea to try to talk to him again - maybe in a different way? Not only about the lack of sex, more from a 'how much quality time we spend together' perspective? Maybe he doesn't want to take you for granted, he just doesn't realise how much effort you make.

You may find that The Site is not the most suitable help for you as it's primarily for 18-25 yrs olds. If you feel that you would like to talk to someone in more depth, Relate offers a free online chat counselling for people who have issues in their relationships.

Hope it helps, let us know how you get on. Good luck!

Former Member

thanks for both your replies. I dont ever hound him, just bring the subject up occasionally (three times in one year) and I am always calm, open and kind in what I say. I work in reception of a busy hotel so i have a stressful job too, and work shifts (never nights though) I realice this site is for younger people, but I live in spain, there is no relate here, and I know for sure he wouldnt go to couples counselling, its hard enough to talk with him just the two of us (he hardly opens up) let alone with a stranger. I dont know how to move forward with this. He gets angry and wont communicate. thanks for your input.

Former Member

sorry Edina, just re read your post and saw that relate do the online counselling.. will look into that too.

Former Member

Hi meowmix,

This seems like a really hard situation for you. From your post you seem like a really good supportive girlfriend and you have tried to open up to him and speak about this many times. It can't be easy to feel like you have to walk on eggshells with the person who you are supposed to share your life with - seems a little unfair on you and it's good you are talking on here about this.

In all the times you have tried to talk, has he ever been able to open up and tell you the reasons for his behaviour? Of course all the reasons you stated will have some affect on him (working long hours, stress, parents divorce etc), but that doesn't mean its ok for him to constantly push you away. As edina says, perhaps approaching the subject in a nice relaxed environment/moment could help? If the subject is only mentioned during those times of stress or after work or around intimate moments, they could be vulnerable moments for him where he would be extra sensitive/defensive. Have a look at our article on communicating as a couple and on possible reasons for a low sex drive.

Well done for trying to understand him though. You seem to really be willing to work at this, even though you feel shut out a lot of the time. Has he always been this way? Can you notice something specific that could have change over the last year? Whether it be between you two, or just in his life. Also how is the rest of the relationship with him?

Are you able to talk to friends/family about how you feel? What do they think about it, especially if they know him?

Do let us know how you get on *hug*