Failure in a relationship

Former Member

Last time I had sex with my partner was about three months ago, Its usually only once a month, I pretend I'm fine with this, and She pretends she's not bothered by the fact I can't have sex, But we both know secretly we're both lying...

I want to have a sexual relationship with her, but It's been so long that I just don't know how to anymore, The pain during sex puts me off, and then the longer I put it off, the less I want to have it. Its weird, because when I lived in Bristol and had my own place, the pain was more bearable than it is now. but now we live with her parents, Its agony and a lot of the times its too much.

I know she wants it, she often tells me and then goes into a little 'Strop' if i say I'm not ready....How do I please her....and fix my 'thing' at the same time?

Former Member

Hi Emmalee,

Sorry to hear about this discomfort you're feeling during sex, I can imagine how annoying it must be as well as painful :banghead: It's always best to communicate with your partner on any issues you have, I'm sure she will understand how you're feeling once you open up to her.

Then if you haven't done so already I'd suggest you book an appointment your GP or pop down to a GUM/STI clinic to figure out what the physical problem is? It might not be anything too serious but you may just need to take some precautions to ensure that everything is well down there

And for pleasing your partner, have a look through these articles there are endless articles that help you on having better sex with your partner and a few tips too

Let us know how it goes x

Former Member

What AdriJ said.

I just wanna say that this isn't 'failing in a relationship'. It's just an obstacle, and obstacles are present in every relationship. You can work it through it just like anything else. Don't be hard on yourself about it.

Former Member

First of all, how does your pain during sex come to be? Is it only while something is inserted into your vagina? because if yes, why just not do that and just please your partner. I know it doesn't sound like fun, but I guess it's better than pain.

Also people have overcome vaginismus or vulvodynia. I think you should start looking for experts who actually know anything about it. This can be very time intensive and hit or miss, because it's such a broad diagnosis, but surely never being able to enjoy sex must be incentive enough?

Former Member

Hi Emmalee,

Have you tried to find out what's behind your pain? It would be useful to know whether it's a health related issue or something else, like vaginismus as Strubbles mentioned it. :chin:

It's totally understandable to experience loss of libido when sex causes pain. It's a vicious circle - when sex hurts you might be afraid to attempt it again and when you do, the stress you experience may cause pain too. Maybe talking to your partner about your feelings would lighten the pressure on both of you. :yes:

Former Member

I do have Vaginismus caused by sexual trauma.

Former Member

So what is your angle here? Do you want to overcome vaginismus or do you want to know what to tell your gf so you can stop having sex? Because I don't see the latter as a stable long-term solution.

Former Member

I want to overcome it i want to be able to have sex properly

Former Member

For the medical side, I often find NetDoctor really good on these things, and they have a page on vaginismus. This sentence struck me - "I have seen many women who have managed to defeat this condition completely, usually with the aid of a sympathetic woman doctor." It can take some trial and error to get someone really good to support you, but it can make a big difference.

You didn't say how you react when your partner wants sex and you don't feel able to. Often, when one partner wants sex and the other doesn't, a big part of the feeling is rejection. So it can help to make an extra effort to let them know that you're attracted to them and care about them and that you would really like to, you're just not able to right now.

And I just wanted to echo that you're not failing. It sounds like you're putting a lot of thought into your partner's feelings and how to make things better for you both. If you're open with her and trying your best, I'd say that's doing a relationship very well

Former Member

Hi Emmalee, this is a hard situation to be in I know.

I can completely understand where your coming from just not having that excitement or motivation anymore to do it and I know how you feel, trust me. I have been there just recently two so maybe I can help you a little bit even though im not a pro lol.

I know you said everytime you have sex with her you feel pain and it puts off the fact that theres no intimacy there no more and its not just frustrating for you but for her two.

Do you think seeing the doctor about your sexual relationship might help to improve things in that area? It could be that seeing a professional about this can help you when it gets to that point again and give you advice on what and not to do. Would that be something worth considering?

You might find this website helpful called www.brook.org.uk. They are specially trained advisers who know everything when it comes to relationships with sexual partners. That maybe something to look into two.

Remember that you shouldn't be put off the idea of having sex in the future. There maybe a number of different reasons to why you feel like this so try not to worry and speak to someone about it.

Good Luck x