Is it going to work?

Former Member

I've been in a relationship with a guy for over a month now. His last relationship was very bad and there were issues on both sides of their relationship. Things seemed to be going well with him and I was happy with the way things were going, however I recently found out he told a friend that he was using me as a distraction for suicide, I asked him about this and he explained the situation and it seemed to be resolved after discussing it. Since then he has got an apprenticeship as a tattoo artist and things were going well and nothing had been any different, except now he will be out until the early hours of the morning every night with his boss, bosses friend and an underage girl, they all go out drinking together very often and he'll come home drunk and be very difficult to talk to, he has become rather rude when speaking to me and doesn't show he cares about me.
I'm worried things may be taking a turn for the worse and this relationship will come to an end. I really need some advice on how to deal with this situation, is it just me being insecure and worrying I'm not good enough or are things not going so well?

Former Member

Hi there,

It must difficult feeling that your relationship is hitting a rough patch after starting off well. It's very hard to say whether a relationship is going to work out after just over a month, even if it's going really well. But it's understandable why you're feeling worried, especially after hearing that your boyfriend was only with you to distract himself from suicidal thoughts.

When we start a new job, we're often keen to fit in. So if there are opportunities to socialise with our colleagues, it's difficult to turn them down, for fear of being the odd one out. Perhaps this could be a reason why you're boyfriend is spending so much time going out with his colleagues.

The best way to find out about your boyfriend's change in behaviour and whether he still wants to be in a relationship is to find some time to have a proper chat. You said that when you try to talk to him when he comes in, he's too drunk to communicate with, so perhaps it would be best to try talking to him the next day when he's sobered up. Perhaps you could try meeting him for lunch or asking him to meet you after work?

Please don't worry that you're not good enough. When relationships don't work out, it's usually because the couple aren't suited to each other, rather than one person being better than the other.

If in the future your boyfriend experiences suicidal feelings again, there are a number of charities that can help. Samaritans provide 24/7 support on the phone, through text and email www.samaritans.org. CALM supports men of all ages who are feeling down or experiencing suicidal thoughts. They can be contacted over the phone or through their web chat service http://www.thecalmzone.net.

Hope this helps and get in touch again if you need to.

Former Member

No, things definitely are not going well. Your situation sounds problematic, regardless of insecurities.

You need to have a discussion with him when he is sober and in a situation where there is no anger or bad mood beforehand and lay out your issues with the relationship. Do so calmly and as non-accusatory as possible. You don't like where your relationship is going with him being out all the time getting drunk and treating you in a manner you do not approve of. You should gain new knowledge what he thinks of you and the relationship from what he says. Ideally he will take your advice on board and takes your feelings seriously, realistically he will become defensive, in the worst case it will result in a fight, gaslighting (blaming you for the shitty things he is doing), etc.

You will have to use your own discretion if you wanna put up with that, because to be honest with you, he sounds like a user. He is not with you because he loves you, but because of convenience. If the relationship brings you down and decreases the quality of your life it's not worth remaining in it.

Former Member

Hi hopeless&chasinghope, I'm sorry to hear that things sent going well for you. Your really brave talking to us on here.

I don't think it is you to be pretty honest. This sounds like its all him since day one and you blaming yourself or thinking is you isn't the truth.

There maybe some problems which he may have without you noticing when he's off out and talking to other people. I don't think you seem to notice everything what's going on only that he's been acting strange with his behaviour towards you sometimes.

You don't want to have it out with him as last time but you need to know wether it's just his problems or that he doesn't want a relationship no more and that's why.

There maybe the combination of the two but when those next happens you got to really observe everything he is doing so you could go about by having a normal day to start of with, asking how he and what he's up to, be his gf still and show care and attention and then be discrete on his actions and behaviour. You shouldn't talk to him about this yet untill your sure what it could be.

Once you have done this then hopefully you will know your answer only make sure that you don't just see how it goes one day and give up. You got to give it a couple of weeks before you notice pattern then you will know.

Remember were here if you wanna talk x