Worried about a friend

Former Member

A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend of nearly 5 years a few months ago (his decision), a couple of months later he started talking to someone new online. This new girl lives in Singapore, he's only been speaking to her for around 2 months and has now decided he wants to go over and stay with her for 3 months. I know it's not my place to interfere in anyone else's relationships but to me this seems to have happened really fast. Do you think it's worth talking to him and seeing if he'll take more time to think things through properly or should I just let him know I'll be there for him if he needed me? Could it be the ending of his relationship that's made him panic and make rash decisions?

Any advice about what I should do would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to push him away if he ends up feeling like I'm judging him.

Former Member

Hey Catseyes

I think your concerns are very valid as a friend and it's great that you are looking out for him. Without discussing this with him first, it's impossible to guage what the reasons are behind his behaviour. However, as you've rightly said, it's important to approach this in the right way so as not to make him feel judged and distance himself.

How he wants to move forward with this new relationship is his decision - after all, it could end up being a very positive experience. But maybe you could bring up your concerns for him by asking him how he feels about it rather than saying that you're worried that this may be a rash move will encourage him to open up and think about it more.

Have you spoken with him much about how he's been since the break up and how he's been dealing with it?

Former Member

Thank you for the reply. Part of my concern for him comes from how he's been feeling since the breakup, I'd spoken to him a bit last week and had mentioned that it hadn't been long since his relationship ended and asked if he felt ready to take these steps with someone new, his reply was that he felt like he needed someone and needed love in his life which to me doesn't seem like a good place for starting a new relationship but that might just be my own personal views, I know everyone feels differently about these things.

My other worry is that he hasn't taken the time to think things through long term. I asked what his plans would be if this meeting went well and he just said either he'd go and live there or she would move here. He isn't working atm and hasn't got any qualifications to transfer into a job over there. I'm not too sure of visa requirements but I don't think he'd have much of chance of getting a work visa to be able to move over there or have the financial resources to do so. Is this something I should talk to him about or am I best just stepping back and letting him work things out on his own?

Former Member

Hi Catseyes

Your concern for your friend is very understandable, especially since he may be about to make a very big decision in his life...
Some people deal with loneliness and break ups differently and talking to someone new and different could be his way of dealing with this. I think it's best that you guide him through the precautions of meeting people online and making sure that he is safe, because if this is really what he wants to do it may be hard to stop him. It's also worth bringing up all of what you said once you actually see it being taken very seriously, as you could overwhelm him and may come across unsupportive.

Former Member

It's great that you have already opened a conversation about the situation and his break up - and as you say, everyone deals differently with these things.

I agree with what AdriJ says about being careful not to overwhelm him with advice in case it pushes him away. You could try to broach this subject slowly with him, by gently voicing your concerns and and see how he responds. This may be worth doing, especially since it's evident that you worry for him very much. However, if you decide to do this, it's also worth keeping in mind that at the end of the day, it's always up to the individual what they end up choosing to do, whether it's the best course of action or not.

Former Member

Are you certain that this Singapore girl exists and is not somebody catfishing him?

It sounds that your friend is gonna make the mistake of his lifetime, but desperate people do desperate things. All you can do is talk to your friend in this - and this is important - absolute calm and non-judgmental way. If read enough stories about people getting obviously catfished and they tended to stay in denial and get mega defensive and in fighting mood than have their fantasy bubble popped.