I suffer from depression and cannot carry on living with my parent. What can I do?

Former Member

I'm 22 years old and have suffered with depression for 8 years. At the moment it has hit me severely. The main triggers and 1 of the causes is my Mum. She is very unsupportive, usympethetic and not understanding. She is a very negative person, and always treats me like I have done something wrong. I have tried to talk to her about depression and how she makes me feel but her atitiude shows she doesn't care and just tells me to 'get over it'. She tells me to go and talk to someone else as she is not an emotional person. She turned the whole thing round on herself as i tried explaining to her that she hasn't been there for me and needs to be more, but she just kept saying things like "oh here we go, anything like this I'm always pointed at, I'm a bad mother, I'm the one always in the wrong."

I moved out of my family home to live with my ex few months back, we broke up and I had to move back. She was't happy that I had to move back but I had no choice.

Its got to the point where I cannot live with her anymore. Its so hard to try and cope with depression and be positive when she is so negative to me. We aviod each other and hardly talk. I cannot work as I'm signed off with depression, But I need to move into my own place so I can create my own positive space and start to recover. What should I do? .

Former Member

Do you have any friends you can live with?

Former Member

No, I can stay at my boyfriend's but not all the time

Former Member

I completely empathise with your position and the only thing I can suggest is to try and find a stable job and look into finding your own property. If you move out and register as homeless, you can be put on the social housing list relatively quickly. Would your boyfriend mind you staying for a couple of months so that you can start looking into finding your own accomodation without your mum's negative interference? There's obviously housing benefit etc which could help towards paying for a flat.

Former Member

Hi squishyxo

It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation at the moment, knowing that it might be best for you to move away from your mother but not having a set place to go to. It sounds like you've tried to talk to your mother about it in a sensible way but you still don't feel you're getting any understanding from her about the depression. Being ill and living around someone who is unsympathetic to the illness is not an easy combination to live with.

As Nietzsche has mentioned, you may have the option of applying for housing benefit in order to try and find your own place. If you aren't feeling that you'll be able to return to work soon, you also have the option of applying for disability benefits such as Employment and Support Allowance. Your local Citizens Advice Bureau will be able to give you more advice about this. They also have an online Advice Guide with more information, including what to bring to an appointment.

It might help in the meantime if you're able to feel that you don't have to be reliant on your mum for support with your depression. Because it sounds like she triggers you quite a lot, it might be good to have some techniques for dealing with her when she makes negative comments. For example, if she says something that triggers, it may help not to rise to the bait and instead say, "I don't really feel like talking about that right now." You could also choose to leave the room or go and distract yourself with a physical activity like cooking or gardening, so there is less opportunity for her to try and rile you.

If she persists in talking to you about depression, there are lots of resources available online with information for friends, relatives and carers of people with depression. TheSite has an article here about supporting someone with a mental health problem. Mind also have extensive information about supporting people with mental health problems - here is their section specifically on supporting someone with depression. That way, if your mother starts talking about depression, you have some resources to point her to rather than be sucked into another argument.

It sounds as though you may not be able to change your mother's mind on this and getting out of the situation entirely may be very beneficial for you. However, having a few ways to protect yourself may help in the meantime until you can find somewhere else to live.

I hope this is helpful and let us know how you get on.

Former Member

This is difficult for any kind of relationship you have with family or friends but when it's a mother and daughter thing then it's impossible to see the other side to the argument when you both cant and won't agree.

I see how much this is effecting you and I have to say your mum maybe feels a bit effected by it to. I know you may think she doesn't but again you said she dont share her feelings to anyone so that's why you can't see it. I know You will proberly say well she wouldn't at all be effected by the argument only its going back to seeing the one side of it.

I know talking about how you feel to your mum won't work as you have tried that. I think you can only say the same thing over and over again to try and make a bit of a difference when it wouldn't in the end unfortunately. Have you spoken to anyone apart from your mum? A friend or a family member? Would be a good idea to get a second opinion.

You can't change someone and as you have tried talking to her then you just have to leave it as that and if the same situation comes back down to it then keep it short and say with I feel and not You make me feel as these two can make a big difference to the situation, even if she still argues then see what she says and end it as that. Can't really do no more apart from saying how you feel and not mention nothing else as this was all mentioned before.

Do you think speaking to a counsellor might help? At least it's someone you can go to when you need someone to talk to and won't judge you or anything. You might have to find out a bit more if they have groups or counselloring in your local area. What do you think about that? Also have you been to the doctor about this? If so are you still seeing them

Also when you and your mum gave the same argument or any other one then you could always go out and get away for a walk, to the shop, going to a friends, seeing another family member or into town etc. You could have some space and do anything from watching a film, listening to music, reading, cooking or talking to a friend etc. This might help when you dont know what to do and hopefully things will stay easy.

Have you thought about putting yourself on the council list? so when a place comes available you can see what it first. You could do this by going to your local council and putting yourself on the list so they can keep you informed.

You said that you don't work and are signing on. Have you spoken to the Job Centre and asked them what you can do? That might be a good idea as you want your own place and want to get a job in time because you feel you need to be on your own. What about going to The Citizens Advice Bureu for support to see if you can get shared accommodation? as you feel like you want move out right now to have some space because of everything going on or you could try The Shelter for support with getting accomdation with wanting to move out. You will have to talk to them so they can discuss this further with you. What do you think? Are you receiving JSA or anything?

I think you should think about doing that and seeing for yourself. You want to make sure that this is what you want so you can start preparing when it comes to it. You have to find out yourself wether you will find somewhere but remember that you have somewhere right now.

If you ever need to talk to anyone then The Samaritans are there to listen. They won't judge you and are there to listen.

Please keep reaching out x