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Is a big age gap a problem?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
How much of an age gap between couples is considered as 'normal'?

Because I kinda like this guy and this guy really likes me, but there's a really big age gap between us two. There's years between us..

Is it wrong to like someone so much older? Plus he works with me too, will that destroy the respect we have in our work? I'm confused and scared about what everybody would think if we ever did end up together, because whenever I end up in conversations about men being with somebody so much younger than themselves, it seems like they are in the wrong and that it's kinda frowned upon...

I've always said how I don't want a relationship, but this person makes me want to have one, but the age gap is the only thing putting me off.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you are over 18 then it's more acceptable in the eyes of the law because you're no longer a minor. If you're in a relationship and you are still classed as a minor things can get a little more complicated. Age is just a number and shouldn't effect things too much but it depends on the type of relationship and if its a safe one that is 2 sided and non manipulative. Stay safe and careful better too be safe than sorry just in case, just remeber to stay a little cautious x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I echo what Jazzmaraz said, especially the bit where she said 'as long as it is 2 sided, and not manipulative' Because that is huge...

    The fact the guy has made you feel like you want to be in a relationship even though you always was against the idea, to me, says that he is someone special that you been waiting for.

    It could be really nice, but it would help if you gave some more details.

    How much of an age gap may I ask.

    Also, why do you want to be in a relationship with him, do you have any dreams, do you think he will help you realise your dreams?

    Is it a strong physical attraction?

    When you are a kid, you can fall in love with a poster on your wall, you then grow a bit, as a teenager/young adult, for most people they are drawn by attraction only, then you grow and age a bit more, and you are looking at the whole package, 'do we really get on well together, are they a nice person with good values and morals, do they make me feel special, do they appreciate me, can they provide for me (that providence maybe emotional support, someone you can rely on, someone who genuinely makes you happy, someone who has resources (money) And it doesn't make you a gold digger if you like the fact someone can afford to go on a nice holiday now and again, it is an attractive feature. Basically, that list is endless so I will stop, my point is, as you get older you realise that beauty fades but brains last, I knew a few years ago that what I wanted in my next partner was someone who will be like my best friend. I didn't care about much else, just wanted someone who will be true and honest and a happy soul who I can grow with.

    So I wondered what you are looking for in a partner and how he matches that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What you should think about is what the age gap could represent rather than the specific number of years you might have between you. A 20 year old is likely to be vastly more mature than a 13 year old, but a 30 year old and a 40 year old are likely to be very similar in that respect. Age gaps can have different meanings depending on what the age bracket is that you're talking about.

    With age usually comes different wants from life as well such as settling down with a family; someone younger might want to travel, discover themselves a little bit, go out and party, etc etc. It's good to think about these more long term things. :)

    You say you work with him - this could either be really good for you guys or really bad. A lot of people say don't shit where you eat (as in don't work with a loved one) as it can have a negative impact on a relationship. Spending all day together in a work environment and then seeing each other outside of that too can put a lot of stress on people.

    Just one point I would emphasise is there is no rule (bar the legal ones, of course!) on what age your partner needs to be. Don't rule out a relationship with somebody or feel bad about your feelings purely because of an age gap. In that respect - screw what society thinks. ;)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok, so I'm 20, and he is 42. It's extremely big, and I'm pretty sure nobody would accept this.

    I'm pretty sure the relationship would be two sided, as he is the first person I have thought about becoming serious. I was never physically attracted to him, nor have I ever found myself crushing on anybody (not sure why that's just how I am). His personality and the fact that we love the same things is the thing that makes me go for him.

    He has already said to me "be open with me, I respect you a lot, especially as you are a woman", so this makes me think it's ok to be with him. But we are both cautious about what everyone will say.

    He is wonderful, and the fact that we both work together also scares me, so I don't know which way to fall...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm going to keep this short, as I don't really have anything constructive to say..

    If you love the person you're with and they love you, than it shouldn't really matter. My mum is 42 and my dad was 79. they we're happily married for numerous years, Until he sadly passed away, What I'm trying to say is, Don't let anyones views on age gaps get between you both.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi LottiePottie,

    As a few people noted before me - don't rule out someone just because of his age, rather think about his personality and what does he wants from life in his age.. are you in the same stage in your lives? I guess this is something that can come up as an issue later on. :chin:

    Working together might be overwhelming on a long term but some couples get along really well in their work too. Do you work on the same level or is he your manager?
    Might be worth considering how important is this job for you. Would you be happy to change if things get uncomfortable in your workplace?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi LottiePottie,

    It seems to me you could be letting other people's opinions get in the way of your happiness :confused: If you both have a mutual liking for each other and want to be together then I would advise you to go ahead. There's plenty of songs that even talk about age being nothing but a number and that is actually a fact :yes:

    I understand you feel awkward abut getting into a relationship with someone you work with, however due to the work environment it may not be wise to make it public knowledge/gossip. & I don't say that because of the age gap, I say that because it's best to keep it professional whilst at work because that could lead to other problems and hinder the progression of your relationship.

    You gotta enjoy your life and make yourself happy :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I will echo what others have said here- if he makes you happy, then go for it. I can empathise completely with your position as I was starting out in a new relationship with a much older guy just several months back and was worried that the large age gap would be an issue. It hasn't been at all and I honestly can't imagine not having this person in my life. So good luck and I hope it all pans out well for the both of you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have no idea what a 42 year old man finds within a 20 year old woman he can relate to. I am nearly 30 and have difficulty to relate to 20 year old women some time. But there are always those special cases where such things really work out, but you and only you can judge that. If you are sure he is not in it for the tight, young female body (because that one can be replaced quite effortlessly through some other 20 year old when you get older) then do what makes you happy.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's not a problem as much when ur older as when ur older people get more wiser and mature. It's up to them what they do. Not everyone can handle a relationship with a big age gap but others can. There still be others who won't like it and I'm one of them. Though I do think it's not much of a problem when ur older but if ur sensible and wise that's the most important thing.

    I dont agree with two people having a age gap when there really young as I don't think that's right because u can look on it someone grooming them or after one thing. I think if it's two years apart that's fine but more then that no.

    Have to look after ur self and ask u wether u want this. You dont want to go into it with feeling uncomfortable or anything. You have to make sure that u like the person and want to be with them. That's what u need to do.

    Seems that u do like them but the problem is the age gap. I don't think u need to tell anyone at work at the moment but think about and see what u wanna do. Have to do what makes u happy. I know not everyone will like it but ur an adult.

    Please keep reaching out x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My concern with a gap that big, is that he could possibly be taking advantage of you. Of course, that isn't exclusive to age gap relationships.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's absolutely nothing wrong with any kind of age gap - as long as you're in love. My first boyfriend was quite a lot older than me. Some people found it weird of course, but everyone got used to the idea when they realised we were serious. Do what makes you happy - that's the most important thing. *hug*
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    Cat88Cat88 Posts: 377 Listening Ear
    Hi :) Just to throw another view in, I don't think there is anything wrong with big age gaps as long as you both want the same thing. What i mean by that is - do you want children one day? does he? is his age a factor in that? or it doesn't have to be kids, could just be your travelling ambitions, career ambitions etc. I have a friend who dated a guy 18 years older (her 22, him 40) and they were an awesome couple, but he was desperate to have kids before he was too old and she was nowhere near there yet, so unfortunately it had to end as they both couldn't be happy.

    So all in all - just make sure you can both be happy (assuming obviously that there is no taking advantage on his part), if so I see no issue :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agreed to an extent but the difference is with your friend is that most people are going to accept the fact eventually that he's 40 and she's 22 because they can't say much on the matter knowing they both are grown adults. If she was 17 and he was 30 then that most people will say its wrong and he's taking advantage of her but I do think age is important.

    You want to be happy I know and you can't tell someone what to do as they will do the opposite and still do it anyway so the only thing u can do is let them know that they need to be careful and always remain safe wherever ur going. They have to make up there mind where as u can't.

    Again it's going back down to the person taking advantage of the other. They have to see this for themselves if they do because they arnt going to listen to the person who Cares about them thinking they are only complaining or having a go. You just need to let them see for themselves.

    This can be either a woman or a man who takes advantage of the other gender. I know u could say there's more men who do then women hearing about it all the time when it comes to the media etc but a man could be using a woman for only one thing and the woman could only be using the man for his money. You dont know.

    You have to stay safe no matter what x
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