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Should we be monogamous?
Danny!
Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
In a monogamous relationship, a couple agrees to only have sex with each other, and usually to having less intimacy with other people.
In modern western cultures, this is the 'normal' type of relationship. It’s so common that it’s usually taken for granted. So, if you agree that someone is now your girlfriend or boyfriend, you wouldn't also have to say "and you won't have sex with other people?".
People haven't believed in monogamy in all times and places. Mormons famously (although not much anymore) believe in men having multiple wives. Nayar women in India were traditionally allowed as many “visiting husbands” as they wished, as long as their true husband had priority when he was around. And this man argues (as people have before him), that before agriculture, all human beings were “sexual omnivores”, having sex with a variety of people as the mood took them.
In modern western cultures, this is the 'normal' type of relationship. It’s so common that it’s usually taken for granted. So, if you agree that someone is now your girlfriend or boyfriend, you wouldn't also have to say "and you won't have sex with other people?".
People haven't believed in monogamy in all times and places. Mormons famously (although not much anymore) believe in men having multiple wives. Nayar women in India were traditionally allowed as many “visiting husbands” as they wished, as long as their true husband had priority when he was around. And this man argues (as people have before him), that before agriculture, all human beings were “sexual omnivores”, having sex with a variety of people as the mood took them.
Do you think monogamy is a good thing?
Are there better alternatives?
Are there better alternatives?
0
Comments
I don't think there needs to be more relationships like this. If u compare this to a relationship like the ones in the western countries there's no way out for them because wether they did go and marry another man they wouldn't be able to share intimacy as it would go aganist there religion. I think that law being introduced here wouldn't be much of a success.
Relationship should be a Relationship. There's no difference about it. I know in some western places as mentioned above that its past of there religion mainly to marry someone and no go aganist it and that's fair enough but if it wasn't about that then I would disagree.
Suppose every country has there own rules in place.
But there are other options. Some people have causal relationships with more than one person at a time. Some people are in love with and committed to their partner, but have an open relationship where they can have sex with other people as well.
Do you think we should commit ourselves to only one person?
As u said in this country we do obey the fact that we have to stay committed otherwise it would be cheating but I know not everyone does. I suppose in other native countries they have the choice by either being with one person or being with a few but I still think that's wrong.
You have to respect ur partner like u want to be respected. That's why a relationship comes with trust and honesty. Maybe u think that all relationships that and that's right only how can u think it would be a trusted and honest relationship in another country we they can sleep with anyone
I know they may not have a choice for any reason but a relationship I think is about that.
x
It should be entirely down to personal choice. I think it should fall to societal change not to judge people who decide on being polyamorous, not for people already here to fall within societal expectations. I know of people who aren't monogamous and they're just as lovely and happy as people who are. If everyone involved in the situation is happy and consenting then I can't see any problems with open relationships.
Personally, I can't see myself ever not being monogamous. That's just the way I'm hardwired I think. That commitment to me is a big part of being in a relationship, even the sexual side. To me, at least, being in a sexual relationship goes far deeper (pun not intended) than just feeling physically good; there's the emotionally intimate side to it as well, feeling 'exposed', that element of trust that goes in to it. I've always been incredibly anxious about being physically intimate with anyone new so there's a good chance this is all down to that; being very introverted. I realise not everyone has to have such deep emotional ties with a sex life so I respect that.
I guess monogamy or not should just be your choice. Do what makes you happy!
Yeah I agree and side with Mike too. I love being in a relationship and being connected to her, its not just sex, there is a feeling I have with her before, and after sex, that special connection that makes her mine, and me hers.
My gf was in two casual relationships before we met but she had not met anyone who made her want to be in a relationship before she met me, and she stopped those physical relationships when we started and it was nice that she told me, so honest and refreshing, I did not care, she was not with me, and had needs, and like Mike says, if everyone is happy, carry on.
This made me think about the possible pressure that monogamy can put on our romantic relationships. This one person (our "boyfriend", "girlfriend", "partner", "husband", "wife") is meant to fulfil all of our sexual needs, as well as being a consistent emotional support, a friend, maybe someone who shares finances etc. Is that a lot to expect from one relationship?
I primarily think that relationships carry a lot of social pressure with it to be monogamous and only be monogamous and that one single person can provide everything you will ever need for ever and ever amen. I just don't think this is possible. We depend on a variety of people for different things and the vast majority of us will have a varied range of friends who are good at different things. There also comes periods when the single person that you are relying on for everything has troubles of their own and has less energy to spend on your needs, which can cause massive issues that wouldn't be present if you had a wider support network. Life itself is a network and needs a variety of people to sustain it.
I do think you need to be faithful and committed. I know theres other people in different countries who don't have a choice but in some countries like ours we do have a choice. Everyone is different I know and I respect that but don't u think if your partner cheated on u then u wouldn't feel like they betrayed u?
Your relationship needs to be the way u make it so if you don't want your partner to cheat then u both need to be faithful and committed and not let that happen. Theres no way to stop ur partner from cheating but these things play apart in a good relationship.
The answer to @Danny's question whether we expect too much in a relationship is no but when it comes to intimacy then I think we do but I don't think its a bad thing. That part of a relationship to have that intimacy still.
Maybe its personal choice. I don't know.
I do think there's pressure to be monogamous though. People can't really sleep with multiple people casually without getting something said about them or being labelled as a slut or some other bullshit term. Then, when you're with a partner you might feel guilty about giving a friend a good hug or pecking someone else on the cheek when really it's not needed. This could be on the extreme end of the spectrum, but still.
Thanks for your post Purple-roo, that's really interesting, I really like the idea that there are different types of monogamy (sexual, emotional etc).
I was just wondering how you work out the limits of emotional monogamy? With sex, it seems relatively simple to say that I don't have sex with anyone but my partner. But with emotions, how do you find the boundaries? Is it about not being in love with other people as well?
I really like the idea of us being part of a big network which needs a variety of people as well, as Mike says "monogamy doesn't have to mean sourcing everything you need from your partner".
Non-mOnogamy is also not.automatically cheating. Generally most non-monogamous relationships I'm aware of talk about the people/relationships outside their core duo and are aware of what's going on. You can still have cheating, when someone doesn't follow the boundaries set by the people in the relationship.
For me, as I'm not poly, yes, I want to be the only person my partner is in love with. We're a pretty new relationship, so we're not really practising the 'with options' part yet, but it's something we're both ideologically in agreement with.
Boundaries for emotional monogamy... Prioritising each other. Being in love with each other and not with any other. Choosing to share most with that partner and supporting them - much like any monogamous relationship differs from a friendship.
I do think communication and reliability is part of trust and this happens what you do and what you will say yes. I dont agree with it being more effective then nonmonogamous relationships. Your saying people who are only committed to one partner shouldn't be trusted and should rather have a nonmongamous relationship? There are lots of people stay faithful and dont cheat.
That's true that you can still have cheating in a commitment relationship but again I do still think it can look like to me it's still cheating and not being faithful in a way. That's what I think.
Same here that I am in a monogamy relationship which is far better then a nonmonogamous one because it's about having the trust, loyal and commitment there.
It's about the emotional side but physical side as well. That's what you would find in a monogamous relationship so you can still have those attachements with a monogamy relationship then just a nonmonogamous one.
All relationships, monogamous or not, are about trust. The only difference between monogamy and Non-mOnogamy is that you choose to have a relationship with either one Person or one or more PeoplE.
What I Meant by the being more effective in non-monogamous relationshipS is that people often have a greater degree of self-reflection, self-awareness and understanding of emotions and how to talk about and deal with things like jealousy because you're forced to face them head on and deal with them.
I'm all for monogamy- I'm all for choice and people being happy with what they choose, be that monogamy or Non-mOnogamy. What I'm not for is society pressures that place monogamy on a pedestal and brand everything else as cheating.
Now, personally, I would never want anything other than a monogamous relationship. Not only are you at a highly risk of contracting STIs, but I feel as though the quality of relationships would be hindered. For example, my boyfriend and I may be sexually active, but we also have a high quality relationship in an emotional sense. I think that personal connection beats hormones.
But again, that is my personal preference, and it is up to the individual in doing what he or she wants.
I think it is the societal pressures that are the most unhealthy. It is impossible to get all your emotional needs met by one person, yet the way we sell monogamy these days is as a "one true love" who's a best friend and a lover. That's not really very healthy, it's a huge burden for a relationship to take.
I guess it depends how much you tie sex to emotion, or vice versa. I wouldn't want an open relationship where someone has a romantic relationship with someone else as well as me. But with sex, I'm not so certain- it depends on the boundaries you want as a couple. And it is about deciding as a couple. Getting sex outside the relationship isn't cheating if it is transparent and agreed upon, but if there's any deceit it is.
I can understand that with a non monogamous relationship you maybe more open and honest to open up to that person who isn't your partner and let them know that there is nothing more then just an intimacy thing and wether they want that or not shows that you are honest and they can go about it there way.
Both of monogamy and non monogamy does involve trust eventhough non monogamous doesn't so much but you still have to stick with your word so if your saying there will be nothing then just intimacy then you have to stay with that otherwise you want a monogamy relationship if you start getting feelings for someone.
Does depend on the person but I do think you still need to respect each other no matter what.
I think the two do involve trust only the monogamy one I think involves more trust as you both got to be committed and trustworthy with one another. That's all I ment.
You can be unfaithful in both of monogamy and non monogamy though as I said before you would be more faithful in a monogamy one because you both are together and that's it.
CrazyCat x
And anyway, faithfulness is subjective. You're supposed to be faithful to the relationship you've created, based on the values, thoughts and ways of life that you share. Monogamy isn't required in order to be faithful.
I think even if you are someone who prefers traditional monogamy, it's important to know that it's a choice that you make, and not the only way.
I really like the idea that if you take away the norm, then you have to build the terms of a relationship with each new partner, I can see that being a really valuable part of building a healthy relationship.
I came across this video:
I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts.
Science of non-monogamy? Interesting article: http://ieet.org/index.php/IEET/more/pelletier201412281a