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Discussing pregnancy worries with partner
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
I fell pregnant with my current partner's baby only a couple of months after we were "official" and only a couple of weeks following a domestic incident. I realise now the reason I fell pregnant was the fear of losing him and I wanted a credible reason for him to be "let off" by the judicial system and to prevent him from topping himself while he was in prison (he had tried to kill himself on numerous occasions and had told me he couldn't face another jail sentence and would do himself in at the earliest opportunity if he ever went back). He was ecstatic when he learnt of my pregnancy and has said to me on several occasions that the only thing getting him through his sentence was the fact that myself and his little one were waiting for him on the outside. Now that his release date is approaching- and it looks like he's not going anywhere soon- I've began regretting my decision to have the baby more and more. I feel that since a large proportion of our relationship has been us vs the judicial system that we haven't really had the opportunity to get to know each other and flourish as a couple. Being apart from him for so long means I want to spend time just having fun with him again and a baby sort of throws a spanner in the works as it'll be a vast amount of responsibility with very little freedom to ourselves. It feels like everything is happening too quickly and there's no way for me to slow it down. I want to tell him that I don't feel ready for this baby but I don't know how to bring it up. I'm also worried he's going to hate me if I decide to give the baby up and I don't know how I'd cope if he left. I'm aware it's normal to have doubts about your pregnancy so I don't know if it's even something worth mentioning to him as I might be fine once the baby arrives. Any advice on how I should deal with this?
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So you decided to keep the baby with the man who is in jail for beating and (nearly?) raping you even though you were strongly advised against it, you know, because of the alcoholism, recreational drug use and pending homelessness because you were on your last penny.
Now you want to "flourish" with your sweetheart, but unfortunately you needed the baby so your suicidal boyfriend does not off himself.
The only side I am on now is the one on the baby's, so the thing I am going to advise is to give it up for adoption, because it just is not a good environment for a child to grow up where one or both parents are in danger of dying because of domestic violence or suicide (not speaking of the substance abuse that due to the stress of raising a toddler certainly will start again). The next thing I would do in your situation is break up with your boyfriend and get help to
a) stay off any substances
b) get mental health support
c) get a job so you can cover basic human needs for yourself and maaaaybe have a shot of escaping crippling poverty.
but you won't do any of those things. Sorry that I am not advising what you want to hear.
It does sound like you’ve got a lot of things going on – things must feel really confusing and difficult at the moment. You’re right that it’s normal to have concerns about your pregnancy, but I think that means it’s important to bring them up and deal with them. And if your partner wants to help bring up a baby, he will have to learn to communicate with you in a healthy way about both of your feelings. How you feel about your partner, having a baby, how you feel about yourself – they’re big, complicated issues. So it’s really good that you’re asking here, and I hope our responses help.
From what your write, it seems like your partner has a lot of issues, and needs looking after himself. If you do choose to take on that role, it might be worth having a think about whether you’re able to take on your partner’s problems as well as a new life? Do you have other people around like friends and family who wold be able to support you? I think that’s really important, whatever you decide.
The FPA have some useful advice here on your options, including organisations where you can go to discuss things more:
http://www.fpa.org.uk/unplanned-pregnancy-and-abortion/pregnant-and-dont-know-
what-do
And maybe, given how much you have to deal with right now, some other support such as counselling might be a good idea?
Hope you're doing OK
You're boyfriend is in Jail for what I believe is assault, How do you know he's not going to flip out on a crying baby? You can't say "He wouldn't hurt a child", Did you ever think he would hurt you? Don't keep a baby to stop someone for commiting suicide, it isn't fair on the child in anyway, Growing up to find the only reason they're their is to stop daddy ending it.
You need to look at the childs welfare....are you stable enough? Are you ready? Do you have the time, patience, money? support?
In regards to the "get a job" comment, I've tried multiple times getting back into employment- each time I've only ever been able to keep it for a few weeks due to low mood meaning I call in sick frequently or just quit. I've lost all my confidence in being able to maintain a steady job and would love to get back into employment but don't think I'll be adequately supported to do so.
I don't have many people around who would be able to provide support. My family don't want anything to do with me and my partner's family have other commitments caring for an elderly uncle. Friends always offer support but when I actually ask them for their help they're usually too busy.
The two positives I have is that homelessness is not likely to happen- I have been offered a place to stay in my partner's mum's old flat- and the fact that now my partner has been receiving regular medication while he's been in prison, his mental state has improved drastically so I feel more confident about being able to look after a child with his support. I know for a fact that the domestic incident is unlikely to ever happen again (and he was acting in self defence by the way- I did try to crack his skull with a Tia Maria bottle). It's just my poor ability to budget will mean I'd likely have to ask the landlord to wait for the repayments since a fair bit of money is being spent on travelling to visit him.
It's just these niggling doubts still remain, and I don't know if these are things which I should be genuinely concerned about or not and whether they're worth discussing with him. As I said, they could just be normal doubts and the moment the baby arrives I'd be perfectly fine.
I wouldn't put the child into care unless I knew she was going to be adopted into a loving family straight away- having been in care myself I do not want that for my child. I'd probably be looking at this baby situation in a much more positive light if I thought I would be given help and support (a break from the baby every once in a while would help eleviate the panic I'm feeling no doubt) but since I have barely any support and don't know if my partner is even going to be around for the birth. It's just fueling my anxiety.
I guess social services said "well, hold on a moment." because I can see that the system for children given up for adoption is already choke full. Making a baby is easy! There are lots of unwanted children, and people who do like children make their own.
Also, I have no idea why YOU are not in jail. I don't know what you imagine happens if you attack someone with a bottle, but it is not like in the movies. People die from that shit if the blow is hard enough. Luckily he was able to defend himself, but unluckily he had to went for jail for this.
I can only repeat myself. This baby will give you the finishing blow.
Perhaps my mood will be through the floor when I have this baby but the fault will be entirely on the mental health services if I fall apart. I asked them for support and they have refused it. I am doing the best I can at the moment, and frankly feel I have done quite well to remain this stable (at least not causing any harm to myself or my baby). The reason why I first posted was because I recognised I needed support and was wanting advice on how to bring this up with my partner and how to engage him if I do feel that keeping a baby would be too much.
Do not mistake this for "loyalty". People loyal to each other do not assault each other. This is actually quite commonly observed in violent relationships. If the police come, they suddenly shelter their SO who just threw them over the kitchen table moments ago. Or if someone 3rd butts in between a domestic dispute somewhere suddenly the violence of both is directed at the intruder. you think this will not happen again, and I hope you are right, but it won't be much longer until you experience what REAL stress and not sleeping through a night for quite some time will feel like and what that does to people's moods. People a LOT more zen then you both jumped out of their skin at their SO during the first year of baby care.
Well, excuse me, but mental health services cannot lead your life for you as if you were a puppet. You are responsible for your own well-being. I believe you that you feel you are doing your best, but "not harming yourself or the baby" is not exactly a very high set goal to achieve.
You say you've remained stable, but you either put in chat or on the boards i can't really remember where, That you had relapsed on self-harming, Believe it or not...That is causing harm to you, and causing distress to your unborn child.
What a tough situation this must be. It sounds like you're facing a range of really daunting decisions, all of which could have a pretty big impact on your life and those of your partner and baby. It's hard to imagine how scary this scale and uncertainty must feel.
Approaching him with doubts about your pregnancy must be a tough prospect, particularly seeing how enthusiastic he seems about it. It might be worth submitting a question to our relationship advisors about the best way to approach it. They'll be able to give you a personal and confidential response within a few working days.
In your first post, you said that you're increasingly regretting your decision to have a baby. Your subsequent posts seem to support that, so I get the impression that you're kind of asking 'how to engage him given I feel that keeping a baby would be too much.' Would you agree with that? (I'm making a big assumption here, so do correct me if I've mis-read things.)
Something that particularly struck me was this:
I get the impression that your relationship is the priority here. It feels like you're seeing the future in terms of the impact that the choices you're facing could have on your partner and on you as a couple. Is that fair?
For example, from what you've been saying there's a sense that the pregnancy is perhaps fueling a slight sense of mourning over what could have been:
I can completely understand the appeal of just spending time with him and building up your relationship. But it feels like you don't see this as realistic. I guess the impression I'm getting is that there are no good short term options here. Perhaps it's a case of thinking about what would be best in the mid-long term?
I do think u have a lot on ur plate which isn't something u should have to deal with alone. This can not be easy for u two? I think u would feel better if talking to ur doctor or a counseller about the problems u have at the minuite can put everything into prospective.
Also how do u feel in urself? I see the stress is taking its tool on u including the anxiety and low mood so would it help also mentioning this to ur doctor and get them to help u manage? What do u think? This a good idea
I think by concentrating on urself first is what u need so u can have a break and sort things out nearer the time. You might aswell take a break and pamper urself knowing u have done something for u. You can't do nothing else yet.
You and ur partner seem to love each other very much. I'm glad despite everything what's happened u and him are still there for each other. I see that he's been away from u so long but been there not just u but the baby. The only thing is, u need to think about wether u and ur partner will be the same again. I know now u both got a baby coming u got to be prepared on what's going to happen.
Its a good idea to talk things through with each other and say to u both how u feel with our relationship so it can work for us and the baby. The baby is the most important person in this therefore u got to do what's best for them. Even if u both can't work things out atleast u can be there for the baby. Knowing the baby will still see the dad because he always wanted to.
Hopefully u both can do what's best for the baby and also for him to respect u if u wish to give the baby a better home in the future. You got to really think about this cuz u may not be able to go back if u want them to be adopted.
Good Luck and were here if u wanna talk x
I do think that some of the comments made here are slightly ablist. It feels like a couple of you may believe I should just "get over it", but honestly, telling someone with a mental health condition to simply "get over it" is like telling someone with cancer to "cure yourself". It really isn't that simple, and I'd appreciate it if you'd try empathising even if you think I'm being irrational or irresponsible. It doesn't hurt to be kind.
James- Firstly, thank you for being considerate in your responses. My feelings over the baby flip quite reguarly so I couldn't honestly tell you what I feel. Sometimes I couldn't imagine giving her up and other times I think I won't be able to even look at her, let alone care for her. I don't know if my inability to think clearly at the moment is due to hormones, stress or low mood. As a last resort, I feel I should be considering adoption if it means it'll be better for myself and my baby but deep down I don't think I want that.
As I just mentioned, I do feel myself becoming increasingly unstable and I feel at a loss at how to get it back under control by myself. I definitely agree with your comment about me being in mourning for "what could have been" with my relationship and I don't know how best to deal with that. I feel that perhaps once my partner is out of prison I'll be a lot more secure in myself because I'll have my main pillar of support back but because I rely on him so much, I fear the strain of the baby and me will cause me to lose him. He has been the main person to encourage me to leave the house etc when I haven't been doing great and I actually don't know how exactly to cope on a long term scale without him. Again, this comes back to me requiring some professional assistance maybe but since that isn't an option, how can I go back to making myself more self relient so that I can cope with a baby and feel confident in being able to face life's challenges wihout him?
Crazy Cat- Again, thanks for being considerate in your responses, having some supportive words does help immensely. As I've previously mentioned, doctors (or at least psychiatrists) have proven to be pretty useless. The CPN I'm currently seeing via the social services has been much more supportive, but obviously how much of this is just to probe for weaknesses.. I'm not sure. I'm worried that being completely honest with any one connected to the social services will mean that the choice of keeping the baby will just be taken from me as they'll just decide I'm useless and so take her away.
I'd like to believe my partner and I's relationship will remain as strong as ever, but as I said above to James- I'm worried that the strain of supporting me and a baby will mean I will lose him. I also don't want him to hate me if I feel that giving the baby up will need to be an option. I am going to talk to him about it when I next see him, but it's more a waiting game really 'cause I have no idea how stable I will be in a few months time. Everything could just click into place and this will have all been worrying for nothing. At the moment, I do appreciate being able to just talk out these concerns with others, because getting this information off my chest has been helping.
So yeah, thank you.
Im glad that the CPN has been more of a support towards u. Atleast the help and the support ur receiving is working. I wouldn't give up on seeing the doctor just yet but as u said if they arnt really helping then could u ask them to refer u to see a counseller for the time being or another service?
I know u have the CPN which is good but could having a bit more support u know will be more beneficial try to move forward more postively? When did u say u see the CPN? Im not sure how often u see them.
Do u have anyone like family or friends around u at the moment? Could talking to them one to one give u a bit more stability in terms of helping u to cope and when the baby comes? I feel like u dont have anyone there for u right now who u can talk to so that's why I thought speaking to family or friends might do that.
Its up to u what u discuss with social services as its only ur business and not other people's. I do think u need to be honest with them if theres any worries or concerns u have but then u dont wanna be completely open to know that u can't look after ur baby. I think ur right there and that's why that should be left to u to think about.
Also u got to understand what ur gonna let urself in for when the time comes and ur partner is out of prison and u have had the baby. You need to think about what will be best for the baby. I do think u need to have that conversation with ur partner and im glad u said that because ur asking someone else for a second opinion then doing what u wanna do without holding on and waiting first. I also think its really nice to know that ur partner will be there for u and the baby and I see the baby means a lot to him just as it does with u. Hopefully when he gets out of the prison u both can work things out and try again. Remember that u got to look after urself and especially the baby. You have always put other first and u should put urself first.
One more thing, I believe that u will be a good mother despite what choice u make. You would of done it for all the right reasons. I know u will look after the baby and ur partner will whatever the best choice u make and having u two supporting each other shows u still have something but please don't feel like u have to stay in that relationship. There could be no going back and he needs to understand that. I hope he treats u well if u do go back with him. You deserve to be happy.
I'm here if u ever wanna talk
Hugs x
So I discussed all my concerns with the CPN who seems to believe it is just a "wobble" which is quite common in pregnancy. She said that I may be the complete opposite of how I'm feeling at the moment when the baby arrives and will be more than capable of looking after a child. However, she did say I need to decide within myself whether I am genuinely committed towards staying away from alcohol and drugs when the baby's born, in which case I have said to her I would rather the baby be safe with someone in care. At the moment, I have only been thinking about how my partner would cope and haven't thought about how my partner's mother (so the baby's grandmother) would feel if I moved into he home and then simply decided to give up the baby. So I now realise that a roof over my head is not actually as secure as I thought it was.
I also realise that if I do decide to give up the child it'll likely be the end of my partner and I's relationship as well. I tried to bring up my worries about slipping back into alcohol and substance misuse with him and he simply said "I won't let you do that", so it's clear his priority will be the baby over me- which is good to be honest as the baby needs a dedicated Dad. I'm building up to telling him that I've considered adoption for the baby, but haven't quite got there yet. I've been making vague hints because I obviously don't want to upset or lose him, but I feel it's likely to happen once I manage to muster the courage to tell him.
All in all, I'm feeling pretty pessimistic about the future. I'm seeing myself as ending up alone, homeless and completely back off the rails with alcohol again. I think I deserve to remain like that to be honest. Nobody should have to put up with me. I'm hoping I'll soon find the bottle to just end it all so I can stop being a burden on the tax payer and those around me.
Your CPN I think was right to ask u those questions at the time because not only does she not want u to fall back on the bottle and start taking drugs again but to know that ur able to cope, ur bf is there providing and the baby is in safe hands. Does sound like she wants u to be certain on ur desicon so when the time comes u would of made up ur mind for urself. Again this has to be ur descion and no one elses.
There maybe any reason to why ur feeling like this and I may not understand as a non mother what ur going through but I do think ur CPN knows what would be best for u even though ur not sure urself to do. Has there been any further discussions with the support service ur recieving etc?
Have u gone back to ur doctor for help in ways to cope or a counseller? Maybe asking for some advice on how u could cope might help for the time being.
I dont think u need to worry about what if just yet when u need to put urself first without having the stress right now. You want to continue with what ur doing at the moment and then when the baby arrives u can start sorting things out. I know ur only other people's good intentions but what about urs? It's not fair on u.
However, going back to what I said about having other peoples best intentions at heart. I do think ur parents mother doesn't really have a say in this as for one ur the person who is the mother of ur child, two I think ur be does have his mind so his mum should try back off a bit and three it's up to u and ur bf and no one else. Yh u may be living under her roof but couldn't u stay at ur parents whilst this would be going on and ur bf coming to urs now and again to see the baby?
Also u don't know wether or not ur bf will stay be together if u decide u dont want the baby. Your bf might respect ur choice for whatever reason and support u and the baby whilst under going the adoption process. At the moment u both seem to be fine so again I dont think u need to worry just yet but if he doesn't want to stay with u due to the fact u have put u and his baby in care then as u said he will still be a good dad towards his baby.
I do think fairly soon u need to have this conversation with him. I think he would respect u more if u did and work out a plan for u both. This can't be easy for u either and I understand that also, it's just living with this day everyday must make u want to come out with it sooner rather then later. Do u think or?
One last thing is, don't say u deserve to be punished because u feel like u did a bad thing by giving up on ur child. You wouldn't of done! You did what u thought was best and that doesn't mean at all u should be on ur own, feel depressed and fall off the wagon. That's not true and u should realise that non of us would think that.
Please keep letting us know what's going on and we can help u x
As previously mentioned, I'm not on speaking terms with my mother so I wouldn't be able to move into my parents home. Also my mum doesn't like my partner so he would be prevented from going there to see his kid, which is less than ideal. Again, as I mentioned, I'm not receiving any other support at this time as they do not believe it is necessary for me.
On the plus side, my partner has been a bit more reassuring, but I still haven't openly said the words "I've thought about adoption" but he's been able to calm me down when I've been saying he'll hate me soon and won't want to be around me. I'm just going to have to wait until he's back in my life and see how I'm feeling because it definitely isn't the best time to discuss things while he's in prison.
I thought u and ur mum were ok but didn't know u two don't get on. That been ever since u met ur bf? I thought maybe u could move in with her as u dont get on with ur bfs mum as u said. Would be a good idea to find temporary accommodation when it comes to it.
You said ur not receiving any support. Whys that? You should be able to? I know u said about the CPN so that's still support I'm sure. You could think about going to the doctors and seeing if they can help u
What do u think?
It's good to hear that ur bf is being supportive but I don't understand he won't be if u put ur baby in adoption? I don't understand. You have to see what happens. Remember u got us if u ever need to talk x
Please keep reaching out
G
The consultant just feels that because I'm able to prevent myself from engaging in self destructive behaviours and that I'm not in any immediate danger to myself, that I don't need to access their services. It's very much "it may be shit, but you can cope with it being shit" sort of thing.
I think it's because his ex partner went off the rails on the drink and as a result his son was put into care- he absolutely hates her now and I'm worried he'll eventually just see me as being the same as her and so will hate me.
You should still recieve support though. I don't understand that as it getting support from the CPN arnt u?
There's this site I think called net mums and it's for those who have children and want to get support from an online community. They are all in the same boat and understand what ur going through. Have u looked on there
I can understand shes trying to look out for u and that's her being a mum. Though she dont know that u will be. You have to make ur own decisions as ur an adult and should be able to. I know u and ur mum don't get on but hopefully in time u will
Have u seen ur bf? What's he saying? You got to do what's best for u and when the time comes u can do that.
I hope that helps x
Just wanted to pop by to offer you *hug*s
Look, rearing children is no child's play (wow, I came up with that myself!) and it's just that the odds are extremely stacked against you. you are not particularly stable, you have no support from your parents etc etc. It is already stressful for parents who are very well prepared. Nobody says that you cannot have children at a later date when you feel more ready and have additional resources at your disposal. You are extremely articulate and if nothing else it at least says to me that you are intelligent. I don't think you are where you are now because you are stupid, but because life dealt you a bad hand and maybe you made some unwise choices. I think you are just trying to do too much, like building a house in the midst of a forest fire. Evacuate first and rebuild later.
Only you had to really make that choice for yourself. I know it can not be easy for your partner but I do think with you being the one carrying the baby and maybe him not wanting to be with you anymore shows it was right for you to make that choice.
Now you know what your going to do you may need time for yourself to a just so when it comes to you having the baby you will have a clear mind and be prepared for what it will take to put the proceedings in place.
Please dont say your a bad mother. You never were when you first fell pregrant because you didn't know where you were at the time when things happened quickly so you shouldn't blame yourself. This isn't your fault or anyone's.
Maybe in the future you may want to have another child or adopt as you can still go about doing that. There's nothing what's stopping you, I know you may think I dont deserve to have children but you just said your not the only one this has happened to so dont blame yourself.
Remember you will still have your friends and family.
Please keep reaching out x
What he said.
Just from what I know of you, don't rule out parenting altogether. I think you've got potential to be an amazing parent. But as Strubs said, it just seems like a bad time and a bad situation. I think you're on the right track with your current predicament though.
The only issue I have now is the fact the CPN has sent me to an alcohol prevention service for having a couple of drinks during my pregnancy (small smounts may I add- it's been 2-3 units every once in a while). She seems concerned that I want to take a night off each week from the baby and has been providing horror stories about how mothers have accidentally killed their children 'cause they came home drunk from a night out but this isn't what I have planned. I never intend to be anywhere near my child under the influence of alcohol/drugs and would rather wait until she was at her gran's for the night so I know she'd be safe. Surely I'm not asking much to have that one day to myself where I can relax with my partner? She's implying that if I so much as look at alcohol/cannabis again that they'll take Amelie off me which I feel is incredibly unfair as I know many mothers take time away from their baby to unwind in whatever manner they choose to. It's actually because of the CPN's judgements that I've been thinking I'm not capable to be a mum because I'm wanting that space, but the more I talk about this with other people, the more confident I feel that I can have this and it not impact negatively on Amelie. It's also making me more and more angry at the CPN and now I don't want to talk to her any more.