Parents wanting me to move back up north

Former Member

I don't feel very close to my parents, and I moved out pretty much as soon as I could when I was 18.

Increasingly now whenever I go home to visit for a few days, my dad often talks about me getting a place near them and moving back up north. When I leave I'm made to feel guilty because he tells me how long he's been looking forward to seeing me and how much he's enjoyed having me home (I'm sure he isn't intentionally guilt-tripping me, I know for certain he misses me a lot though). I know since my Grandad died he's had a big hole in his life and isn't really sure how to fill it, and when he brings it up I don't know how to respond. We've never really talked about anything like that before, even when I lived at home. We all went about our lives in a compartmentalised fashion. And because of this, now, I feel he misses me more than ever - and I know I fear not seeing my parents enough before they die (which is admittedly a bit morbid).

I'm happy enough where I live now, living the life I do - some parts aren't perfect but I prefer being in this area of the country because it puts me in a great location for seeing friends on weekends and getting around. I really wouldn't want to move back because I think sometimes the places would be too upsetting for me, with too many memories (though it is less of a struggle now than it used to be).

Ideally I'd like to maybe see my parents slightly more, but they refuse to come down to see me because "it's too far to go in one day" (it is about a 2 hour drive each way providing the motorways aren't hell) so it's always up to me to go up there - and managing this less than every 6 weeks is quite difficult because of us all having commitments. I don't hugely miss my parents when I'm down here and I don't know whether I'm being selfish by that - I'm just really very independent and don't miss *anyone* whether they are my parents or a friend.

I don't know what to do. He'd be horrified and upset I think if I were to tell him how his comments made me feel - but I don't have the close relationship with them, and I don't know how to deal with how he currently feels inside. But this isn't sustainable and it's also eating me up with guilt that I'm not the perfect daughter - and the fact that I want to move to Germany rather than closer to them is beginning to hold me back.

Former Member

Short answer: No, you do not move back up north. You stay where you prefer to, because you are living your own life, go your own way and your parents will have to let go.

Long answer: You need to break this to your dad. Just describe it to him. You prefer living here, because of <reasons>. You don't want to move, especially not up north. If your dad feels disconnected from you you can skype maybe for an hour a week, but you are an adult and you are not of a mind to move away from your preferred location to somewhere you do not fancy for the sole reason of having more contact with your parents. If they like they can come visit, and if the 2 hour drive is too much bother, well then I guess they don't miss you that much. Sometimes you need to tell people things they do not want to hear, but that's life. Be resolute and not kinda wishy washy (as in, don't leave room for your dad that he thinks he can persuade you) and do not let him guilt trip you. Not wanting to sit in your parents lap for your entire life does not make you a bad daughter. If you let your dad quench your ambitions so he does feel less lonely you will resent him forever. If he feels lonely he needs to find a solution like every other person, find some activity he can partake in with likeminded individuals. You are not responsible for your fathers inability to find satisfaction without being connected at the hip to his daughter.

Former Member

I'm wit' Strubbs. :yes: Won't repeat what he said but you do need to do your own thing, you need to live your own life. They'll adjust to that fact.

*hug*

Former Member

I think everything u said is fairly understandable. I don't think u need to feel guilty or reminded by the fact that u moved out when u were 18 living on ur own and doing everything for urself where they feel u should of still been living at home and obeying there rules.

Your not the only one whos moved out at that age. There are lots of young people who may not have any choice but to go. I know I did but u still had the problems living at home and fairly surprised they let u move out that age because the way they are acting now shows they would stop u from going.

Now that ur older and more wiser u know better. Its obvious u became very independant at a young age without any of this being planned and that's how ur life has gone now. That was the path u went down to so u had to do a lot of growing up so fast.

From what u mentioned about ur parents not being able to see u much could u and then come to a compromise and now and again u go to them and stop a couple of nights and they come to u? Maybe meet up half way from each other where u both live and go for a coffee or shopping. I think that's only reasonable for both of u. No one can complain then and it would be good to build that relationship back up with ur parents. What do u think about that?

I know this will have to be in ur spare time when ur not doing anything but I think ur parents will start realising that ur trying ur best by seeing them when can and can't expect no more. You do have ur own life and they need to respect that. They know u moved out ages ago and now they are only starting to realise how much they are missing u cuz it's been ages though they knew that already.

Thinking about u moving away to Germany is a big step and I need to be prepared to be going if that's what u want. You need to put everything into considerstion thinking if this is what u want as there's no going back and u won't be able to be with ur friends u made or see ur family hardly. Please think about this.

You do have the rights to go about ur life the way u want it. If this was when u were !8 then maybe not but ur not. Have to make the right choices for u though u know this will be hard and u have to make it if u want to.

You might find TheSite.org.uk/advice pages helpful as I'm sure they lots of information and advice on family and moving away. That might be something helpful for u.

Please keep in touch x

Former Member

Yeah, I'm definitely not moving back up north - I don't see it on the cards, and I think I'm coming around to the fact that possibly I'm projecting my guilt onto the situation (to some extent) because I suppose I also feel guilty that they do miss me and that I'm not around.

Strubbs and Mike, you're spot on - I can't go along with their wishes because I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I'm wondering whether what I really need is a better relationship with my parents that will traverse the distance, i.e. more talking about more things - not just a bullet point list of things that need to be discussed via Skype that my parents send every 6 weeks or so but I don't really know how to go about it. I feel emotion is so surpressed in our family that we can't talk about emotive topics so just either don't talk or play it safe talking about 'fluffy' things.

I know when I lived in Germany before, we skyped more. Maybe I need to be picking up communicating with them more frequently, if we can't meet :chin:

Former Member

I live hundreds of miles away from my parents, so day trips not an option unless fly and even then it'd be a very long day. When I see parents I get enquiries about whether I've got any plans to move back down South - and at the moment not got any.

It's taken a bit of getting used to - but over time, got to a fairly settled balance. I make an effort to phone at least once a fortnight (or Skype, or FaceTime, but usually good old faishoned phone call), just to say hello and catch up. Sometimes I ring them, sometimes they ring me. Sometimes, one person is busy - so it's a quick chat. Other times we've both got spare time and it lasts an hour

Would something like that maybe help?

It took a bit of time to get used to the " just ringing to say hello" type conversations - but in some ways I'd say I talk properly to my parents more now than I did when I lived with them.

Former Member

Hey everyone, thank you for your kind replies!

I've been trying to ring my parents more, like you suggested Scary. I think it will take a bit of getting used to, to have the "just ringing to say hello" conversations like it did with you - we always start with some small talk and then about 5 minutes in they ask why I am calling. But I think it's a good idea and something I should continue trying with - so thank you

Former Member

That's good to hear Katie

I think ur making postive steps to make things work with ur parents and u know its never to late to try and mend things. That's all u can do right now.

Making small is a great start! This is a really good example when u haven't spoken to someone in ages from asking hi how are u to how was ur day. Sometimes that all we need without going about the same conversation over and over again.

I hope ur parents can see how much ur trying because we all know u are and it would be good for them to make a bit more of an effort to ring u to. I still think moving to Germany is something u should continue to consider. You seem to be in the best place right now so u shouldn't let anything get in ur way. Do u know what ur willing to do out there?

Please keep in touch x

Former Member

Scary Monster wrote: »

It took a bit of time to get used to the " just ringing to say hello" type conversations - but in some ways I'd say I talk properly to my parents more now than I did when I lived with them.

I found this when I was at uni. I was about 200 miles from them and they'd phone every other Sunday. There would also be the odd Facebook message / email and other phone calls if I needed to talk to them more.

Former Member

True