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The long list of mistakes that led to me losing my virginity

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
About four months ago, this guy that I met at university started to show interest in me. Well, my friends said he was interested in me but I just brushed it off because no guy has ever found me attractive before. But one night, when we were both drunk, he told me that he really liked me and we ended up partly naked (fully aware that this was kinda rushed since I had almost no experience with sexual stuff). I thought it might be awkward after but it was fine and the flirtation got very obvious. And he said that we could go as slow as I needed to because he knew how inexperienced I was.
Later that same week, we were drunk together again and he kept saying how much he liked me and how beautiful/strong/amazing I was. We got separated from the group of friends we were with and when we tried to get into the club, the bouncers wouldn't let him in because of how drunk he was. So we headed home, just the two of us. He told me to come back to his flat and I get that this implies sex but I trusted that he meant it when he said we would go at my pace.
I was so wrong. There were several different points where I said I didn't want to go any further. Which would make him back off. Then he'd try again shortly after as if I might have changed my mind. This kept happening and he kept persuading me to go further than I wanted to.
Eventually, after being forced across many boundaries, it came to having sex. I really didn't want to. It felt wrong because it was my first time, we weren't in a relationship and he was still very drunk. But he kept demanding reasons why we shouldn't, he made it sound like he was doing me a favour because I didn't know what I missing out on (being a virgin). I've had massive self-esteem issues for over 7 years now so part of me was thinking "this is probably the best you can do, no other guy has ever been this interested, you know how much you hate being the only virgin you know at uni".
So I was fighting two battles, one with him and one with myself, and I lost. I let him have sex with me and I have never known pain like it. I get that losing your virginity can be painful but no way is it normally that bad! Didn't seem to bother him though. Then, the next day, he suddenly had no interest in me anymore. He said that nothing like that could happen again and he didn't want a relationship in his first year anyway. About a week later, I asked why he wasn't attracted to me anymore and he said it was "never really a thing anyway" and he'd started to really like this girl on his course (he's now in a relationship with said girl).
I used to be such a happy drunk but ever since then, alcohol just makes me get really sad. And these sad drunk episodes have slowly been getting worse to point where I'm now self-harming on most of the occasions when I drink. I feel fine when sober but my friends think that's because I'm suppressing everything when I'm sober.
So. Does what happened with this guy count as rape? Did he manipulate me? Is it my fault for being too easy? Am I a bad person for sleeping with someone who was that drunk (since you can't consent when drunk)? Why do I feel worse about the rejection than being pressured into sex? How do I stop getting so angry and upset when I drink? Should I seek counselling like my friends are suggesting? Or is it so long ago that I should've gotten over it by now? I just want it to stop being a problem, before my friends get sick of me and the mess in my head :banghead:
Thank you for reading this, I know it's a really long post!

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    SarahRSarahR Posts: 213 Trailblazer
    Hi Rivena

    Welcome to TheSite. I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a negative and painful experience. It really sounds like it's playing on your mind a lot, and with good reason. You have said several times that you felt uncomfortable during the experience and expressed to him that you didn't want to go any further at several points but he kept "persuading you to go further". You also mentioned that you "really didn't want to" have sex and you feel like you "let him" do it. This would suggest that coercion took place which means you're feeling like you may have been raped. There is an article here on TheSite entitled Was it rape? which may be helpful in helping you think about this further.

    Should you decide that you want to either report your experience or seek counselling, there are plenty of services which can help you to make this step. Rape Crisis offer information and counselling about rape and they have a website here: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/. Alternatively, you could seek support through your university's student support services as everything will be kept confidential (unless you choose to report what happened). Ultimately only you can make this decision based on how you feel and what you feel happened, however seeking support in the first instance is an important first step.

    The important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to be feeling right now. It's OK to feel confused, frustrated and upset. There isn't a time limit on how long these feelings can last, and four months isn't a very long time. You have also mentioned that you feel you've been upset when you drink alcohol and that you are also self-harming. There are several articles about self-harm here on TheSite which may be helpful: http://www.thesite.org/search/self-harm. It might also be a good idea to get in touch with Self Injury Support, which is a dedicated service for women who self-harm - http://www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/

    Whatever you decide to do next, I hope this information has been helpful. Please do let us know how you are getting on and I hope you are able to access the support that you need.

    Sarah
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Rivena,

    Well done on coming here and sharing what has happens, that takes courage.

    I am so sorry to hear what you have been through recently. What happened feels unfair, you have been treated badly and it sounds like the memories or what happened has left you feeling emotionally distraught and low sense of worth. Only you can determine whether this was rape but either way it does sounds like you were not respected or listened to that night and the fact that he ignored you afterwards is plain cruel. He sounds like a complete waste of space and you deserve much better than that.

    Please remember you are not alone and there is no time-scale for getting over something like this, don't beat yourself up by thinking you should be okay and you shouldn't be feeling like this. Your feelings are as they are and before you can move on you need to love yourself and tell yourself its okay to feel like this! With enough support (Perhaps student services counselling as sarah suggests) you will begin to cope better and to feel better. Keep talking to your friends too, let them know your worried they will get sick of you - i'm sure they can reassure you that they are there for you no matter what.

    In terms of alcohol - do remember that alcohol is a depressant which means that sometimes things which are affecting our mood and bring us down are heightened when we drink which is perhaps why you are feeling so sad when you drink at the moment. Do have self-care, try not to drink excessively (hard with the uni lifestyle i know) because this will only make you feel worse.

    Stay strong, *hug* you will get through this, let us know how you are getting on.

    Elly
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Rivena,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your experience and how it has negatively affected you till now. First of all, you've been really brave by letting your friends know a bit about what you've been going through and talking about it here.

    From what you've said, especially the way he ignored your boundaries even when you said that you weren't comfortable with going further, it does sound like you feel manipulated or coerced into doing something you did not want to happen. Clearly, this experience has left a painful impression with you in the way it's been playing on your mind and impacting your life since. As Sarah said, there is no right or wrong way to be feeling. Your friends' suggestion to seek counselling is a great one as it could help you to work through the confusion and difficult emotions you are experiencing.

    If you aren't comfortable with speaking face to face with a counsellor, you could also contact Get Connected for free by email, text, over the phone or live web chat. It's completely confidential and they will be able to give you support and information on what kinds of services are available to you in your local area. If you wish to go ahead and seek further help, they can even introduce you to a service and make sure you're comfortable with it.

    Recovering from any kind of trauma is rarely easy, but acknowledging and expressing your feelings is the first step. I hope this helps a bit and do keep us posted *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there Rivena.

    it must have been such a painful experience. I had something similar but to a lesser extent, I was not raped but i was sexually abused in another country and still haven't lost my virginity now being 19 years old.

    I'm not too bothered about losing it or keeping it but i just haven't found the right guy yet to help me lose it :)

    If you need someone to talk to i'm here okay?

    :) Hang on in there girl
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So, last night, I got incredibly drunk and got carried home by my friend (the one who originally suggested counselling). I was in a bad stage of sad drunk and I started trying to hurt myself with a knife but he tried to stop me and I accidentally cut his hand which I feel so awful about. I don't think he knew I'd been self-harming or he just didn't know the extent of it but as a result, he's finally got me to seek help. I have an appointment to see my GP on Monday so I can try and find a counselor and my friend says he will make sure I go. Hopefully this may be the start of improving my current mental state. I really hope it is. Just thought I'd keep you posted :) thank you to the people who have replied, it's really helped x
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    Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Rivena1623 wrote: »
    So. Does what happened with this guy count as rape? Did he manipulate me? Is it my fault for being too easy? Am I a bad person for sleeping with someone who was that drunk (since you can't consent when drunk)? Why do I feel worse about the rejection than being pressured into sex? How do I stop getting so angry and upset when I drink? Should I seek counselling like my friends are suggesting? Or is it so long ago that I should've gotten over it by now?

    Hi Rivena

    I wanted to answer a couple of your questions - it does sound like this guy manipulated you and knew how to push your buttons, whether he meant to or not. It is DEFINITELY not your fault - all you should have to say is that you don't want to go any further. And it doesn't make you a bad person - it sounds like he was the one doing all the pushing.

    It is a big thing to get over. You can certainly do it, but don't rush yourself. It's great that you've arranged to get some help :)

    Keep talking here too, we're here :)
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    SarahRSarahR Posts: 213 Trailblazer
    Rivena1623 wrote: »
    So, last night, I got incredibly drunk and got carried home by my friend (the one who originally suggested counselling). I was in a bad stage of sad drunk and I started trying to hurt myself with a knife but he tried to stop me and I accidentally cut his hand which I feel so awful about. I don't think he knew I'd been self-harming or he just didn't know the extent of it but as a result, he's finally got me to seek help. I have an appointment to see my GP on Monday so I can try and find a counselor and my friend says he will make sure I go. Hopefully this may be the start of improving my current mental state. I really hope it is. Just thought I'd keep you posted :) thank you to the people who have replied, it's really helped x

    Hi Rivena

    Thanks for coming back to update us and I'm sorry to hear you had such a difficult night. It sounds great that you've decided to seek help and that you have an appointment with your GP. If you're feeling like it's hard to talk, you can always take your friend to the appointment with you. It sounds like you're getting some good support.

    Let us know how you get on on Monday

    Sarah
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Update: in a nutshell, massive improvements! We just had the Easter holidays at uni so I got to spend three weeks at home and just being able to walk away from the environment that I've been feeling so bad in for so long was really refreshing and really helped to clear my head. I'm back at uni now and everything just feels so much more positive (of course, I still get down sometimes but not about this particular incident).

    It probably also helps that this guy has now dropped out so I don't have the worry of running into him all the time. He has visited his flatmates since dropping out and seeing him did make me very shaky but it was okay. I really feel like I've moved past it and I can't tell you how great that feels.

    Thanks again to everyone who responded. These past few months have been some of the lowest in my life and reading these replies really helped x
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