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Broke up with girlfriend. Bad at coping.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So me and my girlfriend of a year broke up and Im struggling to deal with it. I was on support chat today and people were very helpful. This happened before and it hurt me so much but I think this time it'll be worse. I generally find it hard to sleep and have an appetite :/

I'm meeting her on Tuesday to give her all of her things back. Might be the last time I see her. Its going to be very difficult. I just need some support.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Febox!

    If you're looking for support then you definitely came to the right place :) Break ups can be really tough, regardless of the circumstances but sometimes people struggle to reach out and end up feeling worse through isolation so it's great that you felt able to post about it here. It's also very good to hear that you've already had a good experience speaking to people on support chat. Sometimes just talking about a situation can make us feel a little better, even if it doesn't actually solve the problems we're currently facing.

    Have you got anyone offline who can support you through this difficult time? Tuesday sounds like it's going to be tough on your emotions and maybe having someone to meet up with for a chat afterwards could help you through it.

    When we're struggling to deal with something emotionally it can often result in broken sleep and loss of appetite so that's definitely not unusual. If you're really struggling to eat it may be worth just grazing on small snacks until your appetite comes back. Try and prepare yourself meals that you really love so you can feel enthusiastic about sitting down to eat them. Sleep problems are also tricky. Forcing yourself to sleep never really works but there are things you can do to try and encourage your brain to wind down at the end of a stressful day. Keeping the room dark and quiet and making sure your sleeping area is comfortable are a good start. If racing thoughts are keeping you awake it might help to keep a journal just before bedtime - getting them all out on paper could help your brain relax.

    This article from The Site on how to navigate a break up could also be of use to you. The most important thing to remember is that no matter how terrible you might feel right now there are always people who care about you and that this feeling won't last forever. Please keep us updated on how everything goes!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So spoke to her a little bit more today through text. Times are planned for the Tuesday. We'll be meeting for two hours, after that if she feels no different I said that we'd be in no contact from there on. I've had her block me on Facebook instead of me her, this removes my control over speaking to her.

    One thing made me feel a little weird though. She sent me a link to a song and after listening to about 20 seconds of it I told her it was a nice song. She cut me off telling me to listen to it all. So I listened to it all and looked through the lyrics and all. I asked her what it made her think of and she just said "How you must be feeling". Said that the song made her burst out crying. Im not sure how to react to the fact that she wants me to be okay. She also said that she never wanted this to happen, but her feelings just died out...

    Its all confusing to me. I suppose the proper end for the whole thing comes on Tuesday. The last time I see her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    UPDATE: I spoke to her a little bit today because I was missing her. I know its not a good move. Anyway. She seems so much different now. She struggles with social anxiety etc. and never really liked going to places with alot of people and lately she's been going clubbing with these people I've never heard of and they're paying for her to get into places her drinks all of it. I know its not my place anymore but I'm quite worried for her and even more so I'm afraid in the one year together she wasn't the person I thought she was :/
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hi Febox,
    This period of a break-up is really hard - as you say, you know getting in touch with her is 'not a good move' and you're already seeing some negative consequence to that action: self doubt, worry about her, and probably other feelings you haven't mentioned here. While it's important to be kind to yourself during this time and not feel bad if when slip-ups happen, it can also help to find strategies to avoid some of the actions you know are going to lead to more heart ache.

    As well as the article Myskaria mentions, you might find it helpful to explore the break-ups section in our new lovesmart tool, it provides some insights into how you're feeling and offers some practical tips on how to cope. Let me know how you get on with it :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The linked did help a little bit, thanks. I spoke to her today because we were supposed to meet for me to give her everything back. She was ill so that didn't happen but we did speak on the phone. I ended up crying alot during our conversation and she kept telling me to try stop because it would set her off too. We didn't say all too much to be honest. The usual since all this happened, I tell her how I've been feeling and how I've been coping. Only difference being she said that it looks like she's finding it easier because she felt this coming, she initiated this and therefore had time to prepare. It feels a little selfish to me... she could have told me her doubts and then we both would be experiencing this, whereas what happened seems to be that she started getting over it before it was over.

    Foolish it might be but I told her that one day in the future I hoped we might give it another go. Unlikely maybe but I told her how I'd be willing to start over if we ever got to that. She said that she couldn't predict the future and I don't want to gather hope or anything from that but I can't help it. She said she wouldn't want to give it another go unless she was 100% sure of herself, because it wouldn't be fair and she wouldn't want to lie to me.

    Its all very confusing and painful. I'm stuck between wanting to get it all over with and go no contact to try feel better but at the same time I miss just speaking to her and feel lonely otherwise. Speaking to anyone else doesn't satisfy my need to talk.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there Febox :wave:

    It sounds like it's a really hard time for you. I really feel for you - break ups are so tough, and you're spot on when you say they are confusing and painful. Did you discuss arranging another meeting with her? It might be worthwhile leaving meeting up with her for a little while, if the things you have to give back can wait? Or perhaps you could give them to a mutual friend, and she could collect her things from them? Minimising the contact with your ex, although really hard, might be the best thing for you at the moment.

    It's very hard to not talk to them, because you miss them so much. Although you need to think about whether seeing them would make you feel any better, would it bring you any comfort - or would it make you feel worse? It sounds like that your ex has had time to think about the idea of not being together longer than you, and so she might have got used to the concept. Thats not to say you wont get there - but you are still in the hurting phase - and that is so hard. Dont worry about taking some time out to sort through how you feel. Surrounding yourself with people who care about you will help - even though you might feel like you just want to be by yourself right now.

    It's very normal to feel lonely and down after a break up - it's like a bereavement isn't it? You miss the person, and spending time with them. Its a big change and it will hurt for some time, so dont feel rushed into being 'over it' It will come in time. Your ex is correct, we never know whats around the corner - and you may get to a place where you want to have another go - but for the time being, Id suggest being really good to yourself, and do the things that cheer you up if you can. We're thinking of you on here - and if you need any support - we're here for you :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's on sick pay for depression but it was recently stopped so she's chasing that up. I had booked the ticket (it was only £10) for her to come to get her things as I just wanted it all to be out of the way. My plan was to get her things out of the way (its a large black sack) and then go no contact and try to feel a little better. There are no mutual friends nearby because this was relatively long distance but she would come up and stay with me a couple of weeks every month. I understand where she is coming from about not knowing what may come in the future but I feel like thinking like that gives me hope and hope won't help in this situation. Its bad enough that I blame myself for her losing feelings. That's mainly because I started taking her for granted and got very laid back, and now I regret that.

    My plan for now is to try and be able to eat and sleep like a normal person and probably join a gym. I figure if there is a chance we might hit it off again then a depressed out of shape guy isn't attractive. I need to better myself.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The bad news is, this shit hurts. It's like you are going through withdrawal. It is actually quite a lot like that.

    The good news is, (almost) every single person goes through this sometime or another and pretty much all of them turn out fine. It won't kill you and you will get over this. It might not feel like it right now, but as little as you can imagine this whole pain going away, in a couple of weeks or months (depends entirely on the person and how you use your new free time) you won't be able to imagine anymore how bad that really hurt.

    Just give it time.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im really sorry to hear this but ur not on ur own. Everyone gets there heart broken at some point including me. Please dont blame urself and let that give u the strength and bravery to not give up on urself and to aim higher because u really can with setting high standards. Ask urself next time u meet someone

    Is she my type?

    Do we really have alot in common?

    Do I deserve someone who can give me what I want?

    Are they the one?

    All those questions will help to see wether that person could really be a potential girlfriend or just someone whos gonna break your heart again. You want to put ur foot down and not let someone else walk all over u again.

    I dont mean to sound like this girl u was with was to blame because I dont actually know what happened but u dont want to settle down with any old person untill u feel its gonna work. You said u been here before so u need to try and prevent that from happening again. Its early days to be looking for someone else but when u do it will be at the right time and the right place.

    Hopefully u and ur ex dont end on bad terms but I would say to have some space after u and her have met. Atleast u can have time to a just and vete back to ur normal self. Im glad others on here have supportive u through this but if u ever need someone to talk to then u have us.

    Remember that u have ur friends and family there for u two.

    Take Care x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Febox :)

    It sounds like you're having a really tough time with all the difficult emotions from your break up :( It's great that going on support chat here was helpful to you.

    From your posts, I get the sense that although you want to go no contact with her soon to try to make it easier to get over the break up, you're struggling with dealing with the loneliness and missing the closeness you had with her.

    Although you say that speaking with other people doesn't satisfy these feelings, perhaps you could try a different tactic - distracting yourself from these feelings a bit by keeping yourself busy by socialising more with friends and keeping occupied with other activities or even trying something new to help change your current routine. Going to the gym is a really good example of this. Since you found support chat helpful before, maybe go on there whenever you can to help ease these feelings?

    Do you have any friends that you feel comfortable enough with to go to for support/just to spend time with to take your mind off of things?
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