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Moaaaan
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
I know I drone on an awful lot but it's not as though peeps have to read what I say.
I feel like I've gone beyond breaking point and I don't really know how to stick it out for as long as I need to. I've gotten to the point where impulse is so strong that I just follow it despite anything. I hit crisis at the end of last week and since then I've been more reckless than ever. I don't even think I should call it reckless because whatever I do seems absolutely fine to me, but gosh knows what to call it.
Anyway, at the end of last week, it's as though I got a sample of what could be and I've been doing all sorts of 'dangerous' things since then to try and get that same feeling - the kind of feeling where it's exciting not knowing how things might end up. Like you want something so bad and suddenly you've nearly achieved that desire. But nothing has come close enough to that exact feeling I got so I'm constantly searching for other things to try.
I think I might have come to the realisation that maybe I have to be sobbing beforehand, meaning the sudden change in feelings from the danger may be what causes the excitement, but that doesn't make complete sense to me because I am low. Why should that mean I have to be crying all of the time? I hate it when I want to cry because, to me, it's my utter weakness.
Moving on a little - drinking is becoming worse again. I was so irresponsible the other day and I ended up downing strong alcohol, just before I went somewhere specific, because I knew it would make me feel merry and confident. But I know I really shouldn't have because of where I actually went and I knew there was a strong risk that people would have smelt the alcohol on me but I still chose to take that risk, despite what could have happened had certain people realised I'd been drinking.
I used to drink so much and I'd feel so hyper all evening but at the moment, if I carry on drinking past tipsy, I just end up feeling really sick and as though I'm on some sort of come down. I don't understand why that has been the case recently. However, feeling like that doesn't stop me from drinking past tipsy. If anything, I drink more in the hope that if I keep going, soon I might feel how I actually want the alcohol to make me feel.
There have been quite a few issues recently - some with family, some with friends, some with myself and the past. But I'm going to get into all of that at some other point instead because thinking about every single thing all at once is really not helping with the sickness that I'm currently feeling. Gosh, reading this back, it doesn't even seem like I've said much but I genuinely feel as though I've worn myself out with explaining what felt to me like a huge amount.
I feel like I've gone beyond breaking point and I don't really know how to stick it out for as long as I need to. I've gotten to the point where impulse is so strong that I just follow it despite anything. I hit crisis at the end of last week and since then I've been more reckless than ever. I don't even think I should call it reckless because whatever I do seems absolutely fine to me, but gosh knows what to call it.
Anyway, at the end of last week, it's as though I got a sample of what could be and I've been doing all sorts of 'dangerous' things since then to try and get that same feeling - the kind of feeling where it's exciting not knowing how things might end up. Like you want something so bad and suddenly you've nearly achieved that desire. But nothing has come close enough to that exact feeling I got so I'm constantly searching for other things to try.
I think I might have come to the realisation that maybe I have to be sobbing beforehand, meaning the sudden change in feelings from the danger may be what causes the excitement, but that doesn't make complete sense to me because I am low. Why should that mean I have to be crying all of the time? I hate it when I want to cry because, to me, it's my utter weakness.
Moving on a little - drinking is becoming worse again. I was so irresponsible the other day and I ended up downing strong alcohol, just before I went somewhere specific, because I knew it would make me feel merry and confident. But I know I really shouldn't have because of where I actually went and I knew there was a strong risk that people would have smelt the alcohol on me but I still chose to take that risk, despite what could have happened had certain people realised I'd been drinking.
I used to drink so much and I'd feel so hyper all evening but at the moment, if I carry on drinking past tipsy, I just end up feeling really sick and as though I'm on some sort of come down. I don't understand why that has been the case recently. However, feeling like that doesn't stop me from drinking past tipsy. If anything, I drink more in the hope that if I keep going, soon I might feel how I actually want the alcohol to make me feel.
There have been quite a few issues recently - some with family, some with friends, some with myself and the past. But I'm going to get into all of that at some other point instead because thinking about every single thing all at once is really not helping with the sickness that I'm currently feeling. Gosh, reading this back, it doesn't even seem like I've said much but I genuinely feel as though I've worn myself out with explaining what felt to me like a huge amount.
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Comments
I know how good the recklessness can feel, to finally feel something, anything can be such so, so good after feelings of nothing for long periods of time.
It sounds like you have a heck of a lot on your plate right now and I believe you will come through it, even though it's so very hard right now.
To follow on from my first drone, I've come to the realisation that the negative steps I'm taking are all coming together really fast, maybe a lot faster than I expected. In a sense, it's weird because I've felt this low so many times before but I've never really gone further than a certain amount of days of being a recluse and the usual self harm.
Talking of self harm, they're not really open cuts on my arm anymore and despite the fact I have cuts elsewhere, it really doesn't feel right that my arm isn't covered with them. It feels like there's something missing but these past few days, I've struggled to make the effort of actually going through that process because it's more than just cutting - you obviously have to get something to stop the blood with and then hide all evidence, etc. I'm self harming in different ways, some do fulfil that same need, but there's something really upsetting about not having the shape of/cuts on my arm to look at when I want to.
I recently got my meds for pain after thinking I wouldn't so I know I should be at least trying to save them because without them, pain is absolutely horrific, but they make me feel sick and overly tired so I've been kinda experimenting a little bit. I don't really know how to stop myself from doing that. I don't even know if I want to. But then when I do feel really sick because of them, I can't stand it at all.
I think the easiest issue to start off with is family. Mothers day is coming up and it makes me sad because everything is different. It's too complex to actually explain the entirety of how mothers day used to be but in short, I know mum must obviously be hurting. My thoughts spiral - I'm constantly thinking about what I could have done differently, what I could have said differently. I could have even avoided sharing the information that he was a family member. I don't know, but surely I could have done something to make sure the family didn't fall out like they have. Urgh, such a draining subject.
I want to moan about sleep. Overall, my routine is horrific and it seems to be getting later every night but I'll get up a few hours after I've finally gotten to sleep and I can't stand it. I feel so tired all of the time but it never seems to matter.
I'll moan about other things later. It's stupid because everything is floating around my head and it should be so easy to grab them and type them out but it isn't. It feels like I haven't even scratched the surface and after seeing I've written very little yet again, I feel like an idiot.
I'll drone but then I'll backspace some things. I don't know if I should bother - I don't know why I'm posting about stupid issues when everything is basically a choice.
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With regards to your pain - are you getting any help other than pain killers? I don't quite know your situation, (although, I understand my situation is completely different) but has any suggested a pan clinic or similar?
I used to have physiotherapy but that made pain much worse full time.
I can sit here and moan as much as I want to but overall, I'm okay with how things are in terms of behaviour. I self harm, drink, self medicate etc. because that's what I want to do.
My head hurts, the right side of my stomach hurts, I feel emotionally drained but at the same time I feel overwhelmingly sad. I literally don't know how to carry on 'coping'. I feel lost. I feel like there's too much going on and it has trapped me in some sort of unknown place. I want to be allowed to use camhs. I want to cry on her. I literally need her and it's fucking stupid that she had to stop working with me. It's stupid that suddenly you're too old to use certain services because when things get too real, I can't do it. I'm sat here crying when all I want to do is sleep. I don't understand why I break at stupid times.
I see things have been hard for u with ur family and friends and this could of been one of the reasons why drinking a bit more will help sort it when really it doesnt. In the long run it will work out better talking and coming up with a plan of action then drinking.
Have u spoken to anyone like a doctor or counseller about this? I see maybe this wouldnt be a good time to talk to ur family about it.
Also u shouldnt have to pretend to be happy when ur not. None of us on here will judge. You seem like soneone like the rest of us who needs somewhere to turn to. Were here if u wanna talk.
Catwoman x
It sounds like you felt really safe with her and able to be yourself. It may seem like a tough journey to start but I wonder if you could think about building a new relationship that serves that same purpose. Having a safe space perhaps with a counsellor or someone that you trust not to judge you and that understands you can help you begin to trust and understand yourself. You mentioned refusing support that have been offered in the past - do you know what held you back and would you feel any differently now if those options were available to you?
*hug*
Building up that trust with new people is much more effort than it's worth, and it's not as though you can start off slowly and generally - professionals get straight into questions like 'how do you feel', 'tell me a little bit about your past'. It seems draining.