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Things are going from bad to worse...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
So I felt happiness for a really long time in January. Consecutive days of happiness, I couldn't believe the feeling was back! February was a mix; some days here and there were my 'happy days'. Now march is just bad. Bad, bad, bad. As the days go by, more negativity is entering my life, and it's still continuing.

I came back to my work after a weekend away (background info: I do gigs (dancing and as a musician) for my main income whilst I am trying to 'prove' to my parents I do not need to go to uni), and I found out I have lost 4 gigs a week from my weekly schedule. Now not only has this depleted my savings, it lead into me feeling lower than usual.

Then, a few days later, I had some friendship problems. (background info: A couple split up and I'm trying to still be friends with both). The girl wants me to keep everything she says about the guy a secret, but it stresses me out so I started lying by saying I wasn't telling him when I was. She was stressing me out with all the secrets and I felt like he was the best person to tell as he would know her better than me. The guilt of lying and not keeping my word stresses me out and eats me alive. I couldn't deal with it all so I told the guy everything. Last night she found out and said that she was extremely disappointed in me. She felt hurt and betrayed. which made me feel lower. I felt like he was the only one I could talk to. And now I'm scared in case he tells her any more, and I will yet again loose my friends. (reading this back, I guess they're the consequences of lying and breaking promises, but I was so stressed and my self harm thoughts were coming back). So now I have nobody to talk to and I'm alone again. There is no way I will ever be able to have a serious relationship if I can't even sustain one single friendship.

Today, I found out that my uncle has MS. He has had it for 7 years and he has only just told our family. He's the closest uncle I have out of the 4 I have as we are both musicians and we just really click. He now can hardly play his guitar (I already knew this, but he said it was arthritis - which he also has). So that has topped off all of the negativity in my life so far.

I feel like I have no friends (again), isolated, a terrible person who is no longer an honest person, and I also now live away from my pets who used to keep me strong. Music isn't even a cure anymore. I even almost cut earlier, however, I was able to keep myself away from the bathroom by tying myself down. I still feel so down, I think I may see myself slipping back into my darker frame of mind, which I really do not want. All negativity is pointing back at me. I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning.

I'm sorry my threads are always so long winded but I don't know who to turn to when I come here. Why am I such a horrible person? Why do people hate me? How have I gotten this low in a matter of days? I want to feel happiness again, I don't want to cry, I don't want to put down anybody, I don't want to hurt anybody. I just don't want to carry on any longer.:banghead: :crying:

Comments

  • Danny!Danny! mod Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi Lottie

    It sounds like you’ve had a lot of things to deal with all at once, so it’s not surprising that you’re struggling more. I’m impressed that you’ve been making a living as a dancer and musician (I’m a musician).

    With your friends who were a couple, I can see how you’ve landed into a difficult situation, but I don’t think it means you’re a bad person. It might be worth stepping back from the situation a little bit and setting some boundaries for yourself. If you do want to stay friends with both of them, it might be a good idea to let them know if there’s some things it’s better not to talk to you about, or that you can’t promise to keep a secret. While I can understand that your female friend must have a lot going on at the moment, it was obviously more than you can handle, and that’s not fair either.

    I don’t think what happened with your friends reflects on your ability to have a relationship. All relationships (friendships included) have hard patches, it sounds like you’re thinking about this and being able to understand a situation and move forward is a good relationship skill.

    I’m sorry to hear about your uncle too :( Do you think you could work on some other options with him? I had a piano teacher who was a saxophonist until his arthritis got too bad, but learned to play piano really well.

    And remember, when you’re feeling low or need to get some things off your chest, you can always call Samaritans or Supportline – it's what they’re there for.

    Keep talking, we’re here :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The days are getting worse as they go by. So much pressure, so much realisation of how horrible a human being I am. I can't deal with it all anymore. More and more negative things are coming into my life at the moment, I can't handle it. I cut today, I'm a failure. I can't take much more, I don't want to be here any longer. The struggle to get out of bed each day is getting worse, it's so stupid! ughhh :banghead: If it's not one thing its another.....
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey Lottie,

    I'm really sorry to hear that things are getting so bad for you at the moment. From your last couple of posts, it sounds like things are spiraling a bit and it's getting harder and harder to see a way out. Is that what it feels like?

    You've mentioned a ton of negative stuff happening in your life right now, and that it's getting heavier all the time. It is absolutely understandable that you're finding it really difficult. I can imagine that it's only getting more overwhelming with even more negative stuff coming into your life at the moment. Would you like to talk a little bit more about the extra stuff?

    It seems like there's a big difference between the way you're reacting to all this bad stuff and the way you think you should be reacting to it. You implied that cutting makes you a failure and that finding it hard to get out of bed is stupid, but from everything you've already told us, those reactions make sense. A self-harm lapse is not a failure, and not wanting to face overwhelming situations certainly isn't stupid. There is no right way to react when things get so heavy so the things you're feeling are 100% valid.

    I notice your last post was few days ago now. How are you doing at the moment? Have you talked through these feelings with anyone else?

    Let us know :)

    James
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