Feeling so suicidal

Former Member

I'm feeling so so suicidal its unreal! I've been feeling so down the last few days but all of a sudden ive just been hit with this feeling that I don't and can't be here anymore!
I know with my EUPD i take things to heart and I think I might have done that today, I went to do my mates fake tan before and it wasn't the best I've ever done, and she called me a stupid bitch jokingly but I'm now just feeling horrible coz I messed it up and feeling worthless coz she called me a stupid bitch. I don't know

But I dont think im going to make it through the night, Urgh this is horrible :crying:

Ally xox

Former Member

Hey Ally,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low tonight have you tried contacting any helplines at all? If not, is that something you feel you might be up to trying? Alternatively, is there a friend or family member that you feel you could reach out to? Sometimes just a familiar voice can be a huge comfort in itself.

What's really positive is that you're opening up to us on here - that isn't always an easy thing to do when you're feeling intensely bad so you should be incredibly proud of yourself. We are absolutely here for you and we want to listen so please do keep posting. Do you want to talk about any of the situations that have led up to you feeling so desperate?

Big hugs *hug* *hug*

Former Member

Hi!

Yeah ive emailed Samaritans! I don't really have any family around to speak to, my fiancé is in work and I usually speak to his mum but she's in bed and I don't want to phone her and wake her up.

I'm not sure what's making me feel so bad, ive just been feeling so bad recently! I've wanted to get out for ages and I feel like tonight will finally be that night

Ally xox

Former Member

Hey Ally :wave:

Great words from Butterfly so I won't repeat them! Emailing Samaritans is a great step, but have you tried calling them? If you're really at breaking point and need faster, more instant support then giving them a bell would probably be of more use. While I've no doubt your fiancé's mum would be grateful of your consideration, I'm sure she would rather you woke her up so she could help you while you're feeling so low. Same goes for anyone who cares about you. But, that would be your judgement call.

I know it's been a couple of hours since you posted - how are you holding up now (if you're still awake!)?

*hug*

Former Member

Hey!

I thought about phoning them but I have a weird thing where I can't speak to people on the phone, unless I know them!
I decided not to wake my fiancés mum up or anyone for that matter and just kinda cries until I went to sleep

I'm still feeling the exact same today, I've cancelled all the plans I had coz I just don't think I could face doing anything! I just feel like such a failure and a letdown when I cancel plans.

Ally xox

Former Member

You're certainly not the only one who finds it difficult speaking over the phone to strangers, don't worry. Remember that the people who care about you will most likely be happy to help you out when you need them. Just as, I'm sure, you would be if the situation was reversed. Furthermore, don't feel bad about needing some time to yourself. Ever. We all need to from time to time and it certainly doesn't make you selfish, a failure or a let down.

Out of interest, have you ever had any support with your EUPD before?

Former Member

Yeah if anyone of my close friends or family came to me at any time id help them straight away! But I always feel like a burden & I'm just in the way.
I'm just finding it so hard to cope at the minute & I know I shouldn't but I'm self medicating, which makes me feel like a failure even more.

I've just stated structured clinical management but I'm not sure if it's for me! I've had so much therapy over the years I feel like giving up sometimes, & just realise that I'm gonna feel like this for the rest of my life.

Ally xox

Former Member

Today is horrible. I had like 2 hours sleep last night and I'm paying for it now. I'm feeling so worthless today like everything I do or say is a burden, I just don't know how I'm going to get through today. I hate myself so much

Former Member

I just want to point out that you have gotten through two bad nights now - you're clearly really brave and it's absolutely possible to get through today. Have you spoken to anyone else about how you're feeling today in terms of feeling like a burden? Could you phone your fiance or his mum just for a general chat if you don't want to talk to them about anything else?

You're not a burden Ally and we're here for you *hug*

Former Member

I know I've gotten through the last two days but Im just finding it so hard to see a positive right now. Everything I'm doing I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. I've came round to see him mum for a coffee & a chat now, but I just can't seem to get the words out. I thought I was good a hiding my true feelings but she always seems to know when I'm about to say that im doing bad or that I've fucked up.

Thanks, it means a lot to know I have a place to come, xox

Former Member

Ally** wrote: »

I've came round to see him mum for a coffee & a chat now, but I just can't seem to get the words out.

It sounds like you do want to be able to get the words out so if that's the case, do you think it might be easier to write it down, for example? Sometimes it can be an amazing outlet in itself to vent your deepest thoughts and feelings onto some paper so if you could do that, might it be easier to show it to your fiance's mum rather than feel obliged to actually say what you want to say? Are people aware that you've been having suicidal thoughts?

I hope you're holding up okay *hug*

Former Member

I have a mood diary that I write in everyday & usually if I cant get the words out ill show her the last couple of days from when its gone down hill. We're going out today for something to do but it's the one year anniversary of her mums death so I don't want to be pouring my heart out when she needs me to be strong for her today and suport them all. No, no one knows I'm having suicidal thoughts, Im scared that if I mention it they take me to the hospital or I'll end up sectioned again and that can't happen again, I feel apart in there last time.

Ally xox