Difficult Thoughts

Former Member

I've been having thoughts of causing physical harm to others to get myself completely and utterly hated - the most hated I could possibly be. Genuinely can't deal with this shit.

louisa982

Hey butterfly

I'm really sorry your struggling at the moment . I'm not quite sure what to suggest but all I can say is I think we all have some evil thoughts in our head about some person or another. And although this may not seem very reassuring at the moment but, the important thing is that they are thoughts not actions. No one is going to judge you for having your own thoughts or feelings.Having thoughts in our heads can be extremely difficult, especially ones like these. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help but I am always open if you want to pm/inbox me and just have a rant. Hope it gets better for you soon. Louisa xx

Former Member

Thanks for that Louisa.

Former Member

I really don't know what to say, but wanted to let you know I care, and if you want to talk I am here

Also have a *hug*

Former Member

Thanks. Will try and ring you for a general catch up at some point this week - can't be doing with all that social media shiz.

Former Member

butterfly123 wrote: »

Thanks. Will try and ring you for a general catch up at some point this week - can't be doing with all that social media shiz.

I understand, just know that I do care. I know I haven't shown it much recently and I am sorry.

Former Member

I genuinely thought I'd been coping well enough recently - I've been colouring a lot in my free time and relying on that in a way which has been helping to subside certain urges. However, I decided to start drinking before and found out a lot which has just piled on more stress and pressure. I've let the alcohol wear off and I'm seriously stressing out. I hate that I'm such a terrible person. If everyone that cares about me could hear what I basically let happen then they'd be shocked and extremely disappointed. I don't know what to do now, I don't even know what would happen if I tried to do something. I've self harmed quite a lot tonight so fuck knows what's going to happen when I visit the doctor about my prescription, that's if I do decide to. I do not want to be alive - stress and upset is just constant and I am worn out with all of the negative things that just keep popping up time and time again. I could easily make people not care.

Former Member

Hey butterfly :wave:

im sorry to hear you are having such a rough time, and struggling with how things are for you. We are always here for you, and ready to listen and support you.

I thought it was great that you found the colouring helpful - have you thought about maybe doing an art class if you haven't already? I know that a few people who are going through difficult times in their lives find that things like cooking really help them - they get super involved with what they are doing and this pushes out any other negative thoughts/feelings they would otherwise be experiencing.

You mentioned that you thought people would be shocked if they knew what you let happen - but really, I think that people would just be worried for you, because they care about what happens to you. Negative thoughts can be really persistent can't they? It's amazing that you are strong enough to push them out - so if you can - give yourself some praise for that - it's really awesome.

We're thinking of you - if you need to talk about anything - you can always write about it on here :yes:

*hug* 's from me

Former Member

There's an art home course that I wanted to do at some point, so much money though so would take a bit of saving. But yeah. Thank you Tam.

Former Member

Trying not to let the crying happen but I'm slowly failing. I feel so alone with everything at the moment. I can't deal with all of these situations and I'm worn out with trying because it feels like whatever I do/say is just seen as a fucking joke. Nobody sees how hard I try sometimes, how difficult certain things might be. They all just see this reckless, bitchy, terrible person and I know that's what I've been wanting but that doesn't dismiss any of the shit that's going on in my fucking mess of a head and it's genuinely so difficult.

Former Member

butterfly123 wrote: »

Trying not to let the crying happen but I'm slowly failing. I feel so alone with everything at the moment. I can't deal with all of these situations and I'm worn out with trying because it feels like whatever I do/say is just seen as a fucking joke. Nobody sees how hard I try sometimes, how difficult certain things might be. They all just see this reckless, bitchy, terrible person and I know that's what I've been wanting but that doesn't dismiss any of the shit that's going on in my fucking mess of a head and it's genuinely so difficult.

Hi Butterfly, I just wanted to say that I can see you're trying really hard. You often seem to be working on yourself, and thinking about other people that you obviously care about. It does sound really hard, and I think it's great that you reach out and talk about what's going on for you. Your honesty is really impressive - that's a great quality

You say you want people to hate you or see you as a bad person - do you have an idea why you might want that sometimes?

Former Member

Thanks Danny. I do know why I want people to hate me but hesitant to say in case it just defeats the point. It's much easier than I thought - I kinda just have to put on a bitchy attitude, even a minor one, and voila! Fuck knows what that say's.

Former Member

I'm struggling way too much today. Can't fucking cope. I don't even know why I give a shit though because it's not like I want to cope -_-

Former Member

Danny! wrote: »

Hi Butterfly, I just wanted to say that I can see you're trying really hard. You often seem to be working on yourself, and thinking about other people that you obviously care about. It does sound really hard, and I think it's great that you reach out and talk about what's going on for you. Your honesty is really impressive - that's a great quality

:yes: *hug*

Former Member

butterfly123 wrote: »

Thanks Danny. I do know why I want people to hate me but hesitant to say in case it just defeats the point.

Hey butterfly, I'd firstly like to echo what Louisa said - thoughts aren't actions and don't define you. However, I am interested in what you're saying here about wanting people to hate you, but not wanting to say why because it 'defeats the point'. When you say 'defeats the point' do you mean it will prevent you from holding onto the belief that people should hate you? What are you most scared of, more than anything else in the world?

Former Member

**helen** wrote: »

When you say 'defeats the point' do you mean it will prevent you from holding onto the belief that people should hate you?

It might prevent me from holding onto the the belief that people both should or would hate me. I feel if I was to share the reason why I want to be hated, it could go one of two ways - it could either counteract that desire to be hated or alternatively, it could cause that desire to deepen and the more extreme thoughts might very well turn into actions. I'm disappointed with myself for sometimes doubting that people should hate me but if I think about it logically, I only doubt because I compare it to how I might react if a friend was in my situation and came to me for advice - meaning realistically, I shouldn't ever doubt that I should be hated because of what I have or haven't done. I doubt that I would be hated simply because the reason I want to be, as I said, might just counteract that desire in other people's minds.

I think the thing I'm most scared of in this world is the thought of ever causing others to feel the kind of emotional pain that I feel - I suppose that's more complex than it sounds, though, in many ways.

Reading this back makes me feel like I've been nonsensically rambling.