Hopefully a new start...but where to start?

Starry night

I've recently split up from my boyfriend of two years, because I didn't feel as though I had strong feelings for him, that perhaps there was something else that I was missing out on. I get the hunch that maybe it was because we had really different interests.

Anyway, after waiting a month or two to have a good think about what I want from a new relationship, I know that I want to be with someone with similar interests to me, I love english literature, poetry, history etc...the problem is that I really like my own space, I like my own company a lot, and have a few good friends I see every now and again. The problem is, how I am going to meet somebody when I'm really not fond of going out with friends? My friends are interested in drinking, clubbing and that's wonderful for them, but not for me, and I don't think I'll be finding a shy guy who likes poetry there. At my age (20), most people seem interested in playing the field which is great for them, but not what I want. I'm not sure where to look, what to say, because I am a bit odd in that I like my own space, prefer a stable long term thing but with some excitement...

Am I being too picky? Should I get over myself and just go out? What would you guys advise?

plugitin

Hey starry,

Maybe you could meet people who share similar interests to you, for example if you are in a largish metropolitan area there might me some meetup groups that have your interests of english lit or culture at their heart? (Iirc you're at uni, right? Is there a society with similar interests?)

I don't think you're being too picky at all, everyone is different and has their own likes / dislikes and you should play to that not what society or you think your age dictates!

Starry night

Hey, thanks for the quick response


I do already go to something with my literature focus, but there isn't really anybody there. Again, it seems (from what I know of people) to be largely people who want to go clubbing/drinking alot and not be in a committed relationship. I'm aware this can sounds judgemental, but I really am not looking down on their idea of happiness and fun, it's not what makes me happy though.

I'm getting the idea that maybe someone a little older than me, who has done what they want before, but now is happier with a quieter way of life (in other words is happy to be monogamous without feeling like they're very dissatisfied, doesn't want to go clubbing three times a week, isn't going to be running around off of their face on a Friday sort of thing), of course a little bit of exciting different stuff, but a bit calmer and quieter for odd owls like me Or of course, somebody who doesn't really like that stuff massively anyway. I appreciate that they need their own life, friends and interests of course, just ones that are compatible with being with a quieter, shy person.

Former Member

Would now maybe be a good time to start a new hobby or something?

**helen**

Starry night wrote: »

I'm getting the idea that maybe someone a little older than me, who has done what they want before, but now is happier with a quieter way of life (in other words is happy to be monogamous without feeling like they're very dissatisfied, doesn't want to go clubbing three times a week, isn't going to be running around off of their face on a Friday sort of thing), of course a little bit of exciting different stuff, but a bit calmer and quieter for odd owls like me Or of course, somebody who doesn't really like that stuff massively anyway. I appreciate that they need their own life, friends and interests of course, just ones that are compatible with being with a quieter, shy person.

Hey Starry,
Great thread - as ever your self awareness is pretty impressive.

I'd say that the kind of person you have in mind is on the right kind of lines given your preferences - age isn't always a factor in perhaps being calmer and happier, I'd say that's more of a personality thing, but certainly paying attention to some older guys might not be a bad thing.

Have you done the online dating thing at all?

Equally, with the lit groups on meet-up, I don't think all the guys who go to that kind of thing will be just into clubbing and having a wild time - there tends to be quite a mix. I know it can be daunting to try out completely new things, but it might give you a bit more scope if you're willing to widen the net a bit. Another way to look at it is to go along with the aim of making a few new friends - because it's usually at that point, when we're not proactively looking for that one special person, that we bump into them. Sorry to pop out the cliche, but I think it's true that once we start to relax about these things, progress happens.

Former Member

Hi Starry,

I agree with you - sometimes guys need a bit more time to mature and they quiet down with the age so it's worth to broaden your horizons (However I 'm convinced there are 'odd owls' looking for someone special in your age too )

I know the feeling when you wait for someone to step in your life and waiting is sooo nerve-racking. Have you tried online dating? There are special dating websites (one is called Book Lover Dating) for book lovers. :cool: And as it has been said before: making new friends or starting a new hobby can't be a bad idea :thumb:

Former Member

What about going to poetry open mic nights and poetry slams and groups like that?

Former Member

Hello Starry!

I agree with the others - you definitely aren't being too picky! It's actually a very impressive skill to have, to know what you want and not to settle for less. After all, the main goal of any relationship is to be happy in each other's company and this can be very difficult to achieve if you are forcing yourself to be with people who have traits or interests that are undesirable to you.

Meeting people who are exactly what you are looking for can be hard, especially when going out isn't something you do on a regular basis. Organisations and events related to your interests are a good start (poetry readings, lectures or even book signings for example!) but if you are finding it hard to approach new people this can still be an obstacle.

Have you tried online dating? There are a few websites that don't charge for use and they give you a very easy way to filter people based on their interests and what they are looking for from a relationship. It also removes some of the pressure that comes with making first contact face to face and gives you the opportunity to talk to people for a while before deciding whether or not you actually want to meet. OkCupid in particular seems to be quite popular with young people into the creative arts and literature and they have a good mix of people looking for casual hook ups, short term relationships, long term relationships and friendship.

Let us know what you've tried and how you get on! There are plenty of young people out there with the same ideas on what makes a good relationship so don't feel disheartened if you don't find someone straight away. All good things take time