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Sex advice

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'll keep this brief and to the point as much as I can.

I was always a fairly confident, slightly cautious individual. Sex was never a huge issue and if it was I worked through it with a partner. Eventually I ended up with a girl I lusted for and we got together. I usually dated girls with wild ideas of marriage and shit but this was more physical. We were apart a month from hitting it off to meeting again and had opened a highly sexual dialogue via text and msn.

When we met we had sex within the first five minutes. It was great. We had sex all the time. We got along well. Then after about a year I broke up with her. It was just sex. The first breakup I ever initiated. I wondered if I'd done it cause I didn't love her or becuase that's about the time I normally get dumped. We got on well but she was a huge attention seeker and a nightmare around friends.

I had a close group of friends and this bothered me greatly. I ended it and shortly after we were having sex again. Then meeting up just to hang out. Then her and a mate who'd always come round for me really started to clash. I dropped her like a ton of bricks, went back to finish last year of uni, got really lonely and tried to reconnect. She wouldn't have it.

She came to visit and I made assumptions. We did mushrooms. She had other ideas about 'arrangements' and I had a bad trip.

She then ended up dating a friend for probably longer than me but I blanked that whole thing. It wasn't truly my business.

That was five years ago nearly and I've been single since. It's fucking me up big time. I don't want to go out and sleep with randoms but I no longer meet women and I'm so worried that it will all go wrong and that I'm messed up in the sexual department.

I was always highly sexual but strong opioid addictions have suppressed my desires for a long time. They will probably return very soon.

I saw a girl briefly the year after this and sex was dire. She expected everything to be done without participation. I can assume that type of girl is not for me, fair dos. But I'm worried about messing it up if the right one does ever come along.

Doesn't help that once, many, many years ago I bought a fleshlight after ruining myself after a night of masturbation and cocaine. I bought a 'helper' for the future and found it pretty decent for doing away with urges. One thing that worries me now is I've relied on this to not push for needing a relationship and being a lone wolf. In the time I've used it I've become very 'quick' with it. So basically I'm now worried about premature ejaculation too, if I meet someone.

Any advice or rationalizations that can be offered?

Do I just need to hope for the best and bite the bullet? I have no one in mind but this does concern me more and more.


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    SarahRSarahR Posts: 213 Trailblazer
    Hi Individualuser

    Welcome to TheSite. It sounds like you're feeling worried about having another sexual partner because of your experiences with previous partners and also with using sex toys. It's normal to feel worried about sex as it can be a complicated subject to navigate, however this doesn't mean you should have any trouble finding a partner and enjoying a sexual relationship with them in the future.

    It sounds like you had a casual relationship which ended with your partner starting a relationship with someone else while you haven't been seeing anyone since. Even when you feel right about ending a relationship, it's normal to miss someone and feel wary about trying to meet someone new in case it goes the same way. You mentioned that you once tried to reconnect with her once after the relationship had ended and she 'wouldn't have it'. Do you think maybe your confidence might have been knocked by her rejection? Even though you might know deep down that you didn't have much in common and that there were things about her that you didn't like, it might have felt strange to know that that door is finally closed.

    You then mentioned having a sexual relationship with a different girl who 'expected everything to be done without participation'. It's difficult to know exactly what you mean by this but it sounds like you had different requirements when it came to sex and in the end knew that you couldn't keep seeing her. Having difficult or unsatisfying sexual experiences can make it hard to feel positive about trying again with someone else.

    You also mention buying a fleshlight to aid masturbation which you've found helpful, although you're worried it's becoming a bit of a barrier between yourself and a new relationship. It's not necessarily damaging to use sex toys as an individual because, as you say, it can be a healthy way to relieve sexual urges. If you're concerned about how much you are using it, do you think maybe you could cut back for a while and see how you feel? It's also worth remembering that having a sexual experience with another person is different to having one alone, so it's unlikely you will have given yourself extra problems by using the fleshlight in terms of premature ejaculation.

    I hope some of this has been helpful :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You gave an excellent reply, thank you. I'm not instilled with confidence (didn't expect to be) but you've taken some of the shading off the edges - which is what I hoped for in entirety when I posted; even though posting this online had never occurred to me. I am glad I didn't have to save up and pay for counselling as I see not how more could have been offered.

    It's odd for me. I think the points you raised about where my confidence issues arose are spot on. I don't believe there's resentment that she dated a friend (not insinuating you implied that), I knew my stand on her but sometimes I wonder if we had more in common than I admit.

    Prior to seeing her I was with a girl who seemed the perfect girl. Far out of my league but I won her over on impulse as I was so attracted, so smart and ticked every box yet we were dull together; a bad fit. She ended it. I'd have probably strived to be dull for the rest of my life with her so I am grateful she saved me from that prison sentence. I think, often, how strange it is to be human. Maybe this could negatively affect my confidence although really, at the time, it affirmed the delusion I could have anyone I wanted if I wanted them enough and that is the major experience of my younger years.

    I haven't used my fleshlight (which isn't really a branded fleshlight) in months as I've been abusing oxycodone to help with my stress and depression but I quit cold turkey and life is settling around me again. I'm not in any hurry to bring it out, it's great for urges but I don't like to ponder the reality of it too much.

    Oddly I just met a girl I liked and I'd met her before when I was using. Didn't feel an attraction to her last time but fancied her as soon as I answered the door today. Weird but not entirely surprising, all things considered. Sadly in your early thirties most 'girls' or, women rather, (I still can't believe I'm a grown up) are married and having kids &c.

    On another note and back on fleshlight topic. When I bought it it was my second. I had broken my arm and I went to a sex shop, placed it on the counter and casually said, "I need all the help I can get". The guy at the counter rang it in as if I hadn't spoke and I could have choked on the tension, hilarious once I was out of there.

    Thanks again.
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