how much is too much?

Former Member

Im quite new so I'm not too sure how this works but I need help but I don't want to ask anyone I know because no one understand .
My boyfriend of a year is perfect to me. He does everything I ask or anything I want. But when he gets mad or angry he starts saying horrible things to me. He tells me im worthless and a bitch and that he wants me to die and that someone else is better for him, along with other things like this. As soon as he is feeling better and we've talked over it all he will apologize and tell me he didn't mean any of it and he will go back to benign perfect again. This has happened a few times now however recently he started saying worse things.
I know all of this is awful but I love him more than anything and don't want to lose him.
What do I do?

Former Member

This is already way too much for most people. The thing about such behavior is, it is always unacceptable, and should not be tolerated just because the good times are good, you know? There is no such thing as "good times get 100 points, bad times get -90 points, which is in total +10 points so still positive." Your boyfriend is abusive and shows pretty much all signs of abuse (every abuser has his "good times." if it was all fights and abuse, nobody would put up with that shit, but as soon as there are sunny days, some people tend to sweep the abuse under the rug). The second sign is that it is escalating.

The I love him and don't want to lose him is stuff you hear pretty much every time someone in an abusive relationship talks about it, only to realize later, once the got away, that they put up with way too much. Basically when you entered the relationship you entered a bath tub of nice warm water. Your boyfriends behavior made the water get warmer and warmer. You don't realize it much, because the change was gradual and slow, but the water is way too hot now for any person to get into. Nobody would put up with your boyfriend if he showed this kind of behavior 2 months into the relationship. It's a slow build up and you are in no good position to judge for yourself how bad your situation really is.

I recommend following things: Call an abuse hotline. Those people are not judgemental, work with cases like yours on a daily basis and know a LOT of information and solutions for people in your situation (in case you think I am exaggerating your case here). Just give them a call, and have a chat about your situation. Don't be scared, there is nothing daunting about this, but do it while your boyfriend is out. Second, imagine your best friend confides in you that her boyfriend treats her like yours treats you. Calling her a whore, telling her she should go die off somewhere in a corner, etc. Would you tell her, "ah, as long as he is nice on his good days you will have to power through the bad days." ?

The bottom line is, this is not going to become better. He won't wake up one day and say to himself, "Good grief, why have I been such an asshole? I will turn my life around and become Mr. Rogers reincarnated from now on." The end goal is to leave your boyfriend safely. Call the hotline, seriously. Even if you think you will marry and love your boyfriend forever. Just give them a call and relay them your situation.

Former Member

i believe this is too much. StrubbleS is right, this attitude must not be tolerated.

Former Member

Hey rabbit, great to have you here :wave:

Thanks for sharing; it sounds like your boyfriend is at times really great and so it's normal to feel confused and upset when he acts out of character. But taking out his anger on you in the way you have described is totally out of order, so well done for questioning if this is acceptable behaviour.

Abuse in relationships comes in all shapes and sizes and it doesn't have to be physical to be wrong. Here's an article from this site that you may like to read - http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/what-is-abuse-2937.html - sometimes the most abusive of people can be incredibly loving at times, which can be why the victim is so vulnerable. You say you have been together for a year now; when did your boyfriend first act this way?

No partner is perfect and there some things that you can put up with, but as StrubbleS said the good points can never outweigh the bad times when it comes to abuse. You need to look after yourself and in most scenarios where abuse is involved, the advice is to consider putting a stop to the relationship.

I know you said you don't want to talk about it with anyone you know, which is totally understandable so we're here to listen but in case you want some extra support, here are some links to a few places which you might find useful:

http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/

http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/SexRelationships/Pages/Relationships.aspx - not sure how old you are but ChildLine is great for young people (not just children!)

http://www.thesite.org/relationship-advice/ask-about-relationships - for if you want more advice from this site

Former Member

If his behavior is causing you sadness or any terrible feelings, you better ask yourself if it's too much and can't be tolerated.

Former Member

Hi rabbit,

what a horrible situation to be in it sounds like you really love your boyfriend but his behaviour towards you sounds quite seriously upsetting. It can be easy to apologise but if your boyfriend isn't making any steps towards managing his anger and attitude towards you, what do his apologies really mean? What are his good points? What would you say to a friend if she was in a relationship like yours?

I'm sorry to say it but he sounds quite emotionally abusive and that is something you do not have to put up with. Take a look at this link and maybe give them a call when/if you feel ready https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/abuse. You really don't have to be made to feel like this - however much you love him.

You probably didn't expect to hear such serious responses so please don't be scared off - if you don't feel ready to look at the links come and chat to us anyway. We're here to support you and listen! take care x